I like this image, it reminds me that it’s the key stone – in the middle – that holds up a strong arch. Sometimes the arch, or bridge is strong enough it walk on, once the key stone is in place,

thats what therapy is about for me, finding that keystone – of believing in it, trusting in it, maybe learning to walk on it ?

I know people have been advising me for some time (on this blog) to go for therapy, and many people have recounted how significant the process has been for them in their sobriety. Can you understand if I say I was a bit reluctant because I knew, deep down, that the casualty of my being honest in a therapeutic relationship was likely to be my partnership with (ex) Mr Lily. I honestly did not expect that just by getting sober, everything would change as it has, but on reflection, the clarity that comes with ongoing sobriety has forced me to face the problems that’s have always been there….

I feel sad, but I also feel I have done everything I possibly could to hold this together. Probably more than I should have done, certainly more than I would expect anyone else to have done. If I have reached the “end of the road” , it’s not because I haven’t tried. I don’t feel I have to reproach myself.

So now that I have started therapy, I think (hope) this process of self realisation and  examination will prevent me from repeating mistakes I have made in my personal life over and over again. I also now understand why some therapists don’t like to work with people who drink too much / take drugs.  It’s because, when intoxicated so often, with the best intentions you can’t be in touch with your real feelings …

So .. Do you know what? I’m ok. I thought I would crumble, collapse and become totally incapable. I haven’t . Slowly I’m getting stuff done. I’m not crying all day. I’m connecting with MY anger about HIS failings rather than just blaming myself ( and before you go all judgy on me – I know all relationships take two to work and two to fail. But it’s not ALL my fault. And I alone could not have made it work. So I don’t actually have to shoulder ALL the guilt.

I like the lady who is my therapist. She ticks the boxes I had “pre set” but she’s also kind, and human; she helps me see “answers” for myself, but she also answers my questions … Do you think it matters if you ‘like’ your therapist ? I know it matters to me that in’like’ my own GP – in so far as the therapeutic relationship goes … ?

Full of questions. Ironically feeling guilty that I’m not MORE upset at the loss of exP. maybe the onslaught will come, or maybe I just tried so hard for so long to no avail that I’ve just run out of emotion. ….

I can’t believe the last post I made was 3 days ago.

ive been very busy, but I don’t feel much further forward.

yesterday I tool all three of my sons, and B’s new girlfriend to a theme park for the day. We went to collect her, drove some way to the park and then did the reverse, at 6 PM. I’m exhausted today. That’s probably why I’m so flat.

Of all the moods and emotions I have, I hate this one the most. Apathy, fatigue, ennui. Everything seems pointless. I see only the negative, the worst possible outcomes. I distrust my own judgement, I struggle to get anything at all done.

im still sober, that’s honestly right now, the only good thing I can see about this whole mess.

So. I’m going to force myself to write what I know in my head and see if I can believe it in my heart…

• no1 son is happier and more focussed and positive than I have seen him in years
• i have done a brave thing ending a relationship that was making me unhappy
• i am strong and capable and there is nothing I cannot manage (or find someone who can)
• The house is happier.
• my kids are at critical times in their lives; they need me.

I will be ok.

i took Bianca and Lola for a ride early in the morning – photo above – I didn’t fall off, but I have a lot of training to do if I am to ride 100 miles in a day !

Sending you all love. Lily 🌷

Not alcohol, don’t panic. !

Today I saw exP. I had several reasons for doing so. One was that he has seemed to me to still be in denial about the current state of affairs; he says he doesn’t understand why I had called time on our relationship; I feel more stable and able to manage. I have to be able to regain some kind or normality soon – I can’t stay off work forever, and I need to regain some equilibrium.

Of course he was contrite. Of course he was nice. Of course he was sorry. Of course he agreed that I had valid points. Of course he apologised for behaviour that he agreed had been unacceptable. We conducted an adult and respectful conversation for 90 minutes or so.

Why on earth does it have to take this much disruption, me locking him out, ending a relationship of 6 years, splitting a family, disrupting my life; why can’t he listen to me before I have to go ballistic?

I Feel I have backtracked, I saw him, alone. To some extent his remorse has touched me. He reminded me, of course, of the man I fell in love with. I’m no longer so angry . I’m no closer to removing his stuff from my house.

