About

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I am (now) 53 (!)  and I was a functioning, even high functioning, alcoholic. I have a full time, successful, fulfilling career; I have three sons, aged 19, 15 and 13  and a beautiful border collie. But I was still an alcoholic.

I  drank for almost all of my adult life; through triumphs, tragedies, success and failure; when I have been happy and relaxed, and when I have been stressed. Wine had been my constant companion.

When I started this blog  I needed to stop, because I was no longer in control. I  tried for many years to “moderate’ my drinking, in almost every conceivable way.  At last I accepted defeat.

I could see life without alcohol, I lived it for almost eight months in 2013/14. What I then  couldn’t imagine, was life not wanting to drink alcohol.

That’s where I needed to get to…. and this blog is my record of that journey …

As my sobriety has lengthened there have been a number of consequences, some foreseen, some not. The blog has moved from a struggle to stay sober, to a record of my new, developing life as an adult who doesn’t drink.

July 2017.

I’m still sober – more than 500 days now, and the consequences have been seismic. I have recognised and dealt with the domestic abuse within my family, I have separated from the man I believed I would be with for life. I have been in a supportive but challenging therapeutic treatment for almost a year. I am learning and growing all the time. Some of this has been so painful I have been unable to write – hence some gaps in my blog. But I have not drunk. I have not returned to my longstanding crutch and blotted out the pain. No I have learned to live with it and accept that This is a process and in the end, I will be ok.

April 2018

Another massive step forward. I have reached out to my friends, admitted I have been struggling – I have also attended AA. This has been a very positive decision for me, as the isolation was becoming crippling, painful and destructive. I hope that I will continue to grow now, using the resources available to me, and that a new and better phase of my life is properly underway

My blog is now about sobriety, but also about domestic abuse, debt, recovery, parenting and loss. Its deeply personal which is why at present I remain behind a pseudonym. It protects not only me, and my professional position, but also my children and others I mention.

One day, I will probably drop the pseudonym. Perhaps at 5 years sober ! Now there’s a goal !

Please comment on my blog – and leave my links to yours. The support I have received in the last weeks via the internet has been amazing. You can reach me at

lily@alcoholfree2016.com

Thanks Lily 🌷x

 

Leaps and Bounds

My progress on this sobriety / self compassion /growth / whatever it is, journey has not proceeded in a smooth linear fashion. If I previously thought about it at all, I would have imagined building a wall, or laying a path, with one brick being placed on top of the next deliberately, regularly and predictably … Continue reading

Women friends

To move to an entirely different subject, I mentioned my brain is overful ! In my life I am happy and lucky to have 6  ( yes SIX ! ) very close women friends that I love and cherish. In general I like women; I find them (on the whole) funny, courageous, supportive, kind and honest. … Continue reading

Self compassion

In the last few weeks I have been doing quite a lot of psychological ‘work’ with myself. It feels like I have shaken off a lot of the grey gloom and apathy that has dogged me for much of the last 6 months, and been able to take some steps forward. You know those women, … Continue reading

Shitstorm brewing

This is a mind dump. I have learned in the last couple of weeks that meetings are a great place to get this stuff out, but I can’t get to one today so its here. I’m reciting the serenity prayer to myself, and trying to accept that these are things I cannot change BUT … … Continue reading

Curveball

This morning I went up the road to see my friends J and K. Because I was away last weekend, I haven’t seen them for 2 weeks. It was good to catch up, and take them an apple pastry I made this week. When I arrived I was talking to J, he handed me a … Continue reading

washing machine brain

Someone the other day said to me that addicts have ‘washing machine brains’ – by which she meant that there is so much activity swirling about that it can be hard to pin down any one feeling or thought. That’s certainly how I feel at the moment, quite caught up in so much ‘stuff’, thoughts, … Continue reading

Emotional space

We came home today. The boys were keen to get back to their familiar environment, especially son2 who is struggling with some social problems at the moment. I made my peace with my mother, thanks to a timely intervention from my sister in law. When I got home I fell asleep for a couple of … Continue reading