Confusion

 

Since I got sober, my self examination, navel gazing, analysis of self, has mushroomed. There are so many thoughts jostling around in my head,  so many half developed theories, or attractive ideas. So many experiences that I want to ponder on, so many decisions I need to justify (or not). Its hard to impose any kind or order or structure on my subconscious which feels like a gigantic concrete mixer for emotions and experiences, periodically throwing one up to the surface to be briefly examined before its subsumed back in to the concrete mix.

I started this blog to try and capture some of these thoughts and see if I could identify any themes or strands that on reflection may be significant. I’m afraid I don’t and can’t subscribe to simple theories of alcoholism – either genetic or environmental; and neither can I believe that my addictions are outside my control .I believe there is a hugely complex and subtle mix of environmental, social, societal and inherited factors that contribute to the development of personality, behaviour and also to compulsive / addictive traits. For me, it thus follows that I need to understand this, for myself, about myself, to help me move forward on a healthier more productive a path. My partner, who decide to stop drinking (for now) 17 days ago has none of this angst and soul searching. I’m not sure if I envy that or think he is still in denial!!

So, when I read back through my postings I do see some themes, and some repetitive thoughts. Some things I have written several times. Whilst that seems ‘lazy’ and wrong on one way (boring for anyone who happens to read my posts), in another its exactly what I was hoping to get from writing every (most) day(s). To have a tangible record of what I was tinging, what floated to the surface on THAT day when I sat at my keyboard. There are SO many posts I could write, so much ‘stuff’ in my brain – that I cant hold onto what I thought yesterday let alone last week ! I feel as though I am naked, with no fixed ideas, no definite beliefs and no grounding … does that make any sense?

I have booked an initial appointment with a therapist for next week. I am guarded about this, and uncertain, but I am coming to see that an outlet, in real life,  for my racing, contradictory, confusing and very self critical thoughts, might be a good idea. I’ve got a chance here, to build a good future – maybe I could use some help…

One recurring thought that I do BELIEVE is that there are many people here and elsewhere who have stopped drinking for good. Not one of them has ever said that life is shit now, or not fun or that they wish they were still drinking. So I’m going to keep going …


3 comments

  1. I too am a thinker, analytical to a fault. I have a mind that I wish had an off button. I laugh at what Eckhart Tolle says in regards to that. He tells the story of someone being awake at 3.00 a.m thinking they need to listen to their mind and work some major things out. I can’t explain it well but it is funny when he talks about it. For me this journey has caused me to dig deep in to a lifetime of habits that I now know are related, my addictions. I think it is important to understand that in order to move on. Hopefully by journaling your own thoughts you can also find the freedom to move ahead. Don’t get me wrong, I am not there yet!

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  2. I think you are definitely on the right track! I too don’t believe in the credo about being powerless over alcohol. I also believe that there are root causes and if those can be brought to light and addressed it helps to dissolve the need to self medicate. I think seeing a therapist is a great idea! I have many years under my belt and I have learned so much from it. I remember one time when I was going to tackle a big issue, my therapist asked me if I was sure that I wanted to proceed. I said absolutely,! I looked at it as having a migraine and how great I’d feel once it was gone!

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  3. Take care with the therapy! Your sobriety is still a fragile thing that needs protecting and too much self-analysis when we are still learning to toddle sober can be destabilising so proceed with caution 🙂

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