On the other hand he is not here. I made it clear he cannot live here. I clearly restated my deal breakers and my fundamental belief that the main problem is our inability to communicate in an adult way. That he is inherantly a critical person, and I have low self esteem, which doesn’t exactly make things easy.

i should feel better. I don’t really. I feel weak. I feel I have let people down . I feel ashamed of myself again. Although I suppose as long as I keep him away from my kids, that’s the main point.

in short. I should feel better, I do in a way. But I think it’s false security. I don’t trust him, but I don’t trust myself either. I feel I’ve exposed myself again. Made myself vulnerable. Allowed him to see my weakness. Given him a way to start getting back in.( or at least given him a reason to think he might)  Not made the clean break I had intended.

depressed, flat and sad tonight. At least I’m sober.

Sorry. Giving up him seems harder than giving up alcohol although I’m not sure he’s any better for me ….

Day 167 sober.

One hundred and sixty seven days. With NO alcohol. I’ve survived the breakdown of my relationship, enjoyed a sober holiday, been on lots of nights out, hosted and attended lunch and dinner parties. And I have not drunk alcohol.

I would have drunk, conservatively, 192 bottles of wine in this period. That would have cost me (again conservatively) £1530. I’m broke now, but hey, less broke than I would have been.

For anyone reading who is in the early days, struggling, relapsed, or simply does not beleive they can do this… YOU CAN. You really really can. Slowly, one day at a time. Carefully, with due respect for your triggers and prioritising your sobriety . YOU CAN . I don’t think about it that much now, at least compared to the early days. Maybe twice a day I remember that I am sober, maybe once a week I wonder, briefly, if I could / should drink.

This week I told my brother and my mother that I have been sober for almost 6 months. My brother never judges (he has always had an off switch) and was pleased for me. My mother was clearly astonished, but in the bigger crisis of the moment, let it pass without the usual reminders of exactly how shit my drinking had made her feel. Phew !

And, Day 6. Day 6 since breaking what I had hoped would be a lifelong partnership. This is early days again. Raw, exposed, painful. Confused, distressing, discombobulating. ( I love that word, although I do not think its a REAL word) and the last 6 days have been HARD.

i expected that, and I expect it to continue for a while.

But, there is a light, and not a tiny light either , at the end of the tunnel. I feel lighter, calmer, less anxious. My children are undoubtedly happier. There are problems and troubles; some practical, some emotional, to come. I will manage.

When I think about the worst possible things that could happen now that ExP is not here, not one seems as impossible to manage / negotiate as the deal breakers in our relationship that I have been wrestling with (alone) for the last few years.

One day at a time. Just like sobriety. Plan, respect yourself, take care of yourself, be aware of triggers, don’t look at forever. Just be kind to yourself and keep on going.

i can do this too.

( the photo is sunrise over Tresco, it’s not my image so I use it with thanks to the photographer)

I have posted before about my difficulty connecting with my “feelings”. Sometimes I don’t know what I feel – I mean really Don’t know what I feel.

other times, like now I DO know, but I don’t trust it.

This morning I Feel better, I feel calmer, I feel less anxious, I feel that my future will be better without him.

But I feel guilty for thinking that, and I can’t help feeling ( or is it thinking) that I am somehow wrong.

He (exP) tells me that he misses me, but if I examine my feelings minutely , I don’t miss him. Last night me and sons 1 and 3 sat in our front room after I had made the boys’ dinner. We watched the “jungle book”, the new adaptation. Son #3 and I cuddled up on the sofa , and son 1 kept 1/2 ( or perhaps 3/4) of an eye on his phone. Lola snoozed on her bed. I drank a couple of Becks blue lemon, and donated one to son 1 (in the absence of any ‘proper’ alcohol he seemed happy enough with it)

An unremarkable, I dare say boring, family evening. But. For us it was pretty special. No one yelling at the kids to get their feet off he sofa (he exp- lay with his feet on the sofa ALL THE TIME) no bad atmosphere because the kids were ‘in adult space’ ; no brooding presence because we were watching something he didn’t want to, NO TENSION. bliss.

