About

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I am (now) 53 (!)  and I was a functioning, even high functioning, alcoholic. I have a full time, successful, fulfilling career; I have three sons, aged 19, 15 and 13  and a beautiful border collie. But I was still an alcoholic.

I  drank for almost all of my adult life; through triumphs, tragedies, success and failure; when I have been happy and relaxed, and when I have been stressed. Wine had been my constant companion.

When I started this blog  I needed to stop, because I was no longer in control. I  tried for many years to “moderate’ my drinking, in almost every conceivable way.  At last I accepted defeat.

I could see life without alcohol, I lived it for almost eight months in 2013/14. What I then  couldn’t imagine, was life not wanting to drink alcohol.

That’s where I needed to get to…. and this blog is my record of that journey …

As my sobriety has lengthened there have been a number of consequences, some foreseen, some not. The blog has moved from a struggle to stay sober, to a record of my new, developing life as an adult who doesn’t drink.

July 2017.

I’m still sober – more than 500 days now, and the consequences have been seismic. I have recognised and dealt with the domestic abuse within my family, I have separated from the man I believed I would be with for life. I have been in a supportive but challenging therapeutic treatment for almost a year. I am learning and growing all the time. Some of this has been so painful I have been unable to write – hence some gaps in my blog. But I have not drunk. I have not returned to my longstanding crutch and blotted out the pain. No I have learned to live with it and accept that This is a process and in the end, I will be ok.

April 2018

Another massive step forward. I have reached out to my friends, admitted I have been struggling – I have also attended AA. This has been a very positive decision for me, as the isolation was becoming crippling, painful and destructive. I hope that I will continue to grow now, using the resources available to me, and that a new and better phase of my life is properly underway

My blog is now about sobriety, but also about domestic abuse, debt, recovery, parenting and loss. Its deeply personal which is why at present I remain behind a pseudonym. It protects not only me, and my professional position, but also my children and others I mention.

One day, I will probably drop the pseudonym. Perhaps at 5 years sober ! Now there’s a goal !

Please comment on my blog – and leave my links to yours. The support I have received in the last weeks via the internet has been amazing. You can reach me at

lily@alcoholfree2016.com

Thanks Lily 🌷x

 

A letter to my higher power

This is part of my Step two / three homework. It feels very important so I thought I would write it as a blog post, that way it stays here for me to look back on. As I have written before,  have struggled with the concept of a higher power – an internal struggle of … Continue reading

Good enough …

My patient X has relapsed. 12 completed days of sobriety, intensive effort by a variety of people, proper supervised alcohol detox to obviate any physical withdrawal, a proper plan made with the drugs and alcohol team but she relapsed anyway. First chance she got really. Interestingly I feel neither angry, resentful or that I need … Continue reading

Spirituality

My friend J died on June 8th. I’m not going to write about that as its not my story, but I am just going to write this. All through his illness, and K and J are like family to me, I have been very scared about the ‘end’. Not because I am afraid of death … Continue reading

Sick

Yesterday I met some sick people. Spiritually sick. And it scared me. On the positive side I recognised them, almost straight away, and they looked deeply unhealthy and terrifying to me. despite their energy and charisma I could see right past that to something egotistical, selfish and potentially cruel. On the negative side I felt … Continue reading

Step Two

“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Now this is a new challenge! A “power greater than ourselves” hmmmmmm. Traditionally of course this refers to God, and indeed the AA “Big Book’ published in 1939 has a significant emphasis on spirituality which at the time, meant belief in … Continue reading

Having it all

This is one of those posts that has been lingering at the back of my mind for months; every now and then I pull it up in the drafts box add a couple of lines and know its not fully ‘cooked’, and that my thoughts and feelings need more development before I can capture them … Continue reading

Reflections on Step One

This is a piece of Homework I was set by S. Its something I wanted to do, because the three weeks or so I have been looking at the Step One inventories & questions have been interesting, revealing and have, I feel, helped me toward a greater understanding of my addiction(s). As I wrote before, … Continue reading