Help

Yesterday Mr Lily and I went our separate ways. I will now refer to him as exP, it feels , um, cleaner.

I don’t really want to get in to the whys and wherefores, as I wrote yesterday I feel it would invade his privacy. Perhaps it’s enough to say that ultimately this was a communication issue that we have been unable to resolve. It was / is a deal breaker for me, and hard though it is, I can see no alternative to separation. I believe this is the final break.

But today I’m all over the shop. I can’t stop crying. Son no 2 has gone away with some friends this morning and I’m ashamed to say I wept and wept, I have this need to hold those I love close to me at the moment – and I will miss him. Of course I still have son 3, Lola the dog and friends around me. J and K are aware, and very kind – they of course have more than enough to deal with right now.

So why am I so distraught? This has been coming for literally ages. I do not believe I could have done more to avert it. I suggest couples counselling months ago, exP was not interested.

  • i have lost my future. I hoped we would be together for ever.
  • i am a single parent again to two teenagers and an almost teenager. I’m scared I will not do well
  • i have failed, again, to maintain a relationship that was so so important to me
  • i have a demanding and consuming job, right now I can barely concentrate to make a cup of tea. I drove through a red light yesterday.
  • physically I feel appalling, I have diarrhoea, no appetite, headache and no energy at all
  • I have ripped the boys’ home apart again – no 3 does not remember when his  biological father was at home, ExP is the only father figure he remembers living with. He is sanguine for now – but I am feeling the strain
  • i thought he cared for me and I just do not understand why he could not have put himself out, done one thing, to try and save the relationship that he claimed meant so much. Perhaps it didn’t mean that much at all, and I was indeed just a convenience – that hurts worst of all.

im grieving and I’m in shock ; I sort of know this.

I have made some lists – now, short term, longer term.

I can’t eat, but I am drinking (fluids! Not alcohol)

today I have walked the dog and this is a good achievement. One day at a time. It will get better, and I will be ok.

To those of you (L and Mary) who specifically said that finding my blog has helped them get sober – that is such an enormous compliment- thank you from the bottom of my heart. There is a lot more to come I think! I do not think this split is because I am sober, the issues were already there. I do think being sober has given me the courage, strength and belief to accept that this can never make me content, so I will either be unhappy for ever, or I change it.

And to everyone else – just thank you for being there, keeping company , holding my hand. This feels much much much worse than when my marriage ended, but maybe I’m just feeling the reality rather than drinking it away ….

 

 

 

 

 


26 comments

  1. Lily I am so proud of you for making this difficult decision and staying sober. These things happen for a reason and although you will have to fight through a difficult time, I know you will be much happier in the end. Just take good care of yourself. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  2. There is so much I want to say but just know my heart aches with yours. I have been through similar and this is a rough road. I hope you can find peace with each other whether separate or together. That will be important, especially for your youngest. It stinks because you have to be so strong. As with drinking, don’t think about forever right now, try not to think of being alone…..oh I so remember that anxiety! Just focus, as tough as it is, on moving forward in whatever direction that takes you. Doing it sober is the right way and you should be so so very very proud of that. Focus on just the daily things and try to find some distractions. Blog whatever you want. As my friend once told me, you may now feel like you are on a roller coaster but at least there is an end as opposed to the merry go ’round you might have been on, never ending cycles of frustration. Regardless of how things ultimately progress, you will be changed, somehow, for the better. Hugs again!

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  3. My advice would be slow down the thinking. Take each day at a time. Even less if a day is too much. Just keep your thoughts to what you are doing now, and what you are doing next. Nothing more.

    One foot in front of the other.

    Your sons will be okay. In the long run and in the bigger picture a happy healthy sober mum is far far more desirable than seeing conflict and pain in their parents. There will be ups and downs but this would happen anyway. That’s children, teenagers, family life.

    I really am proud you’ve made this decision. Children weren’t involved with my relationship but my god I wish I’d got sober during it and left and saved myself so so much pain, and becoming a person I hated.

    Do you he will look at this blog? I think being able to speak honestly will help you – not sure if you can share with friends or family? Or if you want to email or text or anything. Us soberistas – one big family 😊 xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t know if he will look. He could, but there’s nothing here I have not said to him. You are right to suggest ‘slowing down’ the thinking – but I’m struggling to do that.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I know – it’s crazy how much effort it takes to calm our minds down. I am constantly telling myself (out loud) to ‘stop. Just stop’ or ‘sssssshhhh’ and occasionally start singing the smurfs theme tune…

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  4. I’m sorry. I have no advice but to take care of yourself physically. I hate breaking up- it’s one of the most horrible feelings in the world. And your blog helps me to stay sober so keep writing.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m so sorry Lily and have you in my heart. This echoes what happened to me. We are now civil and almost friends, but I bring up our daughter alone.