I was thinking about the end of my marriage. I struggled for a long time trying to MAKE exH see that smoking pot all day in front of kids who were then 8,5 and 2 was a bad role model, unsafe, made him paranoid and very scary. To me it was SO obvious, why couldn’t I make him understand it? The break point came when he took son#1 to a gig in London one evening. Son 1 was 11 years old. My ExH got so paralytically drunk / drugged, that he was asked to leave the club. He was in no state to get home, so son #1had to work out how to get a paralytically drunk man home from central London. In the days before he had a mobile, with only his wits to help him. That was enough. It was as though he (exH) had to do something SO awful that no one could put up with it, before I was “allowed” to call it a day.

But it took me several weeks to work out that it didn’t really matter if HE (exH) thought his behaviour was acceptable. I DID NOT, and that my feelings and beliefs were just as Viable and valuable and important as his. And I could not MAKE him understand me because he DID NOT WANT TO CHANGE. Oh, and that I did not need his agreement to divorce him.

Fast forward to now. The reasons that my relationship with my exP (formally known as Mr Lily although we are not married) is over are MY reasons. They are deal breakers FOR ME. And he will never agree, he will never think I’m being reasonable. But I Do. And that IS good enough. He will not agree, he will not understand. That will not happen. And I will wait forever for the day that he says ” yes, you are right, I have behaved unreasonably ”

I am afraid, that he will undermine me if I see him. That he will convince me again that I am WRONG. that it’s ridiculous, stupid, blinkered , that I don’t know what I Feel. And that what I feel is stupid.

I need to think about this. Why should I believe his version of My reality? Why do I do that? Is he coercive? Emotionally abusive? Just outspoken? Harsh, cruel. I don’t know. Or is the “fault” mine, that I have not stood up for myself ( or the boys) enough, not argued each little point that I disagreed with, allowed him leeway, which he took as tacit agreement – that I agreed with him. Am in fact as wrong as he says I am?

Why have I ignored my “feelings”, no , my deepest instinct telling me, SCREAMING AT ME THAT THIS IS NOT OK, for such a long time? Why have I not raised this issues In a take it or leave it way? I have been questioning the future of this relationship for 3 years.

What is wrong with me?

And WHY am I still not 100% sure it’s done. Because it should be. And not one person, even HIS friends, who have seen inside this house what goes on, have said that I should consider ‘the other side’; not one.

And so it begins.

a mutual friend , who has been talking to my ExP, asks if there is anything left to talk about, any negotiations, any point in talking. And what would be my condition of this?

i want to say no.

I want to say yes.

in the end I say I don’t know.

Reflection is impossible to avoid, although I am trying hard to do this. I am clear that I am extremely angry with exP. there are some things I think I will find impossible to forgive. If i even wanted to try .

If I do not try, will I regret it?

i have said that I will neither see nor speak to him alone – that the only circumstance under which I would consider ‘talking’ would be in a safe space, with a neutral, professional third party.

Im not sure I can be bothered. There is so so much that would need to change . And a fundamental change of attitude that meant I was listened to, my needs considered as equally important.

And i can’t  help feeling that this “offer” comes too late in the day, under duress and with no genuine desire to do anything differently. Just a lip service, a token effort to shut me up, and put me back in my “box”.

Right now, I’m distressed, consumed with anxiety, rumination and unable to be distracted – even by my favourite yoga class. But I think this will pass, and I shouldn’t try to ‘fix it’, because it’s normal.

I certainly shouldn’t allow myself to be bamboozled by more bloody meaningless words and promises of change. So I should wait for actions, deliverables ….

There isn’t really a hurry. So I think “I don’t know” was probably good enough for now, and time will tell what comes next.

To bed, for another sleepless night made worse by the bloody menopausal hot flushes that have seen fit to recur at this time. Gentian and valerian tabs not really cutting it right now.

I’m still here, I’m still sober (although its hard not to drink right now, it’s oddly not the hardest thing) and I’m still alone.

all these things are good.

also good is that I went to see a showcase production yesterday by the group of young people (16 -17) that son No 1 has been away with for the last two weeks. The umbrella organisation is called National Citizens Service, and they provide 4 week long programmes for young people to help them gain confidence and teach them skills such as teamworking, confidence and project delivery.

it was hard for me to go yesterday as I was very tearful, but I’m so glad I did. Not just to support son 1, but because the whole thing was inspirational. The young people were amazing; self assured and modest, creative, supportive of each other,  and all had achieved so much. At the end, one of the leaders came to find me, and said that my son was outstanding , that he had been resourceful, supportive, enthusiastic and very kind. He, my son, looked fantastic – happy, bright eyed, part of a team. After years of ExP telling me daily what a loser he is, well – it was wonderful.

