Sad

I’m sad. I was expecting it. I think it’s normal, but today I am heartbreakingly sad.

i have lost the man I believed I would be with forever. The fact that he has done things that I cannot accept which led me to this place doesn’t really help right now.

Im 51. I’m a sober boozer. I’ve got three teenage sons and a bouncy dog. I have failed again to maintain a relationship that was really important to me. Whether that’s because I’m a shit person, or choose the wrong people, or have been let down, or should be more tolerant, or expect too much, or am impossible, I don’t know. I just feel so sad.

all the happy memories, of times we went away, Marrakech, Dubrovnik, closer to home. All the foundations of a loving enduring partnership smashed up. Smashed up, and meaningless. I’m Ā Just Ā 6 years older. Closer to death, more wrinkled, more cynical, more hurt. What have I gained? Two step kids I loved who I will never see again I don’t suppose. Similarly A “mother in law” who has been kind and supportive. All gone. Friends and a social network we have as a couple, not any longer. Awkwardness and social death for a 50 ish single woman.

and yet Ā know I had no choice. I begged him to go to couples counselling months ago. He refused. We have been going over and over and over the sane ground for literally years,. There is no answer. It was this or my sanity. My sanity and my relationship with my eldest son. I had no choice, so why do I feel so utterly utterly shit, bereft and pointless.

today we packed up quite a lot of his books. Carefully, respectfully. But put them In boxes. I’m reclaiming my house. This is good, for me, and the boys. I’ve moved some stuff around, because it suits us better.

I still feel shit. I wish I could get drunk. Not really, because then I would be sad and I would hate myself too, but you remember that oblivion. That’s what I want. Escape. I want this not to hurt. I want it to be 6 months time when the worst is done.

fuck fuck fuck. Here comes the emotional crash .

but I can’t go back. I can’t. If I do I will just be here again in 3 months, or 6 months with more wasted time, more pain and more frustration.

 

 

 


14 comments

  1. I’m so sorry that you’re hurting this much Lily. But you’re able to have such clarity, and it seems obvious that you’re doing the right thing. Inevitably it will pay off in the future, you’ll be happier and your children too. Hope you find a way to see the light very soon. You’re sober, strong and very courageous. A real inspiration. Diane x

    Liked by 2 people

  2. If he did things bad to you, the failure is not yours to own. You have no control over what other people do. Period. Let me say it one more time: You have NO control over what OTHER people do.
    All you can do is be accountable to yourself. Give yourself the break you deserve.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Lily, it’s jojomo from the dry thread. I just wanted to say you are doing so well!! You are following your instincts and that is usually the right thing to do however painful. This relationship couldn’t carry on for you, you are dealing with the fallout and something wonderful may come now there is room in your life for it. Keep faith! You’re inspiring me. x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Often when looking back we focus on the good memories. The holidays, the fun times. The reality is often quite different, Time is the only healer. Is there something you can do, a hobby, join a group of some kind, just something different to fill in the time. Do you have meet up groups in the UK? Here there is a social network called meet up with numerous groups designed to bring people together, walking groups, book clubs, coffee groups, movie groups etc. šŸ’•šŸ’• self love and care Lily šŸ’—šŸ’—

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Breaking up suck rocks. My mom is still friendly with all of my ex sister-in-laws and they still come to her and have genuine good feelings towards each other. I’m sorry you are sad but not sorry because this is what happens when relationships end- it’s freaking sad. It’s ok to be sad. You loved him. Eventually you will get the 20/20 in the rearview mirror. And 51 is young. You have your health because you are sober. Your relationship with your children is most important which is huge and in the long run you will be better- I hope. It’s a death- except that person doesn’t die so the grieving is tricky. I think you are on the right path. New feng shui in the house is good.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Just started following your blog, I’m a newbie. Sorry to hear you’re sad over this man…they get under the skin that’s for sure. Regardless of how much of a dickhead they were and are. Hugs xo šŸŒ·. The pain certainly does go away after time, thank goodness!

    Like

  7. Hey there. It’s hard to hear about so much pain. If I can say anything from my experience working in the family law area is that it gets better. I see a lot of clients in the awful, heartbroken place where you are now. Sometimes I am lucky to run into them a year later and they are completely different. Being in an unworkable relationship is exhausting. Getting out of it is horrible. But this pain does not last forever. You need to be feeling it right now, and I send you so much strength and love.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Hi Lily.

    Relationship break-ups are shit. Fact. We survive them though. I’ve been there and done it BUT it always gets better eventually. Over time things will settle done but unfortunately you are right in the middle of the acute crappy part. It will get better. After my separation & divorce I was totally heartbroken but now life is good (apart from my drinking demons) and I have such quality time with my children. My ex and I are civil now too which we weren’t. I promise it will improve.

    51 is so totally young these days and having three children and a dog is a gift some people crave all their lives! My children are my world. I have no doubt you feel the same. You’re clearly highly intelligent and articulate and I am sure you understand what’s happened behind your emotions. In time you just need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start enjoying life again. When you’re ready of course. Just stay away from the dreaded drink. You’ve inspired me to get my road-bike out after reading your previous posts. That’s a great way to zone-out.

    In every break up there is the social awkwardness but again that settles down. The people that matter to you will always be in your life and the people that don’t well…they can fuck off!!!

    I can read in your posts that you are a thoughtful, giving and caring woman and inevitably this will makes things harder initially. You know that. It will get better. It really will. Thinking of you.

    Rob.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Rob, you are right. Relationship breakdowns ARE shit. And there is no way round that. But also, eventually, we do recover, and the hurt gets less, and life moves forward. My sons, all at critical school / life choices times, need my full attention; and most importantly they need their home to be a place of safety, security and love. I hope you enjoyed your bike ride ! Lily šŸŒ·

      Like

  9. I think that it is some kind of universal law that you cannot receive something new, exciting, and true until you are no longer hanging on to what was and what you only imagined might have been. When you look down and see that you are clinging to illusions of the past, you have the freedom to let them go, knowing that it will only hurt a short while. But then your hands are empty again, and you are finally free to embrace something real and spectacular. That was the way it worked for me, anyway. Had I never let go of Mr. Wrong as hell, I would not have been able to marry Mr. Right. And there is someone for you out there. You have to believe that. But most important, you are there for yourself first. And then someone else later is just a wonderful addition, and not someone to “fix” you. I have great faith in your future. ; )

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Believe me, I know that sadness and I know that feeling of wanting to go back to someone you know isn’t good for you. I suggest you read my memoir “Starting at Goodbye” by Marilyn Boehm on Amazon (first few chapters free on kindle). It details my journey, drunk and sober, with the man I loved for over 25 yrs–back and forth, separating and together. It is really rough going, especially in early sobriety. You never know what the future holds. Sometimes a relationship is exactly like drinking. You romanticize the good times and forget the bad. Hang in there, no matter which road you choose.

    Liked by 1 person


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s