And so it begins.

a mutual friend , who has been talking to my ExP, asks if there is anything left to talk about, any negotiations, any point in talking. And what would be my condition of this?

i want to say no.

I want to say yes.

in the end I say I don’t know.

Reflection is impossible to avoid, although I am trying hard to do this. I am clear that I am extremely angry with exP. there are some things I think I will find impossible to forgive. If i even wanted to try .

If I do not try, will I regret it?

i have said that I will neither see nor speak to him alone – that the only circumstance under which I would consider ‘talking’ would be in a safe space, with a neutral, professional third party.

Im not sure I can be bothered. There is so so much that would need to change . And a fundamental change of attitude that meant I was listened to, my needs considered as equally important.

And i can’t  help feeling that this “offer” comes too late in the day, under duress and with no genuine desire to do anything differently. Just a lip service, a token effort to shut me up, and put me back in my “box”.

Right now, I’m distressed, consumed with anxiety, rumination and unable to be distracted – even by my favourite yoga class. But I think this will pass, and I shouldn’t try to ‘fix it’, because it’s normal.

I certainly shouldn’t allow myself to be bamboozled by more bloody meaningless words and promises of change. So I should wait for actions, deliverables ….

There isn’t really a hurry. So I think “I don’t know” was probably good enough for now, and time will tell what comes next.

To bed, for another sleepless night made worse by the bloody menopausal hot flushes that have seen fit to recur at this time. Gentian and valerian tabs not really cutting it right now.



  1. Lily ~ where is Bianca??
    Today I’ve had a bad day.
    My son is away with my parents & 4 of my close friends are away with their friends / families.

    I feel so alone😫

    However after a mammoth clean & fusion plump (my cleaner is going to be out of a job) I decided to get my bike out!!
    O live in leafy Surrey and one of my favourite places to cycle is Richmond park BUT I couldn’t be bothered to get the bike rack out and do the 30 min A3 drive so I went local and cycle fed to Box Hill – it’s wonderful, breath of fresh air – I’m feeling so alone with everyone away – but so many people just chit chatter to me it was so nice and made me feel good.

    I think you & Bianca should go out – you get talking ( if today doesn’t work, borrow my dog!!!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s nice. And good. I’m
      A bit afraid of riding with the shoe clips – so I went to the gym yesterday and practiced on the watt bike – may try in real
      Life today – slowly !! Thank you – I hope you feel better too, you are not alone , even if everyone is away- you are in their thoughts , and loved . Xxx 🌷


  2. Sounds like you are listening to your gut instinct/s and stick with this.
    If, IF you decide you want to speak with him (and to me the fact you’ve already decided it would only be with Third party means that this is not a cause worth fighting for) there is no rush.

    I know nothing of him and your situation, so I’m not saying he is like this, but women (and men) still love and miss those that have been incredibly violent and abusive emotionally and mentally – so feeling feelings of loss and uncertainty and confusion is normal, but it doesn’t mean trying to resolve things, or come to some sort of compromise is the right thing to do. And definitely not one that needs to be rushed.

    My ex fiancé and I split, then got back together. I didn’t want to deep down but was too scared and confused. When we finally split, people would try and be positive ‘at least you have no regrets or what ifs.’ I don’t believe this. I’ve accepted what happened but I 100% wish id stayed away when I walked away the first time.

    As I said, I don’t know what’s happened or how he is, and I’m not at all telling you what to do, but just don’t make any decision based on feelings when you will be in such a confused state. Just look after you and your boys, and take each next thing as it comes. Keep writing. Keep going to (and crying if necessary – I’ve done it) yoga… Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • He’s not violent, but I am afraid of his temper. He gets angry quickly, and angry when I raise the issues he does not want to discuss. He has thrown things, not AT me, but it frightens me.

      My kids are scared of his temper.

      If I’m honest, and this is painful, we all walk on eggshells (SOMETIMES) not always , just sometimes. And it’s unpredictable .

      And my sobriety has brought clarity about how unacceptable I find this.

      And this is not the only problem.

      There is another. As big. And as unmanageable .

      I need a therapist to work out why my self esteem is so low I have accepted this crap.

      Lily 🌷


      • I know that all too well. I still have some spaghetti sauce marks on a painting from four years ago when a pan was thrown. You can’t see them unless you are looking for them but they are they. The same canvas has knife marks. None ever aimed at me – but emotional abuse and that anger and aggression is just as bad and scary.
        I lived my life walking on eggshells and even though I knew it a little (telling him I was scared of him and being shouted out for it) I had no idea until months later how it was all the time.
        Again – not saying we have the same story at all, but just how much I feel for you and can relate.

        So brave Lily. And strong. That last sentence of acknowledgement that is crap that you should not put up with. That’s huge. Xxx


  3. The telling part is you are wondering if you would be able to forgive. In order to go forward together again you would have to forgive. I have heard forgiveness defined as “conscious forgetting” meaning of course the issue is there, the past can’t be rewritten….but to move forward with him you absolutely would have to be willing to put the past aside and not bring it up everytime you get upset. Some things are too tough to forgive, too much to take on to try and forget. I tried to move past things for six years with my ex. I never could do it and my not being able to forgive/forget led to history repeating itself. It was a huge relief to just finally move on. I have friends who successfully forgave and their relationships were salvaged. Only you know whether you can truly forgive.

    Liked by 1 person

    • There are two huge deal breakers for me. And at least one other issue I could compromise on, if we could discuss it. But we don’t. He shouts when I try to raise anything he doesn’t want to talk about. So ultimately, it’s about communication, and equal respect for each other’s feelings. But the deal breakers remain as deal breakers. And I don’t believe this will change.
      I can forgive a lot (it’s not infidelity) but only if I am heard and issues are discussed. I cannot any longer just ‘forget’ and move on, brushing stuff under the carpet. Lily🌷xx


      • Sounds like the ball is in his court. Team isnt played with an “I”. It’s good you are establishing your boundaries and rules. You already sound willing to compromise where you need to but he either needs to step up to the plate…..or not. Good for you!!@


  4. Even though I have been married a long time, 32 years next month, I have a lot of single parent friends. It isn’t an easy life but at the same time living in a painful marriage isn’t easy either. My own parents divorced just before their 40th wedding anniversary, they fought hard to keep the marriage alive but it had died a long time before. They are both happier and dare I say, nicer people now. Some people just bring out the worst in us. Some bring out the best xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • There are two huge deal breakers in here. We can’t discuss either. I’ve only been here this long because I have hoped, against hope, that things would change. Now I have run out of hope. 😟🌷


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