    Things have definitely worked out for the best and they will for you too. You will be content and happy, one day we may even find love.

    For now Lily, you are doing so well and you are far, far stronger than you think and you can do this xx

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  6. Oh Lily im so sorry to hear your sad news. You havent lost your future , and you havent failed. You are a wonderful courageous woman and I know you willget through this, your worth so much more than your exP, he doesn’t know how lucky he was to have you. Im so happy you never hit the drink well done and I hope you feel better each day.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I’m so sorry for you – sending you big hugs x

    You are my inspiration & I know his you feel with being a single parent and a broken (2nd) relationship.

    I split with my long term partner last year. He meant the world to me and he said I’ve saved his heart from a deceitful ex wife. But he never divorced. Despite knowing what it meant to me, and the control she had.

    I could no longer take anymore – I felt I was a “convenience” a good person, hard worker, nice home, natural mother to all.

    Some people give too much ~ whilst others take too much.

    I hope my story helps you xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m sorry for your grief and for your loss, but am so proud of you, that you were able to take this necessary (albeit painful) step in your journey. I’m certain the care, concern and love you show for your children will be felt and known by them… but do remember to take time for yourself to grieve and be kind to your heart. We are here for you, even if only in the smallest way ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  9. My heart goes out to you my dear Lily ❤️ I am proud of you for making such a huge decision and prouder still that you made it sober. Please take care of yourself, eat , exercise and a little bit of self love. You can do this.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Finding the strength to leave my husband, and knowing it was the right thing to do deep-down, was the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. It was also deeply necessary. Looking back, I could never have gotten where I am now — FINALLY in a loving relationship that has lasted seven years and is still going strong — without letting go of what felt like security. It was a little like being shoved out of the nest. What looked liked loss and despair turned out to be growth. I knew I deserved better and that I didn’t have to settle for less. This is what it feels like to know your worth, Lily. It’s scary. But it becomes exhilarating. Hang in there!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • That is an extremely helpful and pertinent post. Can I ask what made you decide to take the leap ,so to speak? And just roughly, how long to feel a bit better, as I’m day 4 and feel worse every day… Xxx lily 🌷

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  11. Thank you, Lily. It is so hard in the beginning. But it gets easier. ; ) I’ll try to describe some of the feelings I had that finally made me say “Enough.”
    I knew it was time to go when I hardly recognized the person I had become. I second-guessed myself on every decision. I was worn out, beaten down, and felt defeated. There was this kind of lightening moment when I realized that I would always feel this way if I stayed with my husband. Whatever happened to him growing up, or whatever his true feelings were, he dragged the whole household with him — when he was in a bad mood, everyone had to walk on eggshells. I was afraid of upsetting him because he could be loud and demeaning. I didn’t like the way he treated my son. I began to think it was better for my kids to not spend as much time with him or to be raised in such a volatile household. He wouldn’t go to a therapist because, I know now, he didn’t feel the need to work at the relationship. It was a passive/aggressive move to dare me to end it. I began to see more of his behavior as almost testing to see how far he could go. Only someone with the utmost lack of respect for someone else would do this. He had gradually worn me into some kind of victim, and I had never been one before. And he drank. More and more, and then he would be relaxed and happy for an hour or two. But then he began to explode. It was never physical, but it didn’t matter. I think he was taking on the role that his own father played, even though he vowed he never would.
    It broke my heart that I couldn’t have a marriage like my parents did. But it didn’t break his. I remember talking to a male coworker about the possible affects on my kids, and he said, “It doesn’t do them any good to see their mother being taken advantage of.” Once the decision was made, I never went back. Even when he made a half-hearted attempt at reconnecting.

    Single parenting was sometimes hard, but it was a whole lot more peaceful. And my kids and I became our own family. We are all very close today.

    I hope this helps, Lily. ; )

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  12. I didn’t answer your second question (and I apologize for the LONG post). I felt better the day I moved into my own apartment with the kids. It felt like Christmas to not worry about being the peacemaker for once.

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