I’m still here, I’m still sober (although its hard not to drink right now, it’s oddly not the hardest thing) and I’m still alone.
all these things are good.
also good is that I went to see a showcase production yesterday by the group of young people (16 -17) that son No 1 has been away with for the last two weeks. The umbrella organisation is called National Citizens Service, and they provide 4 week long programmes for young people to help them gain confidence and teach them skills such as teamworking, confidence and project delivery.
it was hard for me to go yesterday as I was very tearful, but I’m so glad I did. Not just to support son 1, but because the whole thing was inspirational. The young people were amazing; self assured and modest, creative, supportive of each other, and all had achieved so much. At the end, one of the leaders came to find me, and said that my son was outstanding , that he had been resourceful, supportive, enthusiastic and very kind. He, my son, looked fantastic – happy, bright eyed, part of a team. After years of ExP telling me daily what a loser he is, well – it was wonderful.
My son has also met a young woman there. She is bright, articulate and enthusiastic. They are planning to meet again when the projects are over. This means that his previous unambitious, manipulative, sulky, girlfriend is an ex. I’m happy about this too. 😈😈😈
beyond that, and that was a big big plus. I’m not great. Very tearful, very distracted, very sad. It helps that I have support from my brother, my sister in law and my friends. I can’t eat, I ache all over, I can’t concentrate and I’ve started to be plagued by the “did I do the right thing” questions.
I KNOW in my head that I have done. I know nothing will change and I have been unhappy for a long time. I know we were not a true partnership , and I know I, and my boys, deserve better.
But I did love him. I probably still do love him. But I can’t live as we were. And he has proved time and time again that he does not consider my unhappiness as good enough reason to change, to talk to me, to consider doing anything differently.
I have recognised that I cannot work in my current state. I have told my practice manager I can’t come in next week (and why) I need some time. The week after that I am on holiday anyway.
i will go to my GP early this week. I need help, and I know she will be kind. I also need a therapist. Pretty urgently now, I need some professional help to support me.
I have decided to limit contact with exP. as far as possible I will not email, text, etc. And I will certainly not see him. I need space.
I will tell people. Actually most people want to help, and they can’t help – even by just being kind, if they don’t know that I’m struggling.
Today I will walk Lola, I need to get some food in, at least for son 3. ExP,s stuff is all over the house. I need to start ‘containing it’ because it reminds me of what I have lost. I might ask for help doing this.
I will go to yoga. I may cry all the way through, but I will go. I think I will feel better after, and I will have a sauna as well.
Thats it. Nothing more taxing.
Thank you for your lovely messages. I will respond, but it may take me a day or two. Please believe me when I say that I do really apprechiate each and every one, and the time you have taken to respond to an Internet blogger who is struggling.
at least I don’t have a hangover.