Yesterday Mr Lily and I went our separate ways. I will now refer to him as exP, it feels , um, cleaner.
I don’t really want to get in to the whys and wherefores, as I wrote yesterday I feel it would invade his privacy. Perhaps it’s enough to say that ultimately this was a communication issue that we have been unable to resolve. It was / is a deal breaker for me, and hard though it is, I can see no alternative to separation. I believe this is the final break.
But today I’m all over the shop. I can’t stop crying. Son no 2 has gone away with some friends this morning and I’m ashamed to say I wept and wept, I have this need to hold those I love close to me at the moment – and I will miss him. Of course I still have son 3, Lola the dog and friends around me. J and K are aware, and very kind – they of course have more than enough to deal with right now.
So why am I so distraught? This has been coming for literally ages. I do not believe I could have done more to avert it. I suggest couples counselling months ago, exP was not interested.
- i have lost my future. I hoped we would be together for ever.
- i am a single parent again to two teenagers and an almost teenager. I’m scared I will not do well
- i have failed, again, to maintain a relationship that was so so important to me
- i have a demanding and consuming job, right now I can barely concentrate to make a cup of tea. I drove through a red light yesterday.
- physically I feel appalling, I have diarrhoea, no appetite, headache and no energy at all
- I have ripped the boys’ home apart again – no 3 does not remember when his biological father was at home, ExP is the only father figure he remembers living with. He is sanguine for now – but I am feeling the strain
- i thought he cared for me and I just do not understand why he could not have put himself out, done one thing, to try and save the relationship that he claimed meant so much. Perhaps it didn’t mean that much at all, and I was indeed just a convenience – that hurts worst of all.
im grieving and I’m in shock ; I sort of know this.
I have made some lists – now, short term, longer term.
I can’t eat, but I am drinking (fluids! Not alcohol)
today I have walked the dog and this is a good achievement. One day at a time. It will get better, and I will be ok.
To those of you (L and Mary) who specifically said that finding my blog has helped them get sober – that is such an enormous compliment- thank you from the bottom of my heart. There is a lot more to come I think! I do not think this split is because I am sober, the issues were already there. I do think being sober has given me the courage, strength and belief to accept that this can never make me content, so I will either be unhappy for ever, or I change it.
And to everyone else – just thank you for being there, keeping company , holding my hand. This feels much much much worse than when my marriage ended, but maybe I’m just feeling the reality rather than drinking it away ….