Asking for support

I’m reaching out today. I feel extremely vulnerable today.

i am very very aware that my ExP has ‘talked me round’ from this position (when I have said our relationship is untenable) previously. It’s now a week since I locked him out. Since the proverbial “camels back” snapped over something that was, in itself quite trivial.

the deal breakers underlying, are anything but trivial.

always previously, he has talked me round. Persuaded me that what I feel is wrong. That his reasoning is correct. Sometimes, he will promise that things will be different, of course they never are.

I am afraid this time is coming. I am afraid that once he thinks I have ‘calmed down’ , the charm offensive will start. And I will struggle to resist him. Despite the fact that I know, I know, this relationship cannot work. I don’t know why I think he will be able to erode my resolve, but I do. I have such shit self esteem that I struggle to trust myself at all.

I have said I will not see him alone. I can’t. But even in my own head the doubts are creeping in.

I saw my therapist this morning, and we talked about exactly this. He has no POWER really, it’s all in my head.

I can do this. I stopped drinking, I can end a relationship which is making me unhappy.

So why am I so scared?


10 comments

  1. Finding trust in ourselves is a complicated thing.
    I know I seriously eroded mine when I drank…swearing I wouldn’t and then getting drunk…compulsion is scary.

    Write a list of pros and cons. Step back and look objectively.
    Are there pros for you? Are they just a way to avoid fear?

    Try to be honest, even if you feel you are being harsh. Your opinion is worthy and deserving of respect.

    You are a smart, bright, person. Believe it. You deserve happiness and peace.

    Anne

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  2. Hi Lily,
    These times are the hardest for sure. For me, my doubts always made me very nostalgic for “how things were” and made me vulnerable to an ex’s promise to change. I usually ended up giving in, and while things were good at first, they eventually slid back down to how they were when I was so fed up and wanting to end the relationship in the first place.
    Kind of like drinking – it’s easy to romanticize and let ourselves believe that we’re no better off without it, even though we know logically that’s the further thing from the truth. The further we distance ourselves, the more clear it becomes how much better life is without it, and how refusing to drink will always be the right choice, no matter what.
    Even if you feel vulnerable and raw, your therapist is right – ExP has no power over you. Only you do. You’re amazing person who has chosen to live a sober life, who loves her children and wants the best for them, and who knows deep down what the right thing to do is.
    I hope you find what strength you need from within yourself to withstand whatever doubt you’re feeling now. You’re worth it ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, I KNOW that he will not change.mhis habits are too ingrained. I do not want to discuss the second of the deal breakers , as I don’t feel it’s fair. The first relates to poor relations with my children , esp #1 – but also will never change. The second, I promise is ENTIRELY reasonable. Anyway. I agree, it’s easy to romanticise the good points, because of course he has many. And I loved him so much. Just so much. He still makes me feel weak at the knees. I’ be always been so proud to go places with him, but the fact remains I have been terribly terribly unhappy, and this can never change. Thanks for your support, it is so valued . lily 🌷X

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  3. I don’t know if this will be helpful or not but when dealing with issues with my ex, one of things that I did was establish boundaries and rules that were black and white and took some of the emotional response out of my control. So, instead of getting into a discussion with him about whether his thinking was right or wrong, or I was right or wrong, I simply said, “you might be right, but in order to move forward, you must go to therapy with me and we will explore it further.” It let him save face, took the argument away from the issue and I wasn’t in the position of saying “no, no, no”. If you do this and he never goes to therapy, then it’s beyond your control and you move on. Or perhaps there are other things you can make black and white. Some of your deal-breakers you mentioned. You said infidelity isn’t an issue so maybe take the things that are and craft them into set results you would need to enter back into a relationship. In other words, you take away the “do I love him, do I not” as the crux and you manage the whole situation by results instead. So, if certain things are met, then great. If not, it’s beyond your control. If you aren’t sure if your “deal-breakers” are legitimate, then discussing them, with him, in front of a therapist my help assess that. Anyway, that’s how my mind works.

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  4. It sometimes seems easier to stick with the unsatisfactory known than face the new unknown alone. This made me think of my ex, no matter what happened he would NEVER be the one in the wrong, NEVER have made a mistake, NEVER be behaving unreasonably etc. After the split my long term friends all said ‘Yayyy, you’re back!’. Newer friends who’d only known me with him told me I was so much lighter and happier after. All that being said, I managed to let him talk me into believing it WAS all me that was weak and wrong. A while ago I read an article about narcissistic personality disorder and it really rang familiar alarm bells. I lost my sense of self, strength, independence and any chance of uncovering the deeper me while I was with him. There were many good things about him but the bad things just tipped the balance way too far in the end. Try to look objectively rather than from fear and vulnerability. I know it’s very hard but I believe you can do it. Hugs x

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  5. Trying to stop drinking while a relationship ends has got to be one of the most difficult things in the world. Gawd knows I’m no expert, but make sure you stay close to people you trust that will discourage you from drinking, with care.

    And feelings are never wrong, they just are.

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  6. Just keep rereading the line in your blog post 6 days and 167 days – ‘my children are undoubtedly happier’ one main and massively important reason to stick with your decision x

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  7. Im absolutely no expert however i cannot help notice the similarities with quitting drinking here.
    We tend to only remember the good times we had while drinking.
    We always think after a period of abstaining, it will be different next time.
    We go years not wanting to give it up eventhough we know it has become bad for us.
    It’s only after we have hit ‘our’ bottom that we see giving it up as our only healthy option.
    We all mourn our relationship with alcohol, it is a difficult journey but we are all happier in the end.
    Stay strong and reach out whenever you need us. X

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