Alone or lonely?

A bottle of sav blanc was always a good companion! I rarely felt lonely in the drinking days- probably because I was drunk. Since I have been sober, there have been some uncomfortable evenings when I have felt acutely lonely. It’s less now, since ExP left, as the kids are around – just around – more often. I used to love reading, and could always bury myself in a book – right now, my concentration is poor and I seem quite unable to concentrate long enough to read any of the interesting books I have waiting on my kindle. My therapist suggested TED talks, which I think might be better, but my concentration seems limited to trashy TV; reality shows and short bursts of favourite films.

I don’t feel lonely as such right now, but I do feel alone with the responsibility for making good decisions for the future; deciding for me and the boys what is the right thing to do. I do trust my instincts, and my decision making capacity in many ways, but there are things that I still struggle with.

My current dilemma, about whether to move, is one such thing. Financially it makes sense, my current house attracts a premium because it’s in the catchment are of several excellent and over subscribed school. As my boys are now settled in schools, I not longer need this advantage, and a new property can be equally convenient, the same size, but quite a lot cheaper…. I also wonder if it’s just time for a change …

Being sober feels normal now, but the weight of responsibility, and the sense of being alone is , or feels, heavier than I remember.

I wonder if this is making me nostalgic for the time when I had a partner – although in reality that provided only the illusion of a person to share the load as we disagreed so profoundly.

And my puppy has been born. We haven’t chosen one yet, but the litter has arrived…

 


3 comments

  1. Awww cute puppies! Moving house is always a good way to make a fresh start and leave memories behind to a degree which may be helpful – a big effort though. Podcasts are another good option for something to distract you if you’re not feeling particularly focused. Take care šŸ™‚ x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Lily. My concentration is still very poor but I have a subscription to audible so that I can listen to audio books. I really enjoy it. I am a bit of a Radio 4 addict and it’s a bit like having a really good Book of the Week on demand. I also enjoy TED talks and the Bubble Hour. Love Tori xxx

    Like


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