And so many wasted on my ex P
i have alluded here to there being more than one reason why we separated. The most significant, and the one I have discussed here previously, was his toxic relationship with my eldest son. That, in itself would have been, should have been enough for me to realise that this was not the man of my dreams. I think in someways, because I did not have a happy childhood myself, and was, at least in part quite unkindly treated by both my parents , I almost accepted this as normal, and did not react as firmly and decisively to exPs behaviours as I should have,
this is something I need to review and think about with my therapist.
the other reason that my relationship failed was because my exP does not work , has not worked and does not earn a living. He is an artist, of a certain kind, and does not make any money from this, I have been solely and completely financially supporting him for the last 5 + years.
He refuses to get a paying job. Literally refuses. This arrangement was discussed once, about 3 months into our relationship when it became clear to me he did not have much money. I agreed to “help him get back on his feet” , an arrangement I stipulated was to continue for ‘no longer than a year’.
It is now almost SIX years later. He has watched a lot of Netflix box sets. He has also built my boys a den in the garden – a wonderful structure where they can have sleepovers and play games – he has also done some DIY – he is very good at it; but being a perfectionist rarely completes what he starts.
And I can’t take it any longer. I am in debt despite earning a good salary. I bought my ex husband out of the former marital home so that the boys would stay in their home, but the divorce calculation was based on me supporting 3 children and myself. And still he refuses to consider paid work.
I do not understand. But what I do know now is that he would lose his relationship, and everything else he owns before he will face reality – reality is that he is talented but disorganised and far too poorly motivated to make a success of self employment.
i did not intend to write about this. Because it’s shameful. I am ashamed that I allowed this to go on for so long. The I concealed it from my family, and friends. That I carried on doing it ? Even though my debts were growing and he WOULD NOT discuss it with me, just carried on living here, eating my food and taking from me.
I have been reading Brene Brown a little ( my concentration is still not great) but the powerful messages about Shame, and how we all feel it, resonate with me. Why should I be ashamed? I have been generous, loving, giving and hopeful. He has been the user, the abuser, the one who took advantage.
what the hell, no one knows me in reality. This is the truth.the truth about my dysfunctional life, my deeply fucked up relationship. It took getting sober, and staying sober to get the courage to stand up for myself and my sons and say NO MORE.
and I’m still afraid that somehow I will renege on this, won’t be able to resist his persuasive arguments, and charm. Bit like alcohol really. The gloss on the outside leads you to believe it’s a good idea, the reality is that it’s poison.
I loved him. I loved him so very much. And he used me. And he would have used me forever , alienated me from my children and taken,taken, taken from me.
I Should not be afraid. But I am.