I am 52 (!)  and I am a functioning, even high functioning, alcoholic. I have a full time, successful, fulfilling career; I have three sons, aged 18, 14 and 11  and two beautiful border collies. But I’m still an alcoholic.

I have drunk for almost all of my adult life; through triumphs, tragedies, success and failure; when I have been happy and relaxed, and when I have been stressed. Wine has been my constant companion.

Now I need to stop, because I am no longer in control. I have tried for many years to “moderate’ my drinking, in almost every conceivable way.  At last I accept defeat.

I can see life without alcohol, I lived it for almost eight months in 2013/14. What I, as yet, can’t imagine is life not wanting to drink alcohol.

That’s where I need to get to…. and this blog is my record of that journey …

As my sobriety has lengthened there have been a number of consequences, some foreseen, some not. The blog has moved from a struggle to stay sober, to a record of my new, developing life as an adult who doesn’t drink.

Please comment on my blog – and leave my links to yours. The support I have received in the last weeks via the internet has been amazing. You can reach me at


Thanks Lily 🌷x


Clarity of thought

Now I have a small window of Clarity, this is what I am thinking. I have such shit self-esteem that I really struggle to make decisions that go against what anyone else thinks. I don’t trust MY judgement at all. Well deep inside I do , deep inside I think I have good instincts and … Continue reading


When I wrote my last blog post I was in the middle of a ‘crisis’ and although I was wondering  why it had all blown up so huge, I wasn’t able to look with a reflective eye. Things are calmer now. Since I blocked my Ex Husband, I have had some peace from his messages … Continue reading


So we, I, am in the middle of a ‘shit storm’ Everything was fine until mid January, when somehow or other something tickled my ex husbands ire, and he kicked off, big time. But he doesn’t kick off at adults, at me ? no he uses the kids This does not go well, result: a … Continue reading


Yesterday night I had my second (in my life) full blown panic attack. at least this time I knew what the pounding heart, uncontrolled rapid breathing, tearing sobs and overwhelming panic WAS. And it passed. It does pass. This morning I am wrung out. I feel that every single thing I have every done that … Continue reading

364 days: 52 weeks ….

That elusive Year… almost complete. Today it is 52 weeks of continuous, uninterrupted sobriety: tomorrow, march 12th will one complete calendar year. lots of reflection at  the moment. On where I was last year; on drinking and not drinking (I hosted a work party last night, and obviously bought wine … it occurred to me … Continue reading

On integrity

  The quality of being honest and having strong  moral principles   the state of being whole and undivided I’m thinking a lot about integrity in its wider sense. About more than being honest and truthful, but about living life true to ones own beliefs, behaving in a way which accurately reflects how we really … Continue reading


I have not written anything for several weeks. Not because I have fallen off the sober wagon( thank goodness) I’m still dry, and very close to one years continuous sobriety now ( March 12th) The last two or three weeks have just been very difficult. I’m not sure I can write about all the painful … Continue reading