I am 52 (!)  and I am a functioning, even high functioning, alcoholic. I have a full time, successful, fulfilling career; I have three sons, aged 19, 15 and 12  and a beautiful border collie. But I’m still an alcoholic.

I have drunk for almost all of my adult life; through triumphs, tragedies, success and failure; when I have been happy and relaxed, and when I have been stressed. Wine has been my constant companion.

Now I need to stop, because I am no longer in control. I have tried for many years to “moderate’ my drinking, in almost every conceivable way.  At last I accept defeat.

I can see life without alcohol, I lived it for almost eight months in 2013/14. What I, as yet, can’t imagine is life not wanting to drink alcohol.

That’s where I need to get to…. and this blog is my record of that journey …

As my sobriety has lengthened there have been a number of consequences, some foreseen, some not. The blog has moved from a struggle to stay sober, to a record of my new, developing life as an adult who doesn’t drink.

July 2017.

I’m still sober – more than 500 days now, and the consequences have been seismic. I have recognised and dealt with the domestic abuse within my family, I have separated from the man I believed I would be with for life. I have been in a supportive but challenging therapeutic treatment for almost a year. I am learning and growing all the time. Some of this has been so painful I have been unable to write – hence some gaps in my blog. But I have not drunk. I have not returned to my longstanding crutch and blotted out the pain. No I have learned to live with it and accept that This is a process and in the end, I will be ok.

My blog is now about sobriety, but also about domestic abuse, debt, recovery, parenting and loss. Its deeply personal which is why at present I remain behind a pseudonym. It protects not only me, and my professional position, but also my children and others I mention.

One day, I will probably drop the pseudonym. Perhaps at 5 years sober ! Now theres a goal !

Please comment on my blog – and leave my links to yours. The support I have received in the last weeks via the internet has been amazing. You can reach me at


Thanks Lily 🌷x


On my way …

I’m sitting here in Heathrow Terminal 4 waiting for my flight to take me to Nepal, and more importantly to take me to see son 1 who has been there now for 4 months. Always in the past few years Ex P and I would visit the champagne and seafood bar, drink a ridiculously overpriced … Continue reading


A few years ago I took up painting. I had done no Art since I was 14 and dropped it at secondary school. At that time I didn’t enjoy Art, was quite convinced I had no ability whatsoever and was pleased to drop it from my curriculum. Over the intervening years I occasionally wistfully wished … Continue reading

Not Depressed …

I’m not depressed. Depression is a common disorder that causes people to experience low mood, loss of interest or pleasure in doing things (anhedonia), feelings of  low self-worth or guilt, disturbed sleep or appetite, low energy, and poor concentration. Depression is different from feeling down or sad. I’ve been depressed. I’ve been anxious. Biologically not right and I’ve had the … Continue reading

On community

Since I have been sober I have been more involved with other people. Starting small, because, as previously mentioned I am quite introverted, I have started reaching out a bit to friends I may have lost touch with, or people I don’t see as often as I would like to. I’ve been building a bit … Continue reading


Some months ago, I wrote about me struggle to ‘forgive’ myself for past mistakes. If you are interested you can read it here. Over the last few days a couple of things have happened that caused me to revisit this topic in my thoughts.  I moved a camera memory disc from an old camera that I … Continue reading


“a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.” I’m interested in this.  As a principle, a technique, it’s very attractive. A non drug based treatment for anxiety / stress management and an uncomplicated process to … Continue reading

New Years Resolutions

So, after Christmas comes the New Year … When I was a young woman I loved New Year. A chance to go out with friends, get drunk  celebrate get drunk, usher in the next exciting chapter get drunk. Christmas was for family, New Year was for friends…Once I had children I still enjoyed new Year … Continue reading