I hate drinking

Today everyone is drinking. Since 4 pm the adults have been necking the beer. Now it’s 10.30pm, Mr Lily is drunk and boring, my 14 year old son has somehow managed to get drunk and is staggering around. J & K are not drunk , and are I think equally fed up with the drunkeness. I hate it.

Mr Lily tells me he is unhappy, feels left out and isolated; but he is unable to listen to me long enough to answer questions about how things might be different. He is also completely disinterested in my feelings about our relative estrangement. This is not all alcohol. He’s not the best listener / communicator when sober, but it’s 100% worse when he’s drunk.

i feel like a killjoy. A miserable sober old bag, the one being ‘sensible’, the one insisting on going home . But  I’m bored and agitated sitting In a pub with my alcohol free beer,  whilst the drunk ones  get more  tedious by the minute.

i don’t regret being sober. I don’t want to drink, I find it faintly ridiculous that adults spend so much money to get incapable, aggressive, insensitive and unpleasant. Why bother? I know I did the EVERY SINGLE DAY until 5 months (158 days) ago. Now I feel isolated in my sobriety whist the rest of my contempories, and most important, the person who is supposed to be my partner, drink to drunkeness.

i bought a painting today. And then I bought one for J and K . This made me happy – I have posted a picture of my painting g at the top of this post. To me it’s a happy picture, capturing the essence of this special place.

now I am wondering about the whole foundation of my new sober life. I know relationships change, and I know that I have changed a lot, and am still growing and learning stuff about myself. I can’t change anyone else, all I can change is myself. If I’m unhappy, only I can fix it …

and I am unhappy. Inside, how ever I coat it, however hard I try to ignore it , I am very unhappy. No good answers about how I will change it … But it’s sharply in focus now.

 

 

 

 


20 comments

  1. Sorry to hear of your sadness lily but you seem convinced that drinking won’t help.
    And I agree that drunk people are pretty annoying. I’m actually mortified to think of how many times people must have sat while I bored the arses off them. How embarrassing. Sometimes we have to make huge sacrifices to be true to ourselves 😦
    I hope things work out for the best and enjoy another sunny sober day tomorrow x

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  2. I’m so sorry that you are in such a hard situation right now. I could say things to the effect that when everyone is drinking it’s easier to ignore problems. But you know all of that. And, as peacefullysober points out,you also know that drinking won’t make a problem go away. You have made a huge change in your life which has perceipated other changes and awareness. Made something once bearable not so much anymore. You are a strong woman and I know that you will make it through this, difficult as it may be. I also know that you will meet other contemporaries that share like minded values.
    On another note, I love the painting. It reminds me of a Gauguin. The colors are wonderful. Try to think of all that color inside of you.
    Big hug

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      • To be honest I was self righteous and very judgemental of him. In many ways it reminded me of when I was a young christian, walking around with a high and mighty attitude. I lost a lot of friends doing that but thankfully time brought wisdom and maturity in that area. When I fell off the wagon my husband did all he could to stop me from drinking, he was very supportive. I had isolated myself from him during sobriety thinking he was a trigger. I went to bed early, sat in the other room from him. It was not healthy for me or him. It taught me a lot though and I would do it differently next time.

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  3. I love the painting.
    I’m sorry about the mr. Try not to discuss real things with people when drunk. They say stupid things.

    I can only imagine that is very hard. I changed most of my friends in year 1. I can’t stand drunk people. But mr Anne is sober as well, so I didn’t have to figure out that huge issue.

    I often still say no to drinking based events. Craig will sometimes still go, but early and for a short time. People waste a lot of their lives avoiding living. It’s depressing.

    You are doing awesome. Lots of changing. Allow things to be unveiled. Until then, protect yourself. You deserve peace.

    Anne

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    • Thanks Anne. J and K are drinking moderately, j is after all very ill, and K, although she has been a big drinking buddy in the past, she has an off switch and wants to stay in control, in case j does become unwell.

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    • Sorry, sent too soon. It’s Mr L ‘s frustrations and unhappiness coming out when he’s drunk. BUT, I obviously can’t reason with a drunk person, and he’s not listening anyway ( when drunk) , so I just sit there with all this stuff being said to me, that I profoundly disagree with, OR. That I would like to explore further, and I can neither speak nor engage on any level because he is drunk . But today is a new day .. Onwards and upwards .. thank you for you thoughtful, gentle encouragement. lily 🌷xxx

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  4. This would drive any sane sober person crazy, as Anne says, not even worth trying to discuss something with a drunk person, but by the same token don’t take anything to heart that is said by a drink person. We all talk rubbish when we’re drunk. Hope you are feeling a bit better today and that you have a better day. Well done for being strong and not drinking

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  5. Not a good day – hope this one is better. I agree completely with Anne – you are growing, viewing life and other people without numbing your emotions, and it can be hard.
    It can be tempting, with new-found clarity, to want to rush in and fix things, state our new boundaries and how we would like things to be. It will take others more time to adapt to the new you, and, with time, your relationships with those close to you can not help but change.

    I found counselling incredibly helpful on so many levels. For years I struggled with “communication difficulties” with my husband. The combination of a prolonged period of sobriety (mine, not his) and counselling really helped me let go of resentments, allowed me to see that we are both doing the best we can, with our own individual strengths and weaknesses. And what I thought was a communication problem has disappeared.
    Obviously everyone’s circumstances are different, and some relationships remain intolerable. What I am trying to say is, 5 months is still a relatively short period of time, and you will continue to change and evolve. As Anne says, wait for things to be unveiled.
    In the meantime, accept that there are good days and bad days, and take time out as much as you can. I find a bad -tempered walk/stomp outside blows away my stress and anger!
    Trish xx

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    • Thank you. You are right, 5 months IS a very short time, and I’m still in a period of such adjustment and change. There is a reason why people are told not to make any big changes for at least a year. I do think I need to find a therapist, but the task of finding someone I can connect with and be honest with seems overwhelming … And you are right, a release in exercise is a healthy and positive outlet for frustrations ! Thank you. Lily xxx 🌷

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  6. What a difficult situation to be in. It’s so hard to face unwanted changes and potentially hard truths without the cushioning and dulling we used alcohol for. It’s also far more constructive and worth doing, but really hard while we’re doing it. You’re brave and strong to resist the urge to run from this and to the bottle.

    This also makes me cringe about the amount of drunken crap I must have waffled on about over the years 😦 I’ve managed to avoid drunk people so far on this attempt… I hope you’re feeling much better today and I also love the painting. Take care, hugs x

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  7. I’m sorry to read that you had to deal with this situation. But it does sound like you handled it well.
    I’m in the same situation as you that I’m sober and my husband is not.
    It’s impossible to have a logical conversation with him when he is drinking. Which is all of the time. He doesn’t listen or reason and gets upset and distant.
    I think about it all of the time. Is this going to be a sustainable relationship? Will I grow away from it? Or will we be able to make it work even though we’re on different paths? Will he ever cut down or stop drinking? I doubt it.

    Like everyone else has said. It takes time. We need to do what’s best for us. The right thing will happen at the right time. I’m only on 45 days, but I hope once I hit 6 plus months that I start to find a new “tribe” of sober support that makes it easier. I’m sure you will too. 😉

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  8. I do not hang around drinking people often these days because it is sooo tedious and boring. And irresponsible! And unhealthy! There is nothing wrong with (finally) growing up. And there’s nothing wrong with getting impatient with playmates who won’t. ; )

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