Fear

I have had a difficult day. Physically not too bad but mentally all over the shop. I don’t know if its an excuse that I lack concentration because of alcohol withdrawal but I feel really discombobulated and unable to focus on anything. Tonight my children are home, one doing a project the others homework/messing about. I feel cut off from them , irritable with¬†everyone and desperate for some oblivion at the bottom of a wine bottle.

I am really afraid of what will happen to my relationship with my partner if i don’t drink. He is / has been tolerant of my drinking. Very rarely in¬†almost 6¬†years has he told me that I drink too much. Most of those times have been in the last year. He gets cross when I fall asleep at 7 pm on Saturday evening because I have been drinking all day; and he gets cross if I am really really drunk – doesn’t happen that often – more usually its low grade, permanent inebriation.

But, aside from that, he enjoys a drink. We enjoy drinking together. We enjoy cooking I together and drinking nice wine. we enjoy going out to concerts and having a beer, we enjoy watching movies with a bottle or two or wine.. Drinking is part of ‘us’.

when we met I was (quite) recently separated. I had there children, the youngest then only 5 years old. He would come over after they were in bed and we would sit up and drink and talk all night…

So how will it be if I don’t drink? what will I drink if we are out for lunch ? will I get annoyed if he is drinking a lot ? will I get upset with him if he drinks when I cannot? will he stick by me when I feel I cannot ‘do’ stuff because the temptation to drink is too strong and I need to protect myself?

I feel very anxious; clear headed, I know i have to do this – either now or next week or next month. It WILL come to this as I have gone too far to be able to drink moderately – I know that i cant do that and have proved it SO so often. i need to do this before something bad happens..

So far I have ‘got away’ with it. But I am so conscious of the knife edge I am teetering on. And one false move – one small error could have catastrophic consequences. Eg I do not consciously drink and drive – I would never get in the car after a couple of glasses of wine; but I KNOW that on some “mornings after” I have been over the driving limit. One small thing, little accident, even if its not my fault – and its a DD charge, I would be reported to my professional body and might lose my job ( pretty likely actually as they would find out how much I drink) then I would have no income and we would soon lose our home… the shame – everyone would know in our small Community. My relationship with my¬†partner would suffer.The children would suffer.¬†All so scary.

And all because I cant stop drinking ? I Have a CHOICE

My health is precarious. I know this. I had abnormal liver function tests 2 years ago. I am too afraid to have them done again. But I am afraid that if I cant stop now I will end up in hospital, and again everyone will know. Maybe I will die from drinking If I cant stop. If not soon then in the end. How sad for my kids.

sorry for the stream of consciousness. I need to be in contact with others tonight – thank you for being there and I hope you are all ok

Today is my Day 11.

AF16 x


One comment

  1. I can very much relate to this. Although my husband and I are drinking partners it hasn’t always been that way. When we first me we were both non drinkers. It is different for you because you have both always drank together. My husband does not have the desire to quit, I wish he did but he doesn’t. I am not about to force him in to anything. Im not sure how life will be with us not drinking together but I hope we can find other common denominators just as you can. We also love cooking together. Today I wondered how the hell I will cook risotto without wine! Not just in the recipe but in the experience of cooking it! Last night we went out for dinner and I drank cranberry juice and he had beer. It looked like alcohol to anyone looking aand I enjoyed it just as much even without the buzz. Life is going to be different but I think it will be ok. I hope you discover the same xx

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