Ashamed

Today I had an initial meeting with a therapist. There is so much other shit in my life that the subject of my drinking didn’t come up in the hour I was in there. Quite ironic really, that this doesn’t seem to be the focus of my problems right now.

What did come through my unstructured narrative was the profound sense of shame that I feel. I think it permeates all aspects of my personal life. Logically I know that if I were looking in from the outside, I would forgive this person that I am. I would comfort her and point out to her the many many good things she has done, and the sense of love and optimism that has driven many of her decisions.

But I can’t do that for myself. As I’m staring down the barrel of yet another failed relationship I just feel overwhelming shame and despair that I am such a shit person that no relationships last, that I keep trying and the same old patterns keep repeating themselves. That I am so crap that even my own mother doesn’t like me. I could cry for all the pain I have brought to my children who deserve none of this, and all I want to do is crawl away to a place where I don’t have to cope, or fight or struggle to make myself heard.

I actually don’t know how I am going to crawl through the next two days at work. Plaster on my professional face and mange the problems of all those who come to see me. Sooth and calm staff ructions, write a business plan for a new service. I’m not fit to do this, but home is no sanctuary either. I feel as though I am at breaking point

I would say “This is so hard sober”, and indeed it is, but I have no doubt it would be much harder drunk. Day 103, and keeping going.

 

 


7 comments

  1. Lily my heart goes out to you and I really understand how you feel about shame. My mother called me to her bedroom when I was 14 to tell me that she didn’t love me, that she couldn’t love someone like me. It sounds like your mother made you feel the same way, so how can we trust anyone or anything? If our own mothers didn’t like us, who will. That shame, that loss and ultimately, that self-blame has probably driven every decision, that a a deep need to feel loved and safe. I am also in therapy and am trying to leave the past behind. We are who we are now. Right now! I don’t know what else to say but I really do understand and you are not alone. X

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    • That’s awful lifeofsalad – I’m so sorry. As a mother I could NEVER do such a thing to my child. Was your mother unwell ? Thank you for your post. It helps to know I am not the only one, although I wish no one else had to feel like this. xx

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  2. It is easy to think negatively when we base our opinions of ourselves on what others think. If I look at myself from my mother’s perspective I would see a hopeless overweight individual who fails at everything…..thank God I don’t take that on board ( well I do sometimes!) I know I waffle on about Eckhart but I love what he says about relationships and how foolish we are to think that the perfect partner will somehow complete us as a person. If we aren’t happy with who we are now then why think another human can change that. I can only begin to imagine the pain you are in but trust you are taking the steps to begin to heal šŸ’žšŸ’žšŸ’ž

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  3. Please know you re not alone!
    Many of us suffer/ed from shame based feelings.
    I am hoping the therapist will help you through them.
    I am so glad you are sober through all of this.
    xo
    Wendy

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