My son has also met a young woman there. She is bright, articulate and enthusiastic. They are planning to meet again when the projects are over. This means that his previous unambitious, manipulative, sulky, girlfriend is an ex. I’m happy about this too. 😈😈😈

beyond that, and that was a big big plus. I’m not great. Very tearful, very distracted, very sad. It helps that I have support from my brother, my sister in law and  my friends. I can’t eat, I ache all over, I can’t concentrate and I’ve started to be plagued by the “did I do the right thing” questions.

I KNOW in my head that I have done. I know nothing will change and I have been unhappy for a long time. I know we were not a true partnership , and I know I, and my boys, deserve better.

But I did love him. I probably still do love him. But I can’t live as we were. And he has proved time and time again that he does not consider my unhappiness as good enough reason to change, to talk to me, to consider doing anything differently.

I have recognised that I cannot work in my current state. I have told my practice manager I can’t come in next week (and why) I need some time. The week after that I am on holiday anyway.

i will go to my GP early this week. I need help, and I know she will be kind. I also need a therapist. Pretty urgently now, I need some professional help to support me.

I have decided to limit contact with exP. as far as possible I will not email, text, etc. And I will certainly not see him. I need space.

I will tell people. Actually most people want to help, and they can’t help – even by just being kind, if they don’t know that I’m struggling.

Today I will walk Lola, I need to get some food in, at least for son 3. ExP,s stuff is all over the house. I need to start ‘containing it’ because it reminds me of what I have lost. I might ask for help doing this.

I will go to yoga. I may cry all the way through, but I will go. I think I will feel better after, and I will have a sauna as well.

Thats it. Nothing more taxing.

Thank you for your lovely messages. I will respond, but it may take me a day or two. Please believe me when I say that I do really apprechiate each and every one, and the time you have taken to respond to an Internet blogger who is struggling.

at least I don’t have a hangover.

Yesterday Mr Lily and I went our separate ways. I will now refer to him as exP, it feels , um, cleaner.

I don’t really want to get in to the whys and wherefores, as I wrote yesterday I feel it would invade his privacy. Perhaps it’s enough to say that ultimately this was a communication issue that we have been unable to resolve. It was / is a deal breaker for me, and hard though it is, I can see no alternative to separation. I believe this is the final break.

But today I’m all over the shop. I can’t stop crying. Son no 2 has gone away with some friends this morning and I’m ashamed to say I wept and wept, I have this need to hold those I love close to me at the moment – and I will miss him. Of course I still have son 3, Lola the dog and friends around me. J and K are aware, and very kind – they of course have more than enough to deal with right now.

So why am I so distraught? This has been coming for literally ages. I do not believe I could have done more to avert it. I suggest couples counselling months ago, exP was not interested.

• i have lost my future. I hoped we would be together for ever.
• i am a single parent again to two teenagers and an almost teenager. I’m scared I will not do well
• i have failed, again, to maintain a relationship that was so so important to me
• i have a demanding and consuming job, right now I can barely concentrate to make a cup of tea. I drove through a red light yesterday.
• physically I feel appalling, I have diarrhoea, no appetite, headache and no energy at all
• I have ripped the boys’ home apart again – no 3 does not remember when his  biological father was at home, ExP is the only father figure he remembers living with. He is sanguine for now – but I am feeling the strain
• i thought he cared for me and I just do not understand why he could not have put himself out, done one thing, to try and save the relationship that he claimed meant so much. Perhaps it didn’t mean that much at all, and I was indeed just a convenience – that hurts worst of all.

im grieving and I’m in shock ; I sort of know this.

I have made some lists – now, short term, longer term.

I can’t eat, but I am drinking (fluids! Not alcohol)

today I have walked the dog and this is a good achievement. One day at a time. It will get better, and I will be ok.

