Looking back over the last 8 weeks or so, when I have been making a point to blog regularly, it’s quite obvious to me how my thinking has developed as I have more sober time ‘under my belt’ …
Some of my more esoteric posts about yoga or karma represent initial thinking about subjects I have not previously given any ‘air time’ – probably because far too much space in my brain was taken up with the emotional paraphernalia and fall out from drinking. Now that I am sober, and my mood swings have definitely calmed down, I seem to have a lot more ‘brain space’ for some of these more philosophical musings. At times I don’t think they come out clearly, and my own belief system seems very much in its infancy … But I’m interested, enquiring and reflective, and this represents progress to me.
In the last couple of weeks it has been the end of the school year, for sons no 2 and 3; and we have been to assemblies to celebrate the children’s achievements. Son number 2 attends a local state school with an “outstanding” Ofsted report (those in the UK will understand this, for other readers it’s a government assessment of the quality of education the School provides – or it’s supposed to be ! ) Attending the end of year assembly it struck me how consistent the messages were coming from all the staff. There were prizes for effort, achievement and attendance; some children’s musical or oratorical talents were showcased, but again and again the messages coming from staff were about respect (for yourself, peers, staff, property) hard work and commitment (academically, in sport, in all endeavours) and self confidence.
Similarly, the leavers assembly at number 3 son’s school, was full of consistent messages promoting respect, reflection, responsibility, resourcefulness, resilience and reasoning (6R’s)
All of this has got me thinking about the role of adults, and particularly parents in promoting the values and attributes we wish children (especially our own) to adopt: not in a passive way – which to be honest is far to often how I have parented- but actively, firmly and consistently. About how to BE an adult who has a huge and direct influence on the way our children develop. I’m beginning to beleive it’s not enough to passively get on with ones own life alongside ones children, expecting them to somehow absorb the lessons we want them to learn. I have always fed, clothed,washed and loved my kids, I have supervised homework, taken them to clubs and parties, taught them to ride bikes and tie shoelaces. I am, at least, a good enough Parent..
BUT… have I really been present? Have I known what consistent messages I needed to deliver to bring up worthwhile adults, have I consistently made them complete tasks to the best of their ability, developed their potential, attended to their moral education? Yes at times, but consistently ? No. Because I have been drunk, and too drunk to do this , or even really understand that this is what needed to be done.
That’s shame. And there is NO-ONE to blame but myself, and no excuse , and it’s probably too late for son No1; but it’s not too late for son’s 2 & 3 who may now find their slightly easy going, lackadaisical mother has developed some clearer ideas about effective , directional parenting, which might make their lives initially harder, but will, I hope, bear fruit in the end.
I need to think some more, about what I believe to be important. And then take steps to actively, consistently and clearly Instill those behaviours by accepting nothing less. Can I do this? Along with everything else I have to do ? Maybe it’s actually more important than anything else I have to do, and should be prioritised.
That will have implications, but …..