About

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I am 52 (!)  and I am a functioning, even high functioning, alcoholic. I have a full time, successful, fulfilling career; I have three sons, aged 18, 15 and 12  and two beautiful border collies. But I’m still an alcoholic.

I have drunk for almost all of my adult life; through triumphs, tragedies, success and failure; when I have been happy and relaxed, and when I have been stressed. Wine has been my constant companion.

Now I need to stop, because I am no longer in control. I have tried for many years to “moderate’ my drinking, in almost every conceivable way.  At last I accept defeat.

I can see life without alcohol, I lived it for almost eight months in 2013/14. What I, as yet, can’t imagine is life not wanting to drink alcohol.

That’s where I need to get to…. and this blog is my record of that journey …

As my sobriety has lengthened there have been a number of consequences, some foreseen, some not. The blog has moved from a struggle to stay sober, to a record of my new, developing life as an adult who doesn’t drink.

July 2017.

I’m still sober – more than 500 days now, and the consequences have been seismic. I have recognised and dealt with the domestic abuse within my family, I have separated from the man I believed I would be with for life. I have been in a supportive but challenging therapeutic treatment for almost a year. I am learning and growing all the time. Some of this has been so painful I have been unable to write – hence some gaps in my blog. But I have not drunk. I have not returned to my longstanding crutch and blotted out the pain. No I have learned to live with it and accept that This is a process and in the end, I will be ok.

My blog is now about sobriety, but also about domestic abuse, debt, recovery, parenting and loss. Its deeply personal which is why at present I remain behind a pseudonym. It protects not only me, and my professional position, but also my children and others I mention.

One day, I will probably drop the pseudonym. Perhaps at 5 years sober ! Now theres a goal !

Please comment on my blog – and leave my links to yours. The support I have received in the last weeks via the internet has been amazing. You can reach me at

lily@alcoholfree2016.com

Thanks Lily 🌷x

 

Adventure …

I have just booked a week in January to go to Nepal and visit son1. I am SUPER excited and really really looking forward to it! A very kind friend of the family has volunteered to come and mind the home /children/dog whilst I am away… Just me, going on an adventure …. For the … Continue reading

A new perspective

Last night I spent the evening with my closest friend K. She has been there through the last 10+ years and offered no judgemental support and reflection for me. Ironically I was introduced to K and her husband J by my ex husband, and they have become my staunchest and kindest supporters despite my marriage … Continue reading

Giving up

A year ago, after the breakdown of my relationship I decided to get a second dog. As there were longer periods with no one at home, I thought it would be nice for Lola, our collie, to have a companion. Lola had been, and remains, a delight for our family ; and easy friendly placid … Continue reading

Honesty

Being really, really honest in intimate relationships has always been hard for me. Not that I lie in day to day interactions, or about what I DO, but rather I suppress what I really feel and have often said something is ‘fine’ when it is really NOT ‘fine’ with me at all. And then I’d … Continue reading

co-dependency

I had a very illuminating therapy session last night. Illuminating in a number of ways. First because I realised I was expecting to be ‘told off’ for seeing my ExP. Told off and critisised, and possibly end up feeling that I had let Angela (my counsellor) down. That feeling, that I had ‘let her down’ … Continue reading

Re visiting

Yesterday I met my exPartner for a coffee. Its been 14 months since we separated, and at my instigation we have had no contact at all since June this year. I had expected this to ‘help’ me get over it / him. But it hasn’t. I dont know why, given all that has happened, all … Continue reading

Self esteem

The last two or three weeks have been a period of intense reflection. I have been almost hermit like – dragging myself out to work and to walk the dogs , but doing nothing else. Ignoring the phone, unable to face anyone. I’m not sleeping well with both inability to get off to sleep, and … Continue reading