I like this image, it reminds me that it’s the key stone – in the middle – that holds up a strong arch. Sometimes the arch, or bridge is strong enough it walk on, once the key stone is in place,
thats what therapy is about for me, finding that keystone – of believing in it, trusting in it, maybe learning to walk on it ?
I know people have been advising me for some time (on this blog) to go for therapy, and many people have recounted how significant the process has been for them in their sobriety. Can you understand if I say I was a bit reluctant because I knew, deep down, that the casualty of my being honest in a therapeutic relationship was likely to be my partnership with (ex) Mr Lily. I honestly did not expect that just by getting sober, everything would change as it has, but on reflection, the clarity that comes with ongoing sobriety has forced me to face the problems that’s have always been there….
I feel sad, but I also feel I have done everything I possibly could to hold this together. Probably more than I should have done, certainly more than I would expect anyone else to have done. If I have reached the “end of the road” , it’s not because I haven’t tried. I don’t feel I have to reproach myself.
So now that I have started therapy, I think (hope) this process of self realisation and examination will prevent me from repeating mistakes I have made in my personal life over and over again. I also now understand why some therapists don’t like to work with people who drink too much / take drugs. It’s because, when intoxicated so often, with the best intentions you can’t be in touch with your real feelings …
So .. Do you know what? I’m ok. I thought I would crumble, collapse and become totally incapable. I haven’t . Slowly I’m getting stuff done. I’m not crying all day. I’m connecting with MY anger about HIS failings rather than just blaming myself ( and before you go all judgy on me – I know all relationships take two to work and two to fail. But it’s not ALL my fault. And I alone could not have made it work. So I don’t actually have to shoulder ALL the guilt.
I like the lady who is my therapist. She ticks the boxes I had “pre set” but she’s also kind, and human; she helps me see “answers” for myself, but she also answers my questions … Do you think it matters if you ‘like’ your therapist ? I know it matters to me that in’like’ my own GP – in so far as the therapeutic relationship goes … ?
Full of questions. Ironically feeling guilty that I’m not MORE upset at the loss of exP. maybe the onslaught will come, or maybe I just tried so hard for so long to no avail that I’ve just run out of emotion. ….