This morning I am like a wrung out dishcloth. I feel as though all my emotions and stress and anxiety over the past 3 years, all the hostility , frustration and tension, came to an explosion point yesterday afternoon.
I didn’t drink.
All the other adults were drinking, which was absolutely fine as my friend K brought me lovely cucumber and mint presse. And then they all got a bit drunk, and that was ok too as everyone was happy & excited about our upcoming holiday.
And then my eldest son came home. And the trouble started.
The details don’t really matter, but all the resentments and hurt and anger that has been festering in our home, all the frustration and grievance with my eldest son, going back years came bursting out of Mr Lily. With the diplomatic and loving support of K, and her 16 year old son (whose maturity and common sense was a revelation and a delight) my eldest son faced the rage, apologized and best of all, he and Mr Lily officially agreed to forget then past, move forward and treat each other with love and respect. They even had a hug. They have barely spoken a civil word to each for months, and they shook hands and had a hug
I have cried and cried and released so much of my hidden despair and anguish, the emotions from me, from my son and from Mr Lily was so powerful and so intense, it blasted through my defenses and left me vulnerable, raw and exhausted. Everyone, except me (and my eldest son) was pretty drunk, and it maybe that the alcohol allowed the frustration, anger and emotion to be expressed.
I did not drink. That was possibly the most stressful, emotionally painful, disquieting, situation I have faced for years. And I was sober. Thank God I was sober. I was able to speak honestly, passionately and at times I said things that were true but hurtful. I said all these things consciously, in a considered way. I spoke quietly without aggression. I could think clearly, and to some extent manipulate a painful emotionally damaging maelstrom of blame, criticism, anger and antipathy. If I had been drunk I believe it would have been so much worse.
I do not know how long this peace will last. I only know that today I am full of hope and love. I have my family back and with Mr Lily onside I believe we can guide and support my eldest son, and help him find a path to a career he can be happy in. If he can come home and feel loved welcomed and supported I believe we can guide him the correct way.
Sober this morning, I counted my blessings, hugged Mr Lily and thanked him for the huge effort he has made to overcome his anger. Then I went out with no 1 son, to a military recruitment center, to gather some information; took him out for lunch and just talked to him. I hope he has turned a corner and we can ALL be happier and live together in harmony.
And I did not drink. I DID NOT DRINK, I DID NOT DRINK
Tonight I am properly happy and content. And in 3 days I will be here