Too much

I start this post with a caveat. I will not harm myself. In any way. I’m releasing a lot of feelings that have nowhere to go. Whatever I write – I mean it, but I will not act on it. Ever.

today I would rather not be here. It all feels like too much. Everyone wants / needs a slice of my attention / input.

i am at work today

i overslept ; something wrong with the alarm. I wrote a whole leaflet for a campaign at work, failed to save it properly and its lost. The best part of a day’s work. One of my docs has resigned. Two are shortly to go on mat leave. There are no replacements to find at the moment, everyone is stressed. There is too much work to do, but some people make double the work that is needed. Ā son1 had a job interviewtoday, Ā but really wants to get into the army – may not be possible as he had aspergers. Son 2is anxious +++ but won’t listen to any advice / play headspace / do anything at all I recommend. son 3 is just started at secondary school and needs support. My exP tells me he is in a ” bad place”, I feel guilty and sorry. But I can’t help.

I have not exercised this week. I barely have the energy to do online shopping.

Emotionally I am in pain. I want to cut myself to releive that pain. ( please read the top of the post) I know that cutting relieves emotional pain, for a short while.

Im struggling. I don’t really know why or with what, but I really am. I crave solitude, but have no concentration. I crave activity, but struggle to concentrate. I am releived to have made a decision to end my relationship, but I crave a cuddle form that one person.

Im not drinking. Thank god. I don’t even want to drink mostly. I want to get rid of the pain. But I know I have to live with it.

Im low, anxious and agitated. Directionless but overwhelmed. I’m in a bad way today.

I will cope, I will be ok. The worse that can happen is that I cut my losses, go home and go to bed early.

This journey is rocky in places. Today is rocky.

 

 


9 comments

  1. Oh Lily, I am sorry. We all have these days, but you just have a lot to deal with. I find just taking small steps- a talk with your son, some self care, a little exercise, a warm meal, and early to bed is sometimes all I can manage but the small steps lead to bigger steps when I am ready. Hugs

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  2. Sending good thoughts. Sometimes life just really sucks. Leaving early for carry-out dinner and an early bedtime sounds like a good plan. Whatever the problem, sleep always helps.

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  3. Being overwhelmed like that is awful. I used to think it felt like liquid stress. I remember a kind of coma-like feeling settling over me, like my body was trying to insulate itself from what felt like unbearable circumstances.I ended up (very wisely) getting a prescription for antidepressants to help with the whole single parent/divorce situation. I know they’re not for everyone, but they were like a life-saver for me. A book called “A Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson also helped a lot. It made so that I could forgive my ex and myself, but also move on from the situation.
    I wish I could pop over and babysit so that you could take a nice vacation. ; )

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  4. Lily I am sorry you are having such a horrible horrible time. It is so good that you are not drinking. Have you got another appointment with your therapist ?

    I am here for you Lily. It will get better. Much Love. Tori xxx

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  5. Oh, it’s so horrible to feel itchy in your own skin. Nothing and no one can relieve it and when the feeling rises I can’t settle into doing anything. Other people’s stresses are not your stresses. You don’t have the responsibility to solve other people’s troubles. The best thing you can do is concentrate on being the best you and then you can support others while they sort their problems out. No advice for the work thing though, that sounds fucking stressful! This too shall pass (and repeat)

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  6. Thank God you are normal, I was begining to think you might be superwoman managing to stay strong during this turmultuous time. You will cope, you will get through this but it is alright to admit that you are not coping now. Eckhart Tolle might be good to listen to right now, either on audible or youtube, he has certainly helped me on my worst days. Some magnesium in powdered form wouldnt go astray either…..but I am talking to a Doctor so ignore my health mumblings! Now, don’t recommend the cutting but a tattoo might be acceptable! That will hurt but have a better outcome! Nothing too over the top as you dont want to scare the patients away….a butterfly symbolising change might be ok. I can send you my doctor to help out at the clinic if you like, he tells all his female patients they are too fat and has zero bedside manner but he is available if you need him. Big hugs from your crazy friend in Oz šŸ’œšŸ’œšŸ’œšŸ’œšŸ˜˜šŸ˜˜šŸ˜˜šŸ˜˜šŸ˜˜

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  7. Hi Lily!
    Raising children is a hard job.
    It’s a stressful time for you, and you are making many changes.
    All I can say is, can you trust that just for today things will work out?
    Just today.
    xo
    Wendy

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