I start this post with a caveat. I will not harm myself. In any way. I’m releasing a lot of feelings that have nowhere to go. Whatever I write – I mean it, but I will not act on it. Ever.
today I would rather not be here. It all feels like too much. Everyone wants / needs a slice of my attention / input.
i am at work today
i overslept ; something wrong with the alarm. I wrote a whole leaflet for a campaign at work, failed to save it properly and its lost. The best part of a day’s work. One of my docs has resigned. Two are shortly to go on mat leave. There are no replacements to find at the moment, everyone is stressed. There is too much work to do, but some people make double the work that is needed. son1 had a job interviewtoday, but really wants to get into the army – may not be possible as he had aspergers. Son 2is anxious +++ but won’t listen to any advice / play headspace / do anything at all I recommend. son 3 is just started at secondary school and needs support. My exP tells me he is in a ” bad place”, I feel guilty and sorry. But I can’t help.
I have not exercised this week. I barely have the energy to do online shopping.
Emotionally I am in pain. I want to cut myself to releive that pain. ( please read the top of the post) I know that cutting relieves emotional pain, for a short while.
Im struggling. I don’t really know why or with what, but I really am. I crave solitude, but have no concentration. I crave activity, but struggle to concentrate. I am releived to have made a decision to end my relationship, but I crave a cuddle form that one person.
Im not drinking. Thank god. I don’t even want to drink mostly. I want to get rid of the pain. But I know I have to live with it.
Im low, anxious and agitated. Directionless but overwhelmed. I’m in a bad way today.
I will cope, I will be ok. The worse that can happen is that I cut my losses, go home and go to bed early.
This journey is rocky in places. Today is rocky.