To those of you (L and Mary) who specifically said that finding my blog has helped them get sober – that is such an enormous compliment- thank you from the bottom of my heart. There is a lot more to come I think! I do not think this split is because I am sober, the issues were already there. I do think being sober has given me the courage, strength and belief to accept that this can never make me content, so I will either be unhappy for ever, or I change it.

And to everyone else – just thank you for being there, keeping company , holding my hand. This feels much much much worse than when my marriage ended, but maybe I’m just feeling the reality rather than drinking it away ….

I’m very happy in my island paradise. I love it here. I’ve been coming here on and off since I was a very young child with my parents. I had a few years break as a young woman, and them began bringing my own children.

This island is tiny; 2 miles long and 1 wide. It’s gorgeous in every way, (www.tresco.co.uk if anyone is interested) For a tiny island, there is a lot todo. Today we hired a motor boat and island hopped, sunbathing, shell collecting, sketching, paddling and navigating between destinations. My friend J is better than we could have hoped, and enjoying the holiday.

After the initial testing experiences, it’s been easy enough to stay sober; I’m so conscious of how much I have ‘grown’ in the last 5 months, that I really don’t want to lose that, or disrupt my journey in any way.

I’ve been very physically active here – inevitable in someways on an island with no cars ! But I have been running and cycling more than I had to, and enjoyed the endorphin burst from that – I’m hoping to keep it up when I return home.

Ive crept off for a little down time, I’m realising that I am actually quite an introvert and I need time to myself. I love being with my family and friends, but I do need space alone to recharge.

In our travels today, we revisited a beach where an incident occurred that marked the end of my marriage, That was 9 years ago. We had travelled, similar to today to a beach on a neighbouring island. My children were, at that time, 8, 5, and 2. We parked the boat on a beach and walked to the islands hotel for lunch. My the husband was being utterly obnoxious and was clearly off his head on something or other (I don’t know if I mentioned before that he is / was a drug addict). After a difficult lunch we walked back to where the boat was beached. The tide had come up and the boat had floated about 30 m off shore and was stuck on a rocky outcrop, inaccessible except my swimming. Clearly my husband was not going to swim out to the boat, so I asked him to mind our children on the beach. Bear in mind the youngest was 2 years old. He refused to do so and told me to “Look after your own f***ing kids”.

so I explained to my eight year old son that he had to be responsible for his younger brothers on the beach, whilst Mummy swam to get the boat. I swam out, had to dive several times to uncoil the anchor rope, and dragged to boat into the shore, whilst he lay on the beach tripping on something and our children ran around, totally unsupervised by any adult.

i never forgave him for that. And he never apologised. He now says he has forgotten all about it.

i haven’t forgotten, and I doubt I ever will.

Being there today, I realised I have forgiven him. I will never forget, and I will never have respect for him again, but I am no longer angry. Rather I feel quite sorry for him that his addiction was so complete that he could put his children at risk like that and that his “need to be smashed” was so great he could put his wife in such a difficult position. But I’m sad now, not angry any longer, and I know that I will never do such a thing, because I got off the train before I reached that station.

I’m lucky. And I’m counting my blessings.

So it’s day 3. I am sober . I AM SOBER, and now I’m confident I will stay that way.

Our holiday is going really well. Yesterday I went cycling, swam in the very cold sea, and ran 5k again. J is amazingly well, I can’t believe how active and healthy he is able to be.

Last night we went out for dinner and met up with some friends. One of the ladies asked me if I was just not drinking temporarily (I had never met her before) and , out of my mouth came the words, “oh no, I don’t drink” … 😀😀 it’s not easy , but it’s feeling natural .

i have walked a lot, reflected a lot, picked up my cardiovascular exercise. And I have slept, slept so deeply, heavily and long… The early mornings I had intended to be taking advantage of with  no hangover, I have been deeply asleep !

The photo above is the view from our cottage, the weather is perfect , which can be a bit hit and miss in the uk. I’m happy, I’m sober and all’s  good with the world .

We are here. Left home at 5.30 am, and we are ALL here. At the moment, J is better that I could have hoped and all is well.

i have negotiated my first sober lunch, and found out that the pub sells San Miguel 0%; all good. I’m exhausted and am heading to bed. Lots of thought and lots of challenges, but I’m too tired to articulate any of them,  as well as being just so releived that we made it , I’m having a predictable mood crash,

in reality it’s all good. The place is beautiful, the house is comfortable and well equipped , and the sun is shining. What more to ask?

i need sleep now; night folks – sober hugs and love Lily 🌷Xx

this is Bianca. She is my road bike I bought yesterday. She’s been a demo bike for the store so she was going cheap and looking for a premenant home. Bianca is a slip of a thing, I can carry her with one hand.

