I’m sad. I was expecting it. I think it’s normal, but today I am heartbreakingly sad.
i have lost the man I believed I would be with forever. The fact that he has done things that I cannot accept which led me to this place doesn’t really help right now.
Im 51. I’m a sober boozer. I’ve got three teenage sons and a bouncy dog. I have failed again to maintain a relationship that was really important to me. Whether that’s because I’m a shit person, or choose the wrong people, or have been let down, or should be more tolerant, or expect too much, or am impossible, I don’t know. I just feel so sad.
all the happy memories, of times we went away, Marrakech, Dubrovnik, closer to home. All the foundations of a loving enduring partnership smashed up. Smashed up, and meaningless. I’m Just 6 years older. Closer to death, more wrinkled, more cynical, more hurt. What have I gained? Two step kids I loved who I will never see again I don’t suppose. Similarly A “mother in law” who has been kind and supportive. All gone. Friends and a social network we have as a couple, not any longer. Awkwardness and social death for a 50 ish single woman.
and yet know I had no choice. I begged him to go to couples counselling months ago. He refused. We have been going over and over and over the sane ground for literally years,. There is no answer. It was this or my sanity. My sanity and my relationship with my eldest son. I had no choice, so why do I feel so utterly utterly shit, bereft and pointless.
today we packed up quite a lot of his books. Carefully, respectfully. But put them In boxes. I’m reclaiming my house. This is good, for me, and the boys. I’ve moved some stuff around, because it suits us better.
I still feel shit. I wish I could get drunk. Not really, because then I would be sad and I would hate myself too, but you remember that oblivion. That’s what I want. Escape. I want this not to hurt. I want it to be 6 months time when the worst is done.
fuck fuck fuck. Here comes the emotional crash .
but I can’t go back. I can’t. If I do I will just be here again in 3 months, or 6 months with more wasted time, more pain and more frustration.