So many thoughts …

And so many wasted on my ex P

i have alluded here to there being more than one reason why we separated. The most significant, and the one I have discussed here previously, was his toxic relationship with my eldest son. That, in itself would have been, should have been enough for me to realise that this was not the man of my dreams. I think in someways, because I did not have a happy childhood myself, and was, at least in part quite unkindly treated by both my parents , I almost accepted this as normal, and did  not react as firmly and decisively to exPs behaviours as I should have,

this is something I need to review and think about with my therapist.

the other reason that my relationship failed was because my exP does not work , has not worked and does not earn a living. He is an artist, of a certain kind, and does not make any money from this, I have been solely and completely financially supporting him for the last 5 + years.

He refuses to get a paying job. Literally refuses. This arrangement was discussed once, about 3 months into our relationship when it became clear to me he did not have much money. I agreed to “help him get back on his feet” , an arrangement I stipulated was to continue for ‘no longer than a year’.

It is now almost SIX years later. He has watched a lot of Netflix box sets. He has also built my boys a den in the garden – a wonderful structure where they can have sleepovers and play games – he has also done some DIY – he is very good at it; but being a perfectionist rarely completes what he starts.

And I can’t take it any longer. I am in debt despite earning a good salary. I bought my ex husband out of the former marital home so that the boys would stay in their home, but the divorce calculation was based on me supporting 3 children and myself. And still he refuses to consider paid work.

I do not understand. But what I do know now is that he would lose his relationship, and everything else he owns before he will face reality – reality is that he is talented but disorganised and far too poorly motivated to make a success of self employment.

i did not intend to write about this. Because it’s shameful. I am ashamed that I allowed this to go on for so long. The I concealed it from my family, and friends. That I carried on doing it ? Even though my debts were growing and he WOULD NOT discuss it with me, just carried on living here, eating my food and taking from me.

I have been reading Brene Brown a little ( my concentration is still not great) but the powerful messages about Shame, and how we all feel it, resonate with me. Why should I be ashamed? I have been generous, loving, giving and hopeful. He has been the user, the abuser, the one who took advantage.

what the hell, no one knows me in reality. This is the truth.the truth about my dysfunctional life, my deeply fucked up relationship. It took getting sober, and staying sober to get the courage to stand up for myself and my sons and say NO MORE.

and I’m still afraid that somehow I will renege on this, won’t be able to resist his persuasive arguments, and charm. Bit like alcohol really. The gloss on the outside leads you to believe it’s a good idea, the reality is that it’s poison.

I loved him. I loved him so very much. And he used me. And he would have used me forever , alienated me from my children and taken,taken, taken from me.

I Should not be afraid. But I am.


12 comments

  1. Well Lily, you are doing the right thing now. It is part of abuse to stay in bad situation whether it is alcohol or a relationship. What you are doing takes great courage and I think it is wonderful. It is still going to take some time to build your confidence back up but you will be stronger and wiser.

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  2. There are so many differences in our past relationships but man there are so many similarities too.
    I recognise all these feelings – my parents also, once we split up and I was honest about how I paid for everything – breathed a sigh of relief. They just thought I was super shit with money and didn’t understand why I was always counting pennies!

    Love is not enough. In time you will realise you deserve love and SO much more. A partner, someone to help support you, mutually, not just a dreamy artist thinking love is enough. (And this is without even getting started on the way he treated your son.)

    It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to miss him. You’re grieving. You were together a long time, invested a lot, and it’s hard to let it go. But be strong! I remember being sat in a pub crying missing my ex, with him right in front of me saying we should give t another go, and me saying no. It was hard. And 100% the right thing. Not one regret about it being over.
    You’re doing awesome X

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    • Thank you. I feel less alone having written this. If you knew me you would not believe that I was so up boundaries in my private life, as I am extremely well boundaries professionally., I need to learn how to recognise what is good for me , as opposed to just what i “want”

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  3. It’s the Lindsey Buckingham mirage. One time in the history of the world a girl went out and cleaned houses for money while her boyfriend stayed home writing songs and instead of parting ways broke and bitter, they were hired into Fleetwood Mac. I believed this to be a workable paradigm through out the whole of my 20’s. You’re not the only woman who fed a starving artist. As for your son, you have stood up for him now, chosen him now. That counts for a lot and you will do better next time.

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  4. I read your blog. I’ll begin by encouraging you to not be afraid. I’ve been in your position. Your story resonates w me as well as so many women. It appears you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. The first step is recognizing it. I have been sober for 15 years and still found myself in the same position. Walking away is having respect for yourself and more importantly your children. I’m not going to say the road ahead is going to be peaches and cream. It’s not. You will have ups and downs but you will become a better person for it. My Brazilian friend once said “there are men for bed times, there are men for bad times but there are also the men who are stable and there for you all the time. A man who will love you unconditionally and treat you with respect. The Bed Time men you can find at every street corner. Who needs a man who merely brings the bad times. It’s the stable one who will be there for you in the good times, bed times, bad times and all the times that are the ones worth fighting for”. This man is not good enough for you. You my dear deserve the best. Get out, stay out and get to know you. You may discover the best partner is “me, myself and I”. Love yourself unconditionally and respect yourself enough to walk away. God has someone better in store for you. There are 3 billion men in the world. Surely the perfect man is out there waiting for someone as wonderful as you but you won’t find him until you close this door. Walking away from this man doesn’t mean you have to stop loving him, it just means you love yourself more. You are worth it!!

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  5. Hi Lily,
    I am so glad you are seeing these things and writing about them.
    By writing and letting some of your stories out, you are healing.
    You are not alone, as many of us have things we are not proud of.
    But we are all human.
    You are strong lady!
    xo
    Wendy

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