About

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I am (now) 53 (!)  and I was a functioning, even high functioning, alcoholic. I have a full time, successful, fulfilling career; I have three sons, aged 19, 15 and 13  and a beautiful border collie. But I was still an alcoholic.

I  drank for almost all of my adult life; through triumphs, tragedies, success and failure; when I have been happy and relaxed, and when I have been stressed. Wine had been my constant companion.

When I started this blog  I needed to stop, because I was no longer in control. I  tried for many years to “moderate’ my drinking, in almost every conceivable way.  At last I accepted defeat.

I could see life without alcohol, I lived it for almost eight months in 2013/14. What I then  couldn’t imagine, was life not wanting to drink alcohol.

That’s where I need to get to…. and this blog is my record of that journey …

As my sobriety has lengthened there have been a number of consequences, some foreseen, some not. The blog has moved from a struggle to stay sober, to a record of my new, developing life as an adult who doesn’t drink.

July 2017.

I’m still sober – more than 500 days now, and the consequences have been seismic. I have recognised and dealt with the domestic abuse within my family, I have separated from the man I believed I would be with for life. I have been in a supportive but challenging therapeutic treatment for almost a year. I am learning and growing all the time. Some of this has been so painful I have been unable to write – hence some gaps in my blog. But I have not drunk. I have not returned to my longstanding crutch and blotted out the pain. No I have learned to live with it and accept that This is a process and in the end, I will be ok.

My blog is now about sobriety, but also about domestic abuse, debt, recovery, parenting and loss. Its deeply personal which is why at present I remain behind a pseudonym. It protects not only me, and my professional position, but also my children and others I mention.

One day, I will probably drop the pseudonym. Perhaps at 5 years sober ! Now theres a goal !

Please comment on my blog – and leave my links to yours. The support I have received in the last weeks via the internet has been amazing. You can reach me at

lily@alcoholfree2016.com

Thanks Lily 🌷x

 

Calculated destruction

Do people actually DO this ? Are there people out there in the world who work out how to get what they want by manipulating people and situations? And then actually DO it? Do some people actually deliberately (rather than by accident, or inadvertently) set out to discredit someone they dislike? I’m really struggling with … Continue reading

Pause ..

The last few days have been quite difficult. Examining my motivations for contacting me ex partner, and the subsequent reflections on how deliberate our Interactions with others actually are, has opened something of a Pandora’s box for me. All of a sudden a load of ‘incidents’ that I have not really thought about for a … Continue reading

Motivations

I find examining the motivation behind why I feel or act as I do very interesting. Its also pretty useful in helping me understand some of the feelings that I have, when I can’t regard them as logical. Since I have been sober, I’ve done a LOT less things on impulse; still some things (like … Continue reading

Africa

In the summer holidays the boys are I are going to Africa for 3 weeks. Its a treat for us all, and I’ve told myself that it is mostly funded by the money I have not spent on alcohol since I quit drinking in March 2016. My little counter tells me that so far I … Continue reading

A bit worried …

Next month I am going abroad, to Italy for a weekend. It is a very close friends 50th Birthday. Her husband is taking her to Venice and Florence for a few days break – they will spend the first days alone and then her sisters, and some friends (including me)  are joining them for a … Continue reading

700 days

Today is my 700th day of continuous sobriety. Pretty cool? Yeah, I’m happy with that … The last night I drank was also a Friday. And somehow I just knew I had reached the end… it was an unremarkable Friday in many ways, and I was not expecting it to mark the end of my … Continue reading

Confidence

I’ve always been confident in my role as a doctor. I have a knack for pattern recognition, a well developed 6th sense (after 25 years in practice) and a natural curiosity and empathy for people, all of which make me good at my job. As an educator and appraiser I seem to have good professional … Continue reading