I have posted before about my difficulty connecting with my “feelings”. Sometimes I don’t know what I feel – I mean really Don’t know what I feel.
other times, like now I DO know, but I don’t trust it.
This morning I Feel better, I feel calmer, I feel less anxious, I feel that my future will be better without him.
But I feel guilty for thinking that, and I can’t help feeling ( or is it thinking) that I am somehow wrong.
He (exP) tells me that he misses me, but if I examine my feelings minutely , I don’t miss him. Last night me and sons 1 and 3 sat in our front room after I had made the boys’ dinner. We watched the “jungle book”, the new adaptation. Son #3 and I cuddled up on the sofa , and son 1 kept 1/2 ( or perhaps 3/4) of an eye on his phone. Lola snoozed on her bed. I drank a couple of Becks blue lemon, and donated one to son 1 (in the absence of any ‘proper’ alcohol he seemed happy enough with it)
An unremarkable, I dare say boring, family evening. But. For us it was pretty special. No one yelling at the kids to get their feet off he sofa (he exp- lay with his feet on the sofa ALL THE TIME) no bad atmosphere because the kids were ‘in adult space’ ; no brooding presence because we were watching something he didn’t want to, NO TENSION. bliss.
I was thinking about the end of my marriage. I struggled for a long time trying to MAKE exH see that smoking pot all day in front of kids who were then 8,5 and 2 was a bad role model, unsafe, made him paranoid and very scary. To me it was SO obvious, why couldn’t I make him understand it? The break point came when he took son#1 to a gig in London one evening. Son 1 was 11 years old. My ExH got so paralytically drunk / drugged, that he was asked to leave the club. He was in no state to get home, so son #1had to work out how to get a paralytically drunk man home from central London. In the days before he had a mobile, with only his wits to help him. That was enough. It was as though he (exH) had to do something SO awful that no one could put up with it, before I was “allowed” to call it a day.
But it took me several weeks to work out that it didn’t really matter if HE (exH) thought his behaviour was acceptable. I DID NOT, and that my feelings and beliefs were just as Viable and valuable and important as his. And I could not MAKE him understand me because he DID NOT WANT TO CHANGE. Oh, and that I did not need his agreement to divorce him.
Fast forward to now. The reasons that my relationship with my exP (formally known as Mr Lily although we are not married) is over are MY reasons. They are deal breakers FOR ME. And he will never agree, he will never think I’m being reasonable. But I Do. And that IS good enough. He will not agree, he will not understand. That will not happen. And I will wait forever for the day that he says ” yes, you are right, I have behaved unreasonably ”
I am afraid, that he will undermine me if I see him. That he will convince me again that I am WRONG. that it’s ridiculous, stupid, blinkered , that I don’t know what I Feel. And that what I feel is stupid.
I need to think about this. Why should I believe his version of My reality? Why do I do that? Is he coercive? Emotionally abusive? Just outspoken? Harsh, cruel. I don’t know. Or is the “fault” mine, that I have not stood up for myself ( or the boys) enough, not argued each little point that I disagreed with, allowed him leeway, which he took as tacit agreement – that I agreed with him. Am in fact as wrong as he says I am?
Why have I ignored my “feelings”, no , my deepest instinct telling me, SCREAMING AT ME THAT THIS IS NOT OK, for such a long time? Why have I not raised this issues In a take it or leave it way? I have been questioning the future of this relationship for 3 years.
What is wrong with me?
And WHY am I still not 100% sure it’s done. Because it should be. And not one person, even HIS friends, who have seen inside this house what goes on, have said that I should consider ‘the other side’; not one.