Sharing

I was quite inspired by my friend Tori’s post on “Shame”.. You can read it here.   http://sothisissober.com/index.php/2016/07/19/shame/. In this post Tori looks at the feelings so many drinkers have recounted, of shame, cognitive dissonance and anxiety surrounding their drinking. Most people, myself included, had these feeling at least intermittently for a long time, years probably, before they stopped drinking. I though it was just me ..

Read that again.

I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME

The commonest, most widely described feeling amongst people who drink too much (and let’s not forget the huge number of people that applies to…) One in six women in the UK … Estimating population of 65 million of whom half are women, that’s more than 5 million women in the UK alone, feeling like this .. And I though it was just me … And I bet I’m not the only person who though it was ‘just them’

How can this be ? How can I have got to the age of 51 carrying this enormous burden of shame and disgust with myself and never worked out that OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT FEEL LIKE THIS TOO … I Honestly thought I felt like this because of my upbringing and my mother’s disapproval of my drinking (to be honest, anyone’s drinking) but it’s not that is it – or only a small amount. The majority comes from the internal critical voice, that says you could be ‘doing better’ , that knows you are harming yourself with alcohol , and sets up this shame and self loathing .. And we don’t share it.. We don’t share it…

Tori makes the point that ‘connection’ with others is vital, and honesty is necessary for that connection. I completely agree, but honesty makes us vulnerable which is why we keep the truth, and out shame to ourselves. I am determined to break this cycle of fear and shame, and reach out in real life as I have done on line.

So I told  Mr Lily about my blog.

I have been hesitant about this, because once it’s said I can’t take it back, and the blog is public, and raw and honest in places. To let Mr lily in means exposing aspects of myself that may mean he will run away, and I don’t want that. But by keeping this important part of my life away from Mr Lily, it occurred to me I’m not really being as open and honest with him, as I would like him to be with me… And I should have faith, and trust … Because without faith and trust… Well problems lie.

I hope I don’t regret the decision, it’s a first step in sharing how I really feel. I’m not suggesting I will be sharing my inmost thoughts with all and sundry, but I come back to the phrase ” if you want things to be different, you have to do something different”.. This is fundamentally different. A planned, sober decision to share how it really is .. With the hope of increasing communication and connection.


14 comments

  1. What a big step you took! I understand not sharing your blog for awhile. It took me a few months as well. And you are so right about having to do things differently in order to change. While opening up can be scary it can also be rewarding. Great post! Xx

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  2. I think it’s great you told Mr Lily. I told Mr So about my blog but I honestly don’t think he has read it. I don’t mind if he does but equally I don’t feel his not looking at it means he thinks it’s a waste of time – which is what I would have thought when I was drinking.

    I need to reach out in real life but I am not sure where/who. I have looked at sober retreats and thought about AA but I really don’t think it’s me. I thought about getting a group together a bit like a book group but I’m not sure how or what we would actually do if anyone came. It’s difficult. X

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  3. Brave step. Bravo.
    That is the secret of AA. It is a place where many first encounter that reality that we all feel the same way. That we aren’t weird or broken.
    That knowledge is relief and freedom.

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  4. What a huge step. Good for you. I have not told mr. nomore yet. It’s hard for me because of how honest I’ve been on here. I’m not sure that it would go well in my life at this time. But ultimately it’s something I’ll have to do. You’re brave, but I think it will be freeing and rewarding. 🙂

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    • I was worried about that too, and rushed off to see what I had written … I’m not sure how much Mr Lily read, he has said only that he’s proud of me and that its “really cool ” …
      It’s a hard one xxx Lily 🌷x

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  5. What a huge step. Good for you. I have not told mr. nomore yet. It’s hard for me because of how honest I’ve been on here. I’m not sure that it would go well in my life at this time. But ultimately it’s something I’ll have to do. You’re brave, but I think it will be freeing and rewarding. 🙂

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  6. At the risk of repeating other people – AA! It took me 6 months to get there but wow – the relief of hearing my words, my thoughts, my story coming out of other people’s mouths.. And sometimes out of what I thought would be the man I could never have anything in common with.

    Right now, 10 months in – I think I would have lost my mind or sobriety if I hadn’t gone. Ahh my wonderful wonderful sponsor! I feel like I’m in a movie something tho – AA? Sponsor? Me? No way… I’m not one of those alcoholics…

    That is a big step about sharing your blog with the other half – I realised recently with my ex (of 8 years) we never spoke about the real important stuff… And how it would be amazing to be able to share with someone the struggle, the pain, the anxiety. But even with that id still say go to AA, because unless he is an alcoholic he may be super supportive and sympathetic – but not totally be able to understand.. And it’s such a gift to be part of that community. But anyway, in your own time..
    Hope this makes sense – on two hours sleep on the bus to the airport! X

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    • Re AA … Really ?. I know, so many people can’t be wrong, but REALLY … my thoughts have always been ‘do I HAVE to?’ Maybe one reason I avoided getting sober was the thought of HAVING to go to AA… And it doesn’t really fit with the principle of being kind to myself , making myself do something i really don’t want to … Maybe indeed to work out why I so strongly don’t want to go …

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      • I can totally relate to everything you’re saying here. That’s why I didn’t go for six months – but was literally losing my mind. I even tried to go around 4 months, cried and ran away…
        And no, it’s not for everyone. But it’s helped me a lot. I’ve fought it a lot as well – as you said – I’m trying to get rid of things I ‘should’ do, but for some reason it helps. Really really helps. But also takes time to talk to people, to open up, and to work out what YOU want out of it. So I’d say give it a try sometime – try to go to a beginners focused meeting (they are never just beginners!) and see. Maybe never go back. Maybe go back in a month. There are NO Rules aside from the desire to quit drinking. Also – remember – you may go to a mtg and think ‘no way.’ I’ve tried out a few and some – if they’d been my first – I’m not sure what I would have done/gone back.
        But I go almost every day now. No one forces me to. It just gives me an hour of stillness or offloading shit or laughing or crying in relation to people (who I’d never think I could relate to.) anyway – like I said – don’t ever feel you have to. It’s your life and your recovery. It’s just helped me 🙂

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