And so it begins.
a mutual friend , who has been talking to my ExP, asks if there is anything left to talk about, any negotiations, any point in talking. And what would be my condition of this?
i want to say no.
I want to say yes.
in the end I say I don’t know.
Reflection is impossible to avoid, although I am trying hard to do this. I am clear that I am extremely angry with exP. there are some things I think I will find impossible to forgive. If i even wanted to try .
If I do not try, will I regret it?
i have said that I will neither see nor speak to him alone – that the only circumstance under which I would consider ‘talking’ would be in a safe space, with a neutral, professional third party.
Im not sure I can be bothered. There is so so much that would need to change . And a fundamental change of attitude that meant I was listened to, my needs considered as equally important.
And i can’t help feeling that this “offer” comes too late in the day, under duress and with no genuine desire to do anything differently. Just a lip service, a token effort to shut me up, and put me back in my “box”.
Right now, I’m distressed, consumed with anxiety, rumination and unable to be distracted – even by my favourite yoga class. But I think this will pass, and I shouldn’t try to ‘fix it’, because it’s normal.
I certainly shouldn’t allow myself to be bamboozled by more bloody meaningless words and promises of change. So I should wait for actions, deliverables ….
There isn’t really a hurry. So I think “I don’t know” was probably good enough for now, and time will tell what comes next.
To bed, for another sleepless night made worse by the bloody menopausal hot flushes that have seen fit to recur at this time. Gentian and valerian tabs not really cutting it right now.