About

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I am (now) 53 (!)  and I was a functioning, even high functioning, alcoholic. I have a full time, successful, fulfilling career; I have three sons, aged 19, 15 and 13  and a beautiful border collie. But I was still an alcoholic.

I  drank for almost all of my adult life; through triumphs, tragedies, success and failure; when I have been happy and relaxed, and when I have been stressed. Wine had been my constant companion.

When I started this blog  I needed to stop, because I was no longer in control. I  tried for many years to “moderate’ my drinking, in almost every conceivable way.  At last I accepted defeat.

I could see life without alcohol, I lived it for almost eight months in 2013/14. What I then  couldn’t imagine, was life not wanting to drink alcohol.

That’s where I needed to get to…. and this blog is my record of that journey …

As my sobriety has lengthened there have been a number of consequences, some foreseen, some not. The blog has moved from a struggle to stay sober, to a record of my new, developing life as an adult who doesn’t drink.

July 2017.

I’m still sober – more than 500 days now, and the consequences have been seismic. I have recognised and dealt with the domestic abuse within my family, I have separated from the man I believed I would be with for life. I have been in a supportive but challenging therapeutic treatment for almost a year. I am learning and growing all the time. Some of this has been so painful I have been unable to write – hence some gaps in my blog. But I have not drunk. I have not returned to my longstanding crutch and blotted out the pain. No I have learned to live with it and accept that This is a process and in the end, I will be ok.

April 2018

Another massive step forward. I have reached out to my friends, admitted I have been struggling – I have also attended AA. This has been a very positive decision for me, as the isolation was becoming crippling, painful and destructive. I hope that I will continue to grow now, using the resources available to me, and that a new and better phase of my life is properly underway

My blog is now about sobriety, but also about domestic abuse, debt, recovery, parenting and loss. Its deeply personal which is why at present I remain behind a pseudonym. It protects not only me, and my professional position, but also my children and others I mention.

One day, I will probably drop the pseudonym. Perhaps at 5 years sober ! Now there’s a goal !

Please comment on my blog – and leave my links to yours. The support I have received in the last weeks via the internet has been amazing. You can reach me at

lily@alcoholfree2016.com

Thanks Lily 🌷x

 

The Lessons

This is a post that has been stewing in my mind since I realised that I have changed, even in the last 3 weeks, and just hugely since the day 889 days ago that I woke up and realised that I HAD to stop drinking. Or is it since the day, 2 years ago on … Continue reading

Shoes

Bloody shoes. Son one wants me to buy him shoes. Not just any shoes but shoes that cost 2500 Rand. That’s about $200 or £160. I’m not willing to do this. Despite the fact that he says these shoes are cheaper in SA than the U.K. if (and it is still if) he goes to … Continue reading

A review

I’m sitting on the balcony of our room in a small guest house, overlooking a beautiful bay (as seen in photo) about 2 hours drive from Cape Town. This is a whale watching Town, and as the waves quieten I’m looking forward to some whale viewing from the deck. This is also an opportunity for … Continue reading

Holiday

This will be short as there is only very very slow internet here. I love it. I’m happy 😃 boys are happy. Everything is just fine. I’m sober.

This is really fucking hard

That’s it really. Its all in the title Its hard. I know, no-one ever said life would be easy, and in the grand scheme of world issues, I am just SUCH a first world problem. (That makes me feel guilty too) I think the main problem is, now that I am actually having to DO … Continue reading

Loss of control

During the work I have been doing with my sponsor S, a few themes have come up. One of these, that arose this morning, was a fear of “loss of control”, or perhaps more accurately a fear of doing things that I know deep down are a bad idea, a fear of finding myself self … Continue reading

Art journaling

As I recover, I’m rediscovering my creativity. Stifled inside me for many many years, I denied I even HAD a creative part to my soul. All that’s changed. If you have read my blog, you will know I’m an amateur oil painter, something I greatly enjoy and find hugely relaxing. I can genuinely say that … Continue reading