this is hard.
its the loss of the future that’s hard as well as the “missing him”. I do miss him, but I don’t miss the tension in the house, and I don’t miss the anxiety, stress and frustration.
But I am getting better, my concentration has improved, my capacity to do things has increased and I am adjusting.
im not drinking. I have no interest in drinking and despite the stress I’m feeling I don’t even particularly want to ‘escape’ from it.
I want to understand .
i want to know why this has all gone so wrong.
its hard to explain how much I loved this man. I just adored him. Maybe that was the problem from the beginning. Maybe l loved him so much I gave everything, allowed everything, committed everything before I saw what was really going on.
the boys are I are rather confused at the moment. Slightly directionless. I’m both anxious about the future and too busy worrying about now to care. I’m seeking solitude but then don’t know what to do with myself. I want to exercise but feel weak because I can’t eat. I feel like I need closure, but don’t now what closure looks like, or feels like. He now wants to go to couples counselling. I both want to, and don’t want to. I can’t see the point and yet I want to make my points and have them acknowledged. But I know that they won’t be. He might listen ( in the presence of a third party) but I doubt he will HEAR.
IM SO ANGRY, and then again I’m totally apathetic.
Im also bored, but I have a hundred things to do.
Basically I have no stability, no structure, no certainty, I’m lurching from one day / hour to the next. I hate this.
But im lighter than I was . I can see this, feel this , know this.