Day 13 of singledom

this is hard.

its the loss of the future that’s hard as well as the “missing him”. I do miss him, but I don’t miss the tension in the house, and I don’t miss the anxiety, stress and frustration.

But I am getting better, my concentration has improved, my capacity to do things has increased and I am adjusting.

im not drinking. I have no interest in drinking and despite the stress I’m feeling I don’t even particularly want to ‘escape’ from it.

I want to understand .

i want to know why this has all gone so wrong.

its hard to explain how much I loved this man. I just adored him. Maybe that was the problem from the beginning. Maybe l loved him so much I gave everything, allowed everything, committed everything before I saw what was really going on.

the boys are I are rather confused at the moment. Slightly directionless. I’m both anxious about the future and too busy worrying about now to care. I’m seeking solitude but then don’t know what to do with myself. I want to exercise but feel weak because I can’t eat. I feel like I need closure, but don’t now what closure looks like, or feels like. He now wants to go to couples counselling. I both want to, and don’t want to. I can’t see the point and yet I want to make my points and have them acknowledged. But I know that they won’t be. He might listen ( in the presence of a third party) but I doubt he will HEAR.

IM SO ANGRY, and then again I’m totally apathetic.

Im also bored, but I have a hundred things to do.

Basically I have no stability, no structure, no certainty, I’m lurching from one day / hour to the next. I hate this.

But im lighter than I was . I can see this, feel this , know this.

 


3 comments

  1. I got a great piece of advice from a counselor: The why’s don’t matter. She was saying that it doesn’t matter why somebody didn’t do the right thing or why he was less than a partner should be. She meant look at reality, accept it, and move on. Don’t look for explanations because the why’s don’t matter.

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  2. This is of course correct. And I will need to stop looking for “whys” – I still need to a bit, because I need to understand / learn where my own boundaries should be / should have been. One step at a time.

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  3. I remember those days of grieving the loss of the future….the loss of the illusion of the marriage I thought I had. The loss of raising my child with his father. It’s hard to separate out those feelings from what is best. I also worried that maybe I wasn’t right to be upset? I started blaming myself. Therapy at least helps put closure to things if you want that. It helped me see the situation for what it was and where I was and was not accountable for my part in the whole thing. Even with him. Doing therapy doesn’t mean YOU have to take him back. It may help, may not. Sorry I’m wishy-washy about it. I know that I would have done things different in my first marriage if I had to do it all over again….but I never would have gotten to this point of knowledge if my situation hadn’t changed and there is way too much water under the bridge to ever go back to that. Such a viscous cycle sometimes…..

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