Today everyone is drinking. Since 4 pm the adults have been necking the beer. Now it’s 10.30pm, Mr Lily is drunk and boring, my 14 year old son has somehow managed to get drunk and is staggering around. J & K are not drunk , and are I think equally fed up with the drunkeness. I hate it.
Mr Lily tells me he is unhappy, feels left out and isolated; but he is unable to listen to me long enough to answer questions about how things might be different. He is also completely disinterested in my feelings about our relative estrangement. This is not all alcohol. He’s not the best listener / communicator when sober, but it’s 100% worse when he’s drunk.
i feel like a killjoy. A miserable sober old bag, the one being ‘sensible’, the one insisting on going home . But I’m bored and agitated sitting In a pub with my alcohol free beer, whilst the drunk ones get more tedious by the minute.
i don’t regret being sober. I don’t want to drink, I find it faintly ridiculous that adults spend so much money to get incapable, aggressive, insensitive and unpleasant. Why bother? I know I did the EVERY SINGLE DAY until 5 months (158 days) ago. Now I feel isolated in my sobriety whist the rest of my contempories, and most important, the person who is supposed to be my partner, drink to drunkeness.
i bought a painting today. And then I bought one for J and K . This made me happy – I have posted a picture of my painting g at the top of this post. To me it’s a happy picture, capturing the essence of this special place.
now I am wondering about the whole foundation of my new sober life. I know relationships change, and I know that I have changed a lot, and am still growing and learning stuff about myself. I can’t change anyone else, all I can change is myself. If I’m unhappy, only I can fix it …
and I am unhappy. Inside, how ever I coat it, however hard I try to ignore it , I am very unhappy. No good answers about how I will change it … But it’s sharply in focus now.