starting again

I am a functioning alcoholic.

Let’s get that out if the way to start with. I have no idea how long I have known this about myself, it feels like forever. I have certainly spent the best part of the last 15 years trying to ignore the glaringly obvious fact that I have no “off” button once I start to drink.

I have become all to familiar with that sick sense of shame when you realise that, once again, you have embarrassed yourself at some event or other; Ā I have become accustomed to noticing unaccounted for bruises; my weekends and evening passing in a blur of gentle (and then not so gentle) haziness, my morning spent fighting nausea and stuffing down paracetamol to try and rid myself of the persistent throbbing headache.

yuck.

that’s the alcoholic part.

I am a very ordinary woman. I live a very ordinary life. I have children, a husband, a home and a career. I also have an alcohol problem.

There have been many years of hiding, obfuscating, excusing and minimising before I have been able to write that last sentence. I have an alcohol problem. I don’t want it, I didn’t ask for it, dare I say I don’t deserve it… But I seem to be stuck with it.

This blog is my narrative about acceptance. How am I going to learn to live with and accept what I cannot change

Seven days ago I had, what I intend to be, my last alcoholic drink. I didn’t know, as I sipped another glass of white wine, that it was to be my last. Abstinence wasn’t in my plan at all. Somehow it is now. Actually its the center of the plan. This blog is my journey into an unknown future

Some time ago I stopped drinking. I managed to stay sober for almost eight months. Then I ordered a glass (actually it was a bottle- and I was on my own) Ā of wine – because I “deserved it” … And less than a month later I was back to a bottle a day …

this time I intend to stay sober. Today is day eight. This is the first Saturday morning I have woken up without a headache for an embarrassingly long time.

I want to succeed this time. I have no illusions, it needs to be forever. So this blog is to chart my progress and my thoughts as I move forward without alcohol .