I am (now) 53 (!)  and I was a functioning, even high functioning, alcoholic. I have a full time, successful, fulfilling career; I have three sons, aged 19, 15 and 13  and a beautiful border collie. But I was still an alcoholic.

I  drank for almost all of my adult life; through triumphs, tragedies, success and failure; when I have been happy and relaxed, and when I have been stressed. Wine had been my constant companion.

When I started this blog  I needed to stop, because I was no longer in control. I  tried for many years to “moderate’ my drinking, in almost every conceivable way.  At last I accepted defeat.

I could see life without alcohol, I lived it for almost eight months in 2013/14. What I then  couldn’t imagine, was life not wanting to drink alcohol.

That’s where I need to get to…. and this blog is my record of that journey …

As my sobriety has lengthened there have been a number of consequences, some foreseen, some not. The blog has moved from a struggle to stay sober, to a record of my new, developing life as an adult who doesn’t drink.

July 2017.

I’m still sober – more than 500 days now, and the consequences have been seismic. I have recognised and dealt with the domestic abuse within my family, I have separated from the man I believed I would be with for life. I have been in a supportive but challenging therapeutic treatment for almost a year. I am learning and growing all the time. Some of this has been so painful I have been unable to write – hence some gaps in my blog. But I have not drunk. I have not returned to my longstanding crutch and blotted out the pain. No I have learned to live with it and accept that This is a process and in the end, I will be ok.

My blog is now about sobriety, but also about domestic abuse, debt, recovery, parenting and loss. Its deeply personal which is why at present I remain behind a pseudonym. It protects not only me, and my professional position, but also my children and others I mention.

One day, I will probably drop the pseudonym. Perhaps at 5 years sober ! Now theres a goal !

Please comment on my blog – and leave my links to yours. The support I have received in the last weeks via the internet has been amazing. You can reach me at


Thanks Lily 🌷x



Sorry to have been quiet for the last week. A lot has been going on in “real life “, and I’ve been pondering .. last Monday, March 12th, was my two year sobervesary. It’s a really good feeling to have achieved this, in a low key kind of way. I’m not shouting from the roof … Continue reading


Eye opening , jaw dropping moment of clarity last night. Woah ! 👏👏👏 Moving on, and deciding to focus on the future I bought myself this book. It’s very thin, about 50 pages of wide spaced type, I read it in an hour. But 😮. All those of you with good boundaries will be like … Continue reading

A line

A line is drawn today. I had a very helpful therapy session last night. Angela reads my blog, and it was a good day to go! She picked up on the triggers I had identified in my post yesterday and we discussed some of them. The practical ones I have sorted, but the emotional ones … Continue reading

Self care

Thank you all for you kind, supportive and helpful comments yesterday. I’m pleased to say I managed to incorporate some of your ideas and thoughts, reached out a bit to friends and I’m a bit less anxious today. I saw my own GP this morning and have been told to take these three days off … Continue reading

I don’t know what to do.

I seem to have hit another emotional crisis. I do not know why, but I feel dreadful. I’m anxious, I’ve lost my appetite (a sure sign of emotional destabilisation) I’m struggling to function. I can’t sleep, I’m ruminating and my concentration is shot to pieces. I feel on the edge of a panic attack several … Continue reading

Pretty crap

Sorry folks, I’ve been trying not to write this post, trying not to feel how I do for a whole week now. It’s not working. I remind myself of all the positives; son1 is doing good, we have a great holiday coming up, I’m going to Italy in 4 days, in the Summer my older … Continue reading


Yesterday I spoke to the former wife of my ex Partner. I’ve been struggling with the feeling that I am remembering things falsely, that I am, in some way, placing blame on him where none exists. Underneath that is disbelief that anyone could actually do the things I believe he did, so therefore maybe I … Continue reading