It feels to me that my family is broken. It’s probably no more broken than it was when I was drinking, but I am much more aware of it, much more distressed by it, and much more conscious of my part in creating the current situation. I am also aware that it feels like only I can bring about a resolution.
But to do that I have to lose either my partner or my eldest son.
no wonder I feel I am breaking .
This is what all the last few days turmoil relates to, I think: swirling thoughts about loss, the anxiety I have been feeling, the lethargy, the lack of motivation. It’s a bit more than PAWS … It’s a very shocking and blunt realisation that there are insoluble problems in my closest family, that neither party involved is prepared to compromise on. And that this means my life needs to be dismantled again and rebuilt without one of the protagonists.
Im not sure I’m strong enough to do this, and yet NOT doing something is destroying me.
What would a woman who loved herself do ? I actually don’t know, but this woman is back to wondering if jumping is the only option I’m actually able to implement.
(don’t worry – I won’t do that; it would be too cruel to the younger boys)
mr lily will not talk to me. Or will not listen. Or will not understand. And will not compromise . And my foolish immature son, full of hormones and seemingly incapable of recognising even now , that actions have consequences … Will do nothing at all to even try and abide by any rules.
And the younger two, and I are stuck. Stuck living in a house with a hostile corrosive atmosphere.
I suppose on the bright side, at least they have a sober mother to interact with …