About

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I am 52 (!)  and I am a functioning, even high functioning, alcoholic. I have a full time, successful, fulfilling career; I have three sons, aged 18, 15 and 12  and two beautiful border collies. But I’m still an alcoholic.

I have drunk for almost all of my adult life; through triumphs, tragedies, success and failure; when I have been happy and relaxed, and when I have been stressed. Wine has been my constant companion.

Now I need to stop, because I am no longer in control. I have tried for many years to “moderate’ my drinking, in almost every conceivable way.  At last I accept defeat.

I can see life without alcohol, I lived it for almost eight months in 2013/14. What I, as yet, can’t imagine is life not wanting to drink alcohol.

That’s where I need to get to…. and this blog is my record of that journey …

As my sobriety has lengthened there have been a number of consequences, some foreseen, some not. The blog has moved from a struggle to stay sober, to a record of my new, developing life as an adult who doesn’t drink.

July 2017.

I’m still sober – more than 500 days now, and the consequences have been seismic. I have recognised and dealt with the domestic abuse within my family, I have separated from the man I believed I would be with for life. I have been in a supportive but challenging therapeutic treatment for almost a year. I am learning and growing all the time. Some of this has been so painful I have been unable to write – hence some gaps in my blog. But I have not drunk. I have not returned to my longstanding crutch and blotted out the pain. No I have learned to live with it and accept that This is a process and in the end, I will be ok.

My blog is now about sobriety, but also about domestic abuse, debt, recovery, parenting and loss. Its deeply personal which is why at present I remain behind a pseudonym. It protects not only me, and my professional position, but also my children and others I mention.

One day, I will probably drop the pseudonym. Perhaps at 5 years sober ! Now theres a goal !

Please comment on my blog – and leave my links to yours. The support I have received in the last weeks via the internet has been amazing. You can reach me at

lily@alcoholfree2016.com

Thanks Lily 🌷x

 

Adjusting…

I always felt that I should be part of a family of 5. I don’t know why, but when my second son was born I didn’t feel that the family was quite complete … in contrast when I brought son #3 home, it felt whole, as though this was ‘right’. Subconsciously I realise I still … Continue reading

Reflection

I’m much better now (physically) , after recovering from the drama of last week – I’ve had a bit of time to reflect on my daft behaviour. It’s often said that doctors are the worst patients, and I think that’s true 1. we ignore symptoms that we would take seriously in our patients 2. we … Continue reading

Anaphylaxis

Yesterday I had a very frightening experience. I’m sharing it here, partly as a reflective entry, and partly because if it encourages one person who reads this post to take their own allergy a bit more seriously then it will have been worth it. Since I was about 8 years old I have been allergic … Continue reading

Adjustment Reaction

I’m so tired of struggling, I’m so tired of the rollercoaster of emotions and the physical reactions to anxiety that come and go. In general I AM positive about all the changes I have made in the last 18 months, but all this change and loss (of the me I know, of my partner and … Continue reading

why am I on my own at 52?

As the time since the ending of my last relationship increases, and the emotional carnage left behind is partially healed,I begun to wonder, “will I be alone for ever?” I started using the ‘bumble’ dating app for a while a few months ago, but though I had a couple of dates I quite quickly realised … Continue reading

Regrets and how to process them

I think my post yesterday says something quite important for me. I have lived as though I have no regrets and ‘put a brave face’ on so many things. I have ‘got over’ things such as the breakdown of my marriage, and ‘moved on’. But have I ? Or have I buried my shame and … Continue reading

Discombobulated

I have not written anything for a couple of weeks. It’s been hard to catch hold of anything long enough to think it through – let along long enough to write it down. Son 1 has returned from his trip to Scotland- the wilderness therapy programme. Is he “different” ? Has it changed him ? … Continue reading