Twenty nine weeks ago today I sat in my consulting room on a Friday morning, planning the day ahead. Friday is and was my busiest clinical day when I have back to back patient appointments all day – with phone calls and messages and consultations, I will have approx 60+ patient contacts on a Friday.
I had known for
ever a long time that my drinking was out of control and for the last month had been making a serious effort to moderate, in that I had drunk only on a Friday night for 3 weeks. I was in effect on a Day 7 (again) BUT It was Friday, I was ‘allowed’ to drink on a Friday.
At that time I was living with my partner of 5 + years. I would not describe our relationship as happy, although there were happy times / days. We drank a lot together, and always had done. we argued quite a lot when drunk, usually because my frustration with one thing or another (income or my children) boiled over. the arguments were tense and never resolved because in a few days the issues were pushed back under the carpet, only to recur at another time.
Son #1 had failed most of his GCSE’s and was ‘resitting’ at College. He had a deeply unpleasant needy girlfriend, and spent most of his time at her house. Playing computer games and eating junk food. He did no academic work ,was surly and uncooperative at home and I could see he was not going to achieve anything much from his extra resit year at College. The relationship between my exP and my eldest son was truly awful.
I had huge debt, that was spiraling out of control. Overspending is on of the other ways I had / have of managing something that is wrong with me. This is despite earning a good salary
I got really really drunk that night. I dragged my family, and J & K to a local pizza restaurant and probably drink 2 bottles of wine. I don’t remember coming home. Apparently I fell in my bedroom and missed banging my head on an open window frame by inches.
when I woke I was ill, dehydrated, headache, nauseaous and deeply ashamed and afraid. Thats when I decided I HAD to stop. Not at some vague, ill defined point in the future. But NOW.
so where am I 29 weeks later?
My relationship has imploded. it was coming. The sobriety made it inevitable. I’m angry, sad, lost, grieving and relieved all at the same time. I have started individual therapy to look at how I have got myself into this mess – because its not exactly my first failed relationship.
My home