Someone what random, but developing thoughts in my small traumatised brain.
Why do I think I am sad / traumatised when I have separated from a man who made me very unhappy indeed, quite a lot of the time. A man I was not able to communicate with about any subject he found difficult. Was that my fault ? Or not? Then I think that “fault” is not really the issue in relationships – communication must always be two way, and a breakdown cannot be only one persons ‘ fault’.
what part has my sobriety played in the final break of a relationship which has been more pain than pleasure for at least the past two years? I think the clarity of thought, and the subsequent confidence in the persistence of my feelings has allowed me to make the ‘right’ choice for myself and my boys. When frequently drunk, or hungover, it was hard to recognise that just because I felt good ( or bad) one night / evening it didn’t alter the underlying problems , which were essentially insoluble.
its also amazing how much time I have freed up, not worrying any longer how to fix our relationship. I just accept that it cannot be fixed, I cannot make this man behave as I wish, and I cannot make myself accept the way he wishes to behave. It cannot be done. At present a lot of this free time has been spent struggling with low mood, fatigue, tears and regrets. But that will not always be the case. It’s almost a month now since he left.
I have built myself a (light) training schedule that I should be able to stick to. I have found a local oil painting class I can attend when the boys are with their father. I am starting to cook again and take an interest in this again.
I will see my counsellor tomorrow. I want to continue the process of digging into why I feel so unworthy , so generally lacking in self confidence , when I can see objectively that I need not. I have started reading self help books .
And, the boys and I have decided to get another dog. Company for Lola, another dog for us all to love and a marker of a new life. Not immediately, as we would like another puppy from the same small breader that Lola came from, but one day soon…