Since I have been sober lots of things have got better; some were things that I had expected or hoped for, other things have been a surprise. The sobriety itself has been both easier and harder than I expected.
One thing I had really hoped for, once I stopped tipping alcohol down my neck every day, was a bit of weight loss. Just a bit, a reward for the denial, a positive, tangible, physical demonstration of the healthy choice I have made, I felt I DESERVED it.
So , I am today 144 days sober, And I am three fricking pounds HEAVIER than I was on March 11th.
I’ve got this little app on my phone , called “I’m done drinking” (I found it on the App Store) .. You enter how much of what you were drinking, and how much it cost. The app does the rest. So, I have apparently saved 157,007 kcals. Just from not drinking alcohol….
If I use the well recognised equation which tells us that 3,500 kcals = 1 lb of fat, then I have saved myself a staggering 44.9 lbs of fat. That’s just over THREE STONE’s worth of calories I have not drunk… But , am I lighter. No. I. am. NOT. which in turn means I have eaten , on average 1,163 kcals MORE (EVERY DAY) than I was eating previously, more than I needed to eat, to not only maintain my body weight, but actually increase it.
This really depresses me. But if I’m honest, I have not paid any attention whatsoever to my diet since I quit drinking. I have eaten shed loads of chocolate, cake, sweeties, ice cream, biscuits and pretty much anything sweet, fattening and unhealthy I could find.
It occurred to me today as I glowered at myself in the mirror again that my attitude to this self indulgent food fest is not a great deal different to my attitude to alcohol when I was deep in my petulant alcoholic denial.
Quite a lot of “I deserve it”; “just one won’t hurt”; “it won’t do me any harm”; a rather obstinate refusal to look at the realities, a head in the sand – self defeating “tomorrow will do” attitude.
Now maybe that shouldn’t matter, after all, I’m not vastly overweight, and surely a bit of laxity with cream buns is allowed in the initial stages of getting sober… Maybe. But what does matter to me is how lousy I feel in myself. The lack of self control and the burgeoning waist line makes me feel every day like a failure.. I want to feel in control of myself, not a slave to whims and greed…
I’m really not sure what to do. I’m not sure if this is a full scale cross addiction , whether being ‘strict’ with myself is likely to be counter productive, whether I should make a proper diet plan and follow it … I’d been sort of hoping that a natural rhythmic eating pattern would emerge once the alcoholic / sugar highs and lows had evened out – that I would want to eat healthily and nourish myself … That hasn’t really happened yet…..
I slightly feel (and I don’t want to think this) that my addiction tendencies, are finding another outlet …and that unless I deal with whatever is underneath, I will continue to have one issue or another ….
Bugger. Not a great couple of days really