To love yourself

Once we love ourselves, people no longer look good to us unless they are good for us”

This quote, attributed to Richo, was given to me by my therapist earlier this week. I’ve been musing on it quite a lot since then.

Why did “this man” exP , look so very good to me for such a long time – when the evidence that he was NOT good for me was staring me in the face? What exactly was he providing to me, that I wanted? What fears was being with him, covering up? What needs was he meeting ? And if he was meeting those needs then, what has changed? Him or me? Or both?

And why am I still not sure of these things aged 51?

I think he looked attractive to me because he is outwardly confident and strong. He obviously didn’t tell me he had no income, and our early relationship was mainly conducted at my home when the children were asleep – because it was hard for me to go out. And he didn’t seem fazed by the kids at the beginning.

And now, I know he is not good for me because he doesn’t share my values, doesn’t respect me or my relationship with my children,

i find it really hard to believe that there are any relationships that ARE good for both partners, I guess I’ve never had that. I believe my brother and his wife are truly happily married, my friends J & K  genuinely are a team together, and I’m sure some others are. I do know I have never really been long term supported or cared for by a partner who was good for me.

It makes me feel sad. And pretty bloody despairing, because it’s a bit bloody late now  😟

However, one thing I am quite certain of, is that it’s better to be alone than badly accompanied … And would rather be lonely than unhappy, frustrated and with no prospect of change.


5 comments

  1. I think it’s important to understand some things, but I also think it’s vitally important to take those things into the future and do good with the things you learned.

    I used to wonder what happened to me too and I think I’m coming to the realization that when you spend years hurting yourself – emotionally, physically & mentally – then it might take some time to repair the damage. The important thing, I think, is that progress is being made.

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  2. I have a number of friends who are single. They have discovered that most people have quite a lot of baggage that they carry around. Baggage from former relationships, just baggage from life. But it is never too late. My mum met her Mr right when she turned 60! I have never ever seen her as happy as she has been these past 13 years.

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  3. hi, thanks for writing this all down, feel that i’m in a similar situation re men and have to work out why oh why. not having the booze to make stuff temporarily go away is certainly good …but i don’t find it easy. i hope to find a therapist soon, it’s time to do this thing different next time. thanks again.

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