Ok, right now, reading this blog must be a bit like following a teenagers diary. Full of angst and instability and right now, inside corrosive vituperative RAGE.
im so fucking angry.
On the positive side I recognise this emotion both intellectually and viscerally. I know what it is that I am feeling. I am angry with myself, with my ex partner, with my father (or I think I should be, but thats odd because intellectually I feel angry, but emotionally I feel nothing)
im angry with him, my exP, in such a profound, intense, furious way that I know is an outpouring of all the pent up rage, disappointment, frustration and hurt of the last years of our relationship. I’m so angry that he could allow our relationship (which started with such love and hope, such intense attraction, such optimism and happiness) degenerate into this bitter, angry, lost cause. And I say HE has allowed it because I have been proverbially ( and literally)
screaming at him for two years or more that we were in big big trouble , and he refused to listen and refused my begging for us to attend counselling together. So whilst the underlying issues are obviously not ALL his fault, the refusal to address them before the entire relationship imploded in acrimonious uncontrolled meltdown.
and I’m angry with myself. I have no idea if this is justified, but I am angry with myself for a) not seeing the obvious flaws in the set up before we even started b) for not getting much tougher much earlier c) allowing my sons to suffer because he bullied them – not always – and not at the beginning ; but he did (d) for losing my values and my beliefs under the onslaught of his stronger personality / voice.
One of those beliefs comes from my own childhood. My parents were not happily married – I don’t really know why – although I could guess, but the discord was real, my brother confirms that he too remembers this. I hated being at home as an adolescent , and I left as soon as I reasonably could ( to university / college) at 18. I avoided going home as much as I could. My father was a very critical grumpy man, and I never ever wanted that experience for my kids. I want them to know that they are loved at home, that they matter, that whatever they have done or not done I will be here on their corner. I want home to be a happy secure place for me and my sons. It’s actually one of the most important things I want / need. I now see that my ex partner eroded that with criticism, humiliation, victimisation, unkindness, bullying and downright cruelty. Not always – and there were some good times, but latterly …..
Its hugely important to me that my sons feel safe at home. And I allowed that to be compromised. I am ANGRY And very disappointed in myself, my weakness that put HIS happiness above my children’s security. Again , it was not all bad, but laterally, it had been terrible.
I fluctuate between furious anger and wanting to scream at him, to acceptance that he won’t see it my way, and in reality it doesn’t matter what he sees or thinks if the relationship is over.
He still wants to go to couples counselling . I’m quite torn. In one way I want to MAKE him listen – to understand, and then maybe it could work out, maybe we could be happy – I really really though this man was “the one” the “love of my life” ( and I know this brings into question my sanity because Really !!!)
the other side says there is NO point going anywhere with this man. He will NOT listen and never change and I’m better spending my pennies on my own therapy ….
Puppy plans are coming along though !! And I’m still dry.