About

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I am (now) 53 (!)  and I was a functioning, even high functioning, alcoholic. I have a full time, successful, fulfilling career; I have three sons, aged 19, 15 and 13  and a beautiful border collie. But I was still an alcoholic.

I  drank for almost all of my adult life; through triumphs, tragedies, success and failure; when I have been happy and relaxed, and when I have been stressed. Wine had been my constant companion.

When I started this blog  I needed to stop, because I was no longer in control. I  tried for many years to “moderate’ my drinking, in almost every conceivable way.  At last I accepted defeat.

I could see life without alcohol, I lived it for almost eight months in 2013/14. What I then  couldn’t imagine, was life not wanting to drink alcohol.

That’s where I needed to get to…. and this blog is my record of that journey …

As my sobriety has lengthened there have been a number of consequences, some foreseen, some not. The blog has moved from a struggle to stay sober, to a record of my new, developing life as an adult who doesn’t drink.

July 2017.

I’m still sober – more than 500 days now, and the consequences have been seismic. I have recognised and dealt with the domestic abuse within my family, I have separated from the man I believed I would be with for life. I have been in a supportive but challenging therapeutic treatment for almost a year. I am learning and growing all the time. Some of this has been so painful I have been unable to write – hence some gaps in my blog. But I have not drunk. I have not returned to my longstanding crutch and blotted out the pain. No I have learned to live with it and accept that This is a process and in the end, I will be ok.

April 2018

Another massive step forward. I have reached out to my friends, admitted I have been struggling – I have also attended AA. This has been a very positive decision for me, as the isolation was becoming crippling, painful and destructive. I hope that I will continue to grow now, using the resources available to me, and that a new and better phase of my life is properly underway

My blog is now about sobriety, but also about domestic abuse, debt, recovery, parenting and loss. Its deeply personal which is why at present I remain behind a pseudonym. It protects not only me, and my professional position, but also my children and others I mention.

One day, I will probably drop the pseudonym. Perhaps at 5 years sober ! Now there’s a goal !

Please comment on my blog – and leave my links to yours. The support I have received in the last weeks via the internet has been amazing. You can reach me at

lily@alcoholfree2016.com

Thanks Lily 🌷x

 

This is really fucking hard

That’s it really. Its all in the title Its hard. I know, no-one ever said life would be easy, and in the grand scheme of world issues, I am just SUCH a first world problem. (That makes me feel guilty too) I think the main problem is, now that I am actually having to DO … Continue reading

Loss of control

During the work I have been doing with my sponsor S, a few themes have come up. One of these, that arose this morning, was a fear of “loss of control”, or perhaps more accurately a fear of doing things that I know deep down are a bad idea, a fear of finding myself self … Continue reading

Art journaling

As I recover, I’m rediscovering my creativity. Stifled inside me for many many years, I denied I even HAD a creative part to my soul. All that’s changed. If you have read my blog, you will know I’m an amateur oil painter, something I greatly enjoy and find hugely relaxing. I can genuinely say that … Continue reading

Uncertainty

Ok, I know now what it was yesterday. It’s a surfeit of uncertainty. a state of limited knowledge where it is impossible to exactly describe the existing state, a future outcome, or more than one possible outcome And that uncertainty comes from all the things on yesterday’s list. Except mess, which I cannot tolerate when … Continue reading

The Gremlins

I do not know what happens. This morning I was ok. Not great because the current UK heatwave coupled with recent emotional disruption is played by havoc with my sleep, but ok. It’s now 17.40 and I think I am going to explode with rage and frustration. Or is it fear ? Or something else … Continue reading

I am also …

I’m doing my Step 4 stuff right now. It’s hard going, or it is when you do it thoroughly, and I’m struggling to pull out my anger, resentments and Shame … In the middle of doing this I felt the overwhelming urge to write down all the reasons for self hatred I can allot to … Continue reading

A busy head

I have a lot in my head right now, but I feel more positive and in control than I did. There are three major themes Career Personal Shame. Grief They are interlinked, and much of the last couple of days has been working out how. Anne commented below my last post that ‘knowledge is key’ … Continue reading