About

IMG_1479_1024

I am (now) 53 (!)  and I was a functioning, even high functioning, alcoholic. I have a full time, successful, fulfilling career; I have three sons, aged 19, 15 and 13  and a beautiful border collie. But I was still an alcoholic.

I  drank for almost all of my adult life; through triumphs, tragedies, success and failure; when I have been happy and relaxed, and when I have been stressed. Wine had been my constant companion.

When I started this blog  I needed to stop, because I was no longer in control. I  tried for many years to “moderate’ my drinking, in almost every conceivable way.  At last I accepted defeat.

I could see life without alcohol, I lived it for almost eight months in 2013/14. What I then  couldn’t imagine, was life not wanting to drink alcohol.

That’s where I needed to get to…. and this blog is my record of that journey …

As my sobriety has lengthened there have been a number of consequences, some foreseen, some not. The blog has moved from a struggle to stay sober, to a record of my new, developing life as an adult who doesn’t drink.

July 2017.

I’m still sober – more than 500 days now, and the consequences have been seismic. I have recognised and dealt with the domestic abuse within my family, I have separated from the man I believed I would be with for life. I have been in a supportive but challenging therapeutic treatment for almost a year. I am learning and growing all the time. Some of this has been so painful I have been unable to write – hence some gaps in my blog. But I have not drunk. I have not returned to my longstanding crutch and blotted out the pain. No I have learned to live with it and accept that This is a process and in the end, I will be ok.

April 2018

Another massive step forward. I have reached out to my friends, admitted I have been struggling – I have also attended AA. This has been a very positive decision for me, as the isolation was becoming crippling, painful and destructive. I hope that I will continue to grow now, using the resources available to me, and that a new and better phase of my life is properly underway

My blog is now about sobriety, but also about domestic abuse, debt, recovery, parenting and loss. Its deeply personal which is why at present I remain behind a pseudonym. It protects not only me, and my professional position, but also my children and others I mention.

One day, I will probably drop the pseudonym. Perhaps at 5 years sober ! Now there’s a goal !

Please comment on my blog – and leave my links to yours. The support I have received in the last weeks via the internet has been amazing. You can reach me at

lily@alcoholfree2016.com

Thanks Lily 🌷x

 

Strong

Over the last few days it is as though a Dam has burst. Like the last key piece in a restraining wall has been removed and a HUGE flood of stuff is gushing, streaming out. All the pain I have kept locked up inside, all the struggles the attempts to control my eating, my weight, … Continue reading

Numbing….

Dear God this is taking me a LONG time. I sometimes feel I’m so deep in all the psychology and therapy and steps and analysis and recovery programme that I will NEVER get out. It’s all taking such a fucking LONG time … and its SO painful. Ok. Deep breath Now I’ve got that out … Continue reading

Step One

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable Yes. No problem. I have been powerless over alcohol my whole life, and I could have admitted it every day for at least the past 20 years. No big issue for me. I arrive at this day in my life with … Continue reading

Sponsor

Ok. so I’ve decided to go with the AA programme and work the 12 steps. So I needed a sponsor. As many of you will know, women sponsor women so that was a good start. In the same way that I looked for a therapist with certain characteristics, I wanted (or more specifically did NOT … Continue reading

The neuroscience of recovery

As part of my commitment to working the 12 steps, my sponsor asked me to buy this book It duly arrived from Amazon yesterday and I started reading it. The first  pages are concerned with some of the neuroscience of dependence and recovery which has been well researched especially in the last 20 years. Interesting … Continue reading

Emotional

I’ve been struggling the last few days. So much emotion and such extreme feelings. On the positive side, my eldest is coming home 🌟🌟🌟 I’m beyond excited, and so happy. He has been away for eight months, first in Nepal and latterly in Vietnam. He’s had a option to stay away till July, but yesterday … Continue reading

Sunshine

Its a glorious day in the SE UK; sunny, warm and calm… and its  a pretty good day for me too . Yesterday I rewrote  a post about resentment and anger that I was going to finish today, but you know what, its such a beautiful day I thought I would write a totally spontaneous … Continue reading