Struggling

This is weird. Today is my 125th consecutive sober day. That’s more than I have had (consecutively) since I was 18 years old. I feel better. I look better. My drinking app tells me I have saved approx £1,250 and 140,000 kcals. I am (fractionally) slimmer. I am definitely healthier. I sleep better and I’m no longer anxious about what I might have said/done when drunk. I’m not ashamed of myself any longer.

SO WHY AM I STRUGGLING TO CONVINCE MYSELF THAT I DON’T WANT TO DRINK ?

I do want to drink. I really do. I want to sit outside and open a bottle of wine and RELAX. I want to get tipsy and escape from the relentless activity of my brain. I want cocktails; I want vodka and gin and big bright mixed drinks with cherries. I want Limoncello and cider and cold Cava. I want to feel drunk. and released from tension, frustration and disappointment in myself.

I bored. I’m frustrated. I’m scared of never reaching that contented sober place that I see other posters have got to. I’m angry , I’ve done everything RIGHT. I’ve reflected and prioritised my sobriety. I haven’t pushed myself, I haven’t cheated, I haven’t taken on too much and exhausted myself (or maybe I have).

I don’t know what to DO.. I can not drink today, I can deny myself for a while, but if this persists this tactic will not be successful long term. I don’t WANT to go back to that place where I was guilty and ashamed, where I was slowing pickling my liver and stultifying my brain with poison. Where I was stressed and anxious, preoccupied with alcohol and how to get enough .. 

But I don’t want THIS reality either. This, where I can’t concentrate at work, and feel like I’m wading through treacle trying to organise myself; where I’m constantly pushing a  boulder uphill to get anything done at home. Where the landscape is grey and relentlessly dull with sentient consciousness. Where the futility of my attempted interventions with son#1 are brutally highlighted every single day and I can’t escape from it. Where I’m stuffing a packet of chocolate biscuits down to satisfy sugar cravings or a ‘need to eat’ and then hating myself. Where I can’t be bothered to exercise and instead spend money I don’t have (how much I don’t know because I can’t be bothered to check my credit card statement, but its in the £thousands rather than the £hundreds) on stuff I don’t need even if I want it. This where I am SMOKING again because I ‘need’ something to manage by stress level… FFS I stopped smoking YEARS ago. I feel bloody rubbish about this – full throttle cognitive dissonance

This is pretty shit too. 

I want to STOP. concentrate on myself for a decent amount of time. Stop working. Stop having to endlessly meet the needs of the hundreds of patients who come though the door every week. Stop having to manage staff disputes, problems, and domestic upsets. Stop listening to my partners with their agenda’s. Stop fretting over tasks done/ not done / the direction of the business. Stop trying to predict the next twist in the story of the NHS, with the implications for funding. Stop listening to the petty whining of the salaried doctors. Stop juggling all the things different people want / need from me. Stop having to shop, cook, tidy, organise, wash clothes, stop juggling finances, stop pacifying my mother, stop organising dog walks, school stuff, …..stop stop STOP.

Maybe the truth is that I drank because I couldn’t cope without drinking. That actually , just maybe, nobody could cope with what I expect of myself, maybe the life I have fashioned for myself is actually unmanageable, especially now I am 51 not 31.  Not one of my female doctor friends with kids works full time. Add to that that I am a single mother – (ok, I live with my partner and he does help, but not with the THINKING, and only with the practical stuff that suits him) and maybe its not surprising I feel I’m am going nuts. 

Maybe the purpose of all this is to MAKE me take a long hard look at my life and work out what is sustainable. But that might mean some VERY big decisions and I’m SCARED of them too … no  wonder I want to hide at the bottom of a bottle.

FFS this is NOT what I expected to be thinking / feeling at more than FOUR MONTHS SOBER. Where is my serenity? my calm conviction that I have made a good decision. ? Where is optimism, peace? where is a better life ??? Maybe its NOT going to happen for me and I’m doomed to either life as a drunken sot or a demented harpy with a fat bottom and rotten teeth and stinking breath…. Maybe the end is cirrhosis from drink or lung cancer from fags ….

FUCK BUGGER BOLLOCKS. That’s all folks 😦

 

 

 


7 comments

  1. Whoa. One of the most disappointing things I heard years ago in AA is that drinking is a SYMPTOM of the real issues underneath for which we use the alcohol to help mask. Step 1 is the lose the booze. Step 2 is to soberly address all the crap that the booze helped us to ignore or cope with. This is where a good therapist can really help…You take care ((((hugs))))

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It took time for me to find the better place.
    And a lot of work.
    I went to a therapist, AA, Women for Sobriety, got a life coach, and read.
    I really did have to learn how to cope with life.
    But the good news is, you can.
    I am hoping you find peace today!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Have you thought about taking a week to yourself? Arrange a retreat or go to a new or favorite location to escape from all of your day to day stuff. Sometimes we just need a reset. I’ve never made it as far as you, but I can say that I think I’d be feeling the same way.

    If you can, just block off some time with out any of your obligations including work and family and focus on you. Even if it’s only for one day.

    Wishing you well.

    Like


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