Relapse

Not alcohol, don’t panic. !

Today I saw exP. I had several reasons for doing so. One was that he has seemed to me to still be in denial about the current state of affairs; he says he doesn’t understand why I had called time on our relationship; I feel more stable and able to manage. I have to be able to regain some kind or normality soon – I can’t stay off work forever, and I need to regain some equilibrium.

Of course he was contrite. Of course he was nice. Of course he was sorry. Of course he agreed that I had valid points. Of course he apologised for behaviour that he agreed had been unacceptable. We conducted an adult and respectful conversation for 90 minutes or so.

Why on earth does it have to take this much disruption, me locking him out, ending a relationship of 6 years, splitting a family, disrupting my life; why can’t he listen to me before I have to go ballistic?

I Feel I have backtracked, I saw him, alone. To some extent his remorse has touched me. He reminded me, of course, of the man I fell in love with. I’m no longer so angry . I’m no closer to removing his stuff from my house.

On the other hand he is not here. I made it clear he cannot live here. I clearly restated my deal breakers and my fundamental belief that the main problem is our inability to communicate in an adult way. That he is inherantly a critical person, and I have low self esteem, which doesn’t exactly make things easy.

i should feel better. I don’t really. I feel weak. I feel I have let people down . I feel ashamed of myself again. Although I suppose as long as I keep him away from my kids, that’s the main point.

in short. I should feel better, I do in a way. But I think it’s false security. I don’t trust him, but I don’t trust myself either. I feel I’ve exposed myself again. Made myself vulnerable. Allowed him to see my weakness. Given him a way to start getting back in.( or at least given him a reason to think he might) Ā Not made the clean break I had intended.

depressed, flat and sad tonight. At least I’m sober.

Sorry. Giving up him seems harder than giving up alcohol although I’m not sure he’s any better for me ….

 

 

 

 

 


7 comments

  1. Breaking up is hard to do for sure. I’m sorry you feel ashamed but you should not. You are very strong and are just working through a tough situation. Don’t beat yourself up too hard. I wrote a long post the other day that totally vanished…I think. Anyway, my shorter version is sometimes it’s easier to manage by results. Maybe come up with concrete measurables (if you will take him back) that he has to live up to. Not saying these are yours but something like 1) therapy once a week 2) a certain agreed upon action if you conflict 3) a point system for every demeaning comment he makes , blah blah. There may or may not be ones you can add to the equation for yourself. Take it away from “your” decision on whether he comes back and make him responsible for it. Or, if you don’t really want him back, know deep down it can’t work, then you have to draw the hard line and give him up like you did alcohol. Big hug either direction!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I think it took a lot of bravery to meet with him and guess what? You are still sober and you are fine. Meeting with him does not mean getting back together with him. I am reading a book called Radical Acceptance. It is all about internal self talk and how hard we are on ourselves. It is available on Amazon if you are interested. I highly recommend. Big hugs.

    Liked by 2 people


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