Onwards

I woke up this morning feeling rough. I had a pounding headache, a dry sticky mouth and Felt just like I used to when I was hungover. Seems very unfair when I only drank Becks blue last night. 

I wonder how I managed for so long waking up every single day with a hangover? Starting each morning feeling so ill – stuffing down paracetamol and Diet Coke first thing in the morning then , standing in the shower hoping that the steam and hot water will revive me. Cleaning my teeth with loads of toothpaste and swilling double quantities of mouthwash so that my breath doesn’t smell of ketones and stale wine. Always tired, always struggling to get up in time, always rushing to get the necessary done before rushing out the door to work. I would usually feel better by lunchtime – and by 4pm be looking forward to the ‘reward’ bottle of wine… And the cycle began again.

I literall could not conceive off how o would cope WITHOUT drinking every day. I felt it was necessary to me, why is that? What other activity that makes you feel so awful would we ever have to struggle to give up ? 

My partner stopped drinking for June. There was no angst, seemingly no struggle. When I asked him he said he felt better not drinking, clearer and more productive. But he had a drink last night, and that also seems to have been a non event. No worry about what might happen,  no anxiety snot triggering a fully fledged fall into a huge binge; just a couple of drinks at an exhibition. 

Along with ‘moderation’ I have to accept that this is something I just cannot do. The only safe level of alcohol consumption for me is none – yet I would have said he has a drink problem – certainly he finds it hard to stop at one or two. It made me wonder if I am creating a problem for myself. That if I just chilled out about alcohol there would not be a problem. 

I know that way madness lies- I’ve proven it to myself too many times- and if my “problem” is that I take it all too seriously- then that is still a problem … I had to think for several minutes about how many days I have under my belt today – it’s 113 – but that I think is progress, and I’m not inclined to risk my relative peace of mind for another experiment which I know in my heart is doomed to failure …

Sigh


One comment

  1. Hug. I don’t think anyone without a drinking problem creates one in their mind. It wouldn’t even occur to them.
    I often wonder how I survived days like that. We must have been very strong to keep going feeling so horrible. And doing it again….insanity.

    Hold on to the good, clear feeling! That is living!

    Anne

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