Stark reality

It feels to me that my family is broken. It’s probably no more broken than it was when I was drinking, but I am much more aware of it, much more distressed by it, and much more conscious of my part in creating the current situation. I am also aware that it feels like only I can bring about a resolution.

But to do that I have to lose either my partner or my eldest son.

no wonder I feel I am breaking .

This is what all the last few days turmoil relates to, I think: swirling thoughts about loss, the anxiety I have been feeling, the lethargy, the lack of motivation. It’s a bit more than PAWS … It’s a very shocking and blunt realisation that there are insoluble problems in my closest family, that neither party involved is prepared to compromise on. And that this means my life needs to be dismantled again and rebuilt without one of the protagonists.

Im not sure I’m strong enough to do this, and yet NOT doing something is destroying me.

What would a woman who loved herself do ? I actually don’t know, but this woman is back to wondering if jumping is the only option I’m actually able to implement.

(don’t worry – I won’t do that; it would be too cruel to the younger boys)

mr lily will not talk to me. Or will not listen. Or will not understand. And will not  compromise . And my foolish immature son, full of hormones and seemingly incapable of recognising even now , that actions have consequences … Will do nothing at all to even try and abide by any rules.

And the younger two, and I are stuck. Stuck living in a house with a hostile corrosive atmosphere.

I suppose on the bright side, at least they have a sober mother to interact with …


18 comments

  1. I have been in your position exactly. Nothing will tear you apart faster, it seems. You have the mother’s instinct to protect your son, especially when he won’t protect himself. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through, watching his downward spiral. Today, he is fine and going to college, which I could not have hoped for at the time. I did have to take some drastic action when it came down to it, however.
    Hang in there. You are doing so well by not drinking through it. You are “present” in a way that I was not.

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    • Thank you. I am (and have been for some time) contemplating “drastic action” , I’m just afraid of the possible consequences .. It may be a case of ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ quite soon … Lily 🌷

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      • If you ever want to talk off-line about the option I chose, just let me know. My son now says it’s the best thing that ever happened to him. Miracles do happen.
        There really ought to be support groups for this type of thing. It’s so hard to know what to do.

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  2. All I can say is that my heart breaks for you for what you are going through. As you say, at least you are sober. Bravo for not escaping your stress. I’m thinking good thoughts in your direction and hope that you can weather this crisis and make it to calmer waters.

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  3. Oh blogfriend my heart reaches for you. I empathize so much. I don’t know what is right for you but in 2004 I was in a similar circumstance. My marriage felt completely broken to bits, I was drinking most of a pint of gin a night and more miserable than I ever thought possible. I had decided to get divorced for sure and was working on what to tell the kids. Figured I’d better quit drinking because I didn’t want such a big life-altering decision to be made from a steeped-in-booze position (or Spouse to use it against me when the time came.) Early sobriety only made me even MORE convinced I needed to get a divorce…but all the stuff I was reading at the time said not to make any big decisions for the first six months and a whole year was better. Plus we had some non-refundable tickets for an “away” family vacation about two and a half months out from my quit date. So I just held on….and it got better. Slowly I started figuring out ways to articulate my own needs and fears and anger and although some of the issues are still, twelve years later, not what one would think of as fully completely resolved, they’re at least manageable and we’re still together.

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    • That’s really interesting . How much of my anger at Mr lily for his intransigent position in relation to my eldest son will settle ? Will I be able to accept his point f view better now that I am sober?, will we be able to communicate more effectively ( because right now it’s rubbish) food for thought … Thanks – and good to know your sobriety had a positive effect on your marriage 🙂 Lily 🌷x

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  4. I know what Dr Phil would say but then again who asked him. I had to kick my 18 year old son out of the home for what may be similar issues. It healed my relationship with my husband and strangely my other children also reacted positively. One bad apple can affect the rest in the bowl. He came home 12 months later, more mature with less attitude. I don’t regret my decision. Hope you find peace.

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    • Where did he go? I would potentially ‘kick him out’, as I do believe it might be the wake up call he needs.. But he would go to stay with a bunch of people who don’t work, have an attitude that says doing nothing is acceptable , and I fear he would be lost forever … My able I need to face that? Or maybe he’s not actually “that bad” and it’s just mr lily who can’t stand him – at least partly because there is n blood tie … Thanks for your thoughts, it really helps . Lily 🌷

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      • Yes, he went to live with my married daughter so at least I knew where he was. It’s a tough decision. Especially concerning your relationship with your partner.

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  5. what a dreadful choice to have to make, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I’m not a parent so I’m in no position to offer advice there but I’m sending you best wishes and some extra strength for this difficult time. Take care x

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  6. Caught between the proverbial “Rock and a hard place” you are. I just commented on your breakdown blog post, so won’t repeat myself here, other than to say….((((((hugs))))))). I went through a terrible divorce 21 years ago. My kids were only 11 & 4, so I can relate to your relationship issues to some extent. Sadly, my decision was the one to leave, and to leave the kids where they best belonged, but that was terribly hard on me. That’s when I started my serious drinking. My ongoing Jungian therapy in the past few years has been invaluable.

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    • I’m sorry for your loss Nelson, so hard to be a non resident parent. I know mr lily struggled with this although he was able to see his children regularly … 🌷

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      • Thanks…and my X did everything possible to make things difficult for me. I lived in hell for many years, until the kids grew up and moved out….and then we started to build a real relationship, although thats been difficult. They still live within 5 minutes of their Mom, so I have never felt very welcome….and to be honest the alcohol for many years helped me to cope with all of this….

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  7. A man who won’t work it through with you and is unbending is a man willing to walk away. I would let him walk. Your child needs to come first and still needs your guidance. You may need to set boundaries with your son, but that is one relationship worth investing in. I wish you all the best Lily.

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    • You may be right Kelly. Time will tell. Today things are (much) better and we are all optimistic and positive, I’m not naive and I do not know how long this can last – but for now I am enjoying the spirit of happiness and fun 🌷xx

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  8. Lily I hope things have continued to be better. I read the most brilliant article about Harriet Wran in last weekend’s Australian Magazine. What struck me was her mother’s refusal to walk away from her. My children are still all under ten (thank goodness) so I can only imagine the horror of having to choose between one of them and my husband. Absolutely well done though on not succumbing to cravings throughout. I’m sure whatever decisions are made will be better for having been made soberly. Sending you love and strength. Julia xx

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    • Thank you. , for now it’s peace, good will and positivity. I will expend all my will and effort to keep it so! I’ll look for that article, thanks lily 🌷

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