Another day

I’m still here, I’m still sober (although its hard not to drink right now, it’s oddly not the hardest thing) and I’m still alone.

all these things are good.

also good is that I went to see a showcase production yesterday by the group of young people (16 -17) that son No 1 has been away with for the last two weeks. The umbrella organisation is called National Citizens Service, and they provide 4 week long programmes for young people to help them gain confidence and teach them skills such as teamworking, confidence and project delivery.

it was hard for me to go yesterday as I was very tearful, but I’m so glad I did. Not just to support son 1, but because the whole thing was inspirational. The young people were amazing; self assured and modest, creative, supportive of each other,  and all had achieved so much. At the end, one of the leaders came to find me, and said that my son was outstanding , that he had been resourceful, supportive, enthusiastic and very kind. He, my son, looked fantastic – happy, bright eyed, part of a team. After years of ExP telling me daily what a loser he is, well – it was wonderful.

My son has also met a young woman there. She is bright, articulate and enthusiastic. They are planning to meet again when the projects are over. This means that his previous unambitious, manipulative, sulky, girlfriend is an ex. I’m happy about this too. 😈😈😈

beyond that, and that was a big big plus. I’m not great. Very tearful, very distracted, very sad. It helps that I have support from my brother, my sister in law and  my friends. I can’t eat, I ache all over, I can’t concentrate and I’ve started to be plagued by the “did I do the right thing” questions.

I KNOW in my head that I have done. I know nothing will change and I have been unhappy for a long time. I know we were not a true partnership , and I know I, and my boys, deserve better.

But I did love him. I probably still do love him. But I can’t live as we were. And he has proved time and time again that he does not consider my unhappiness as good enough reason to change, to talk to me, to consider doing anything differently.

I have recognised that I cannot work in my current state. I have told my practice manager I can’t come in next week (and why) I need some time. The week after that I am on holiday anyway.

i will go to my GP early this week. I need help, and I know she will be kind. I also need a therapist. Pretty urgently now, I need some professional help to support me.

I have decided to limit contact with exP. as far as possible I will not email, text, etc. And I will certainly not see him. I need space.

I will tell people. Actually most people want to help, and they can’t help – even by just being kind, if they don’t know that I’m struggling.

Today I will walk Lola, I need to get some food in, at least for son 3. ExP,s stuff is all over the house. I need to start ‘containing it’ because it reminds me of what I have lost. I might ask for help doing this.

I will go to yoga. I may cry all the way through, but I will go. I think I will feel better after, and I will have a sauna as well.

Thats it. Nothing more taxing.

Thank you for your lovely messages. I will respond, but it may take me a day or two. Please believe me when I say that I do really apprechiate each and every one, and the time you have taken to respond to an Internet blogger who is struggling.

at least I don’t have a hangover.


19 comments

  1. I am sorry you are going through this Lily, it’s very difficult losing somebody you love but just because you love somebody, doesn’t mean being with them is best for you. It’s a huge life change, look after yourself, let the grieving process happen. In time you will feel like a huge weight has been lifter from your shoulders. Take care xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think, in time, I will feel better. But now I feel atrocious. Like very very early sobriety. Raw, in pain, poor concentration. I need time, I know, and it will be ok. Lily 🌷

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  2. So sorry you are going through this, good you are able to take some time for yourself. You will get through this – you have made incredibly difficult decisions for the best of reasons. You most certainly do have a future, albeit not the one you had previously envisaged. And please don’t think you have “failed”. On the contrary, you have shown great strength and courage.

    I’m delighted to hear about your son. Isn’t it wonderful to see him doing something he is enthusiastic about, which gives him a feeling of being valued and appreciated? It will have done wonders for his self-esteem.

    Hugs xx

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  3. Splitting from my ex of 12 years was frightening and heartbreaking at the time but now I look back and realise how heavily he ended up weighing down my life and spirit, in hindsight I came to see that as a totally positive life event. Life is too precious to spend it unhappy with the wrong person or drowning in booze. Be gentle with yourself in the coming days, sending you hugs and strength x

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      • I guess it’s a grieving process we have to go through when we split up with somebody significant enough to have become fully entwined in our lives. How long? is one of the hardest and commonest questions that we rarely find the answer to. How many of your patients have asked you how long have I got? How long until I feel better? etc. I think focusing on the present is the best antidote I’ve found, always coming back to here and now and the next good and right thing you can do for yourself, your kids and your sobriety. I have to admit though, about 4 months after my 12 year split I went away to teach English and had a fling with a young Italian guy which was probably not the most sensible or constructive option but it definitely drew a line under the split! Take care, hugs x

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  4. I know what a scary and uncertain time this is for you. You are doing amazing things to get through it and in spite of how shaky you feel things are you are doing the right, grounded and healthy things in trying to cope with the situation. And you are doing them amazingly well. In spite of everything and all of your fears and insecurities right now, what stands out to me is your inner strength and integrity.It takes courage not only to end a relationship but to ask for help. It takes courage to go on in as healthy a way as possible and not try to medicate the pain away with alcohol. Things will get better. There’s something to the one day at a time thing. And you’ve got 3 lovely children and as you quoted above, you’re breathing.
    Xxx

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    • I won’t drink. Not now, I’m confident of that. I’m not as good at ‘no contact’ as I should be. I swing between extreme anger and uncontrollable crying, in waves of as short as 30 minutes. I can’t concentrate, I’m extremely anxious which is a big sign of “less great” mental health for me. I cannot eat, but am drinking plenty. Lots of ‘Kalms’ tablets being swallowed … One day at a time . Thank god we don’t have children together.

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      • I also went through a hard divorce. And, I suffered panic attacks. I had a great therapist and friends that got me through it. In hindsight, it was one of the best things I could have done and a whole new world opened up for me afterwards. It also showed me that I was much stronger than I had given myself credit for. I had put it off for as long as I could and then one day, that was it. I was done. It was painful and hard. But I was so glad that I did it when I did, because having it behind me and being able to move on with my life wasn’t delayed any longer. I think that is how you will feel down the line. You have set yourself up with great support and while it may not feel like it now, you are a great example to people everywhere trying to break free of a dysfunctional relationship-either with a partner, alcohol, a job-
        Bowing to you with love!

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  5. I echo all of the above. You have the right focus. Letting go of someone you love but who was toxic to you is one of the hardest things I think we can do. Giving yourself space to evaluate everything is important. It warmed my heart to hear about your oldest son. How wonderful for you to see that light in his eyes!

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    • Mary, you are so kind. I am a physical and emotional wreck, literally putting one foot down in front of the other. As far as I can see the only think I am doing well is NOT drinking ! But thank you xxx 🌷

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