Day 167 sober.
One hundred and sixty seven days. With NO alcohol. I’ve survived the breakdown of my relationship, enjoyed a sober holiday, been on lots of nights out, hosted and attended lunch and dinner parties. And I have not drunk alcohol.
I would have drunk, conservatively, 192 bottles of wine in this period. That would have cost me (again conservatively) £1530. I’m broke now, but hey, less broke than I would have been.
For anyone reading who is in the early days, struggling, relapsed, or simply does not beleive they can do this… YOU CAN. You really really can. Slowly, one day at a time. Carefully, with due respect for your triggers and prioritising your sobriety . YOU CAN . I don’t think about it that much now, at least compared to the early days. Maybe twice a day I remember that I am sober, maybe once a week I wonder, briefly, if I could / should drink.
This week I told my brother and my mother that I have been sober for almost 6 months. My brother never judges (he has always had an off switch) and was pleased for me. My mother was clearly astonished, but in the bigger crisis of the moment, let it pass without the usual reminders of exactly how shit my drinking had made her feel. Phew !
And, Day 6. Day 6 since breaking what I had hoped would be a lifelong partnership. This is early days again. Raw, exposed, painful. Confused, distressing, discombobulating. ( I love that word, although I do not think its a REAL word) and the last 6 days have been HARD.
i expected that, and I expect it to continue for a while.
But, there is a light, and not a tiny light either , at the end of the tunnel. I feel lighter, calmer, less anxious. My children are undoubtedly happier. There are problems and troubles; some practical, some emotional, to come. I will manage.
When I think about the worst possible things that could happen now that ExP is not here, not one seems as impossible to manage / negotiate as the deal breakers in our relationship that I have been wrestling with (alone) for the last few years.
One day at a time. Just like sobriety. Plan, respect yourself, take care of yourself, be aware of triggers, don’t look at forever. Just be kind to yourself and keep on going.
i can do this too.
( the photo is sunrise over Tresco, it’s not my image so I use it with thanks to the photographer)