There are a few quirks about riding Bianca, because she’s so light, it’s quite hard to steer her accurately – and I’ve fallen off twice already! Biancas pedals need clip in shoes, that I’ve never used before. It’s cool when your feet are locked in, more challenging when you need to stop and put a foot to the floor. Another almost fall when I did this !

Me abd Bianca have to do a bit of practicing together to learn each others foibles, but I’m pretty sure we will learn to work together – and a lot of fun awaits us. Pretty soon we will start training for our big race next summer- along with mr lily on his racing bike.

im optimistic, enthusiastic, and inspired. I believe in myself, and I have an outlet for my restless agitation. Bianca is gorgeous and I know she and I can have a great time together abd raise loads of money for a good cause 🙂

And a plan.

My friend Tori,  in a recent blog post (http://sothisissober.com/index.php/2016/08/08/stretch/#comments) talks about the

TIME  that is released when you stop drinking. The early mornings that are now useful time. The evenings where I can do lots of things because I am sober.

I have been thinking about what I could do that would be useful. Could I visit the elderly?, become a school governor? Help out at a scout group?

After seeing our friend J yesterday, I have decided to spend the next year raising as much money as I can for Prostate cancer research.

The final event I will do is a 100 mile ride (sponsored), but I will also do cake sales, and whatever other charity events I can think of. Ideas gratefully received. I want to raise £5000 over the year, so I have some work to do. It will fill my evenings, get me fit , and hopefully help the charity that has funded research that is helping my friend.

This morning I am like a wrung out dishcloth. I feel as though all my emotions and stress and anxiety over the past 3 years, all the hostility , frustration and tension, came to an explosion point yesterday afternoon.

I didn’t drink.

All the other adults were drinking, which was absolutely fine as my friend K brought me lovely cucumber and  mint presse. And then they all got a bit drunk, and that was ok too as everyone was happy & excited about our upcoming holiday.

And then my eldest son came home. And the trouble started.

The details don’t really matter, but all the resentments and hurt and anger that has been festering in our home, all the frustration and grievance with my eldest son, going back years came bursting out of Mr Lily. With the diplomatic  and loving support of K, and her 16 year old son (whose maturity and common sense was a revelation and a delight) my eldest son faced the rage, apologized and best of all, he and Mr Lily officially agreed to forget then past, move forward and treat each other with love and respect. They even had a hug. They have barely spoken a civil word to each for months, and they shook hands and had a hug

I have cried and cried and released so much of my hidden despair and anguish, the emotions from me, from my son and from Mr Lily was so powerful and so intense, it blasted through my defenses and left me vulnerable, raw and exhausted. Everyone, except me (and my eldest son) was pretty drunk, and it maybe that the alcohol allowed the frustration, anger and emotion to be expressed.

I did not drink. That was possibly the most stressful, emotionally painful, disquieting, situation I have faced for years. And I was sober. Thank God I was sober. I was able to speak honestly, passionately and at times I said things that were true but hurtful. I said all these things consciously, in a considered way. I spoke quietly without aggression. I could think clearly, and to some extent manipulate a painful emotionally damaging maelstrom of blame, criticism, anger and antipathy. If I had been drunk I believe it would have been so much worse.

I do not know how long this peace will last. I only know that today I am full of hope and love. I have my family back and with Mr Lily onside I believe we can guide and support my eldest son, and help him find a path to a career he can be happy in. If he can come home and feel loved welcomed and supported I believe we can guide him the correct way.

Sober this morning, I counted my blessings, hugged Mr Lily and thanked him for the huge effort he has made to overcome his anger. Then I went out with no 1 son, to a military recruitment center, to gather some information;  took him out for lunch and just talked to him. I hope he has turned a corner and we can ALL be happier and live together in harmony.

And I did not drink.  I DID NOT DRINK, I DID NOT DRINK

Tonight I am properly happy and content. And in 3 days I will be here