I’m still struggling with low mood and boredom, and a vague feeling of dissatisfaction. So today I have decided to write about my hopes for the future. In many ways my decision to cease drinking was based on an increasing cognitive dissonance, I enjoyed my wine, relied on it, used to to fill uncomfortable spaces in my life, but I had been increasingly uncomfortable with my resultant behaviour.
So the first of my hopes for the future – which is already being partially realised, is that I will live a more authentic life. I will not be doing something which on many levels I don’t actually want to. I hope that this authenticity will reduce some of my self criticism and feeling of worthlessness. Being drunk, and the way I behaved was not great for self esteem – and I am looking forward to remembering my behaviour without cringing.
I have hopes for my professional life too. Too many times I have been operating below par, cutting corners and fighting nausea whilst I get through the days. There are things I want to achieve at work, things that require higher level thinking – time and consistent concentration. I believe I have the aptitude and necessary skills to develop my business further – and that doing so will provide me with a satisfaction that has been lacking in recent years.
My hopes for my personal life are the most important. I’ve had a pretty tumultuous last 20 years. I’ve made some seriously foolish decisions and had to live with the consequences, I honestly believe that as a sober woman I will have more to offer my friends, family and my relationship. I hope that being proud of myself, rather than slightly ashamed, will translate into taking better care of myself all round. It already has to some extent – I attend yoga and Pilates now, and am much more physically active. These classes are at times when I would previously have been either drinking or hungover ! Some of the money I used to spend on alcohol I am spending on gym membership – and some of the time I have saved is being invested in self care. I have a dream that I will,one day be flexible like the others in my yoga class, and develop a posture like my yoga teacher !
I hope my kids will be proud of me. That they will never worry that I will embarrass them by being drunk, they they will see me as an honest, developing person, and respect what I have achieved.
As I write this post, I can feel some of my listlessness dissipating. It’s empowering when I see that these hopes are within my grasp. And to achieve them, all I have to do is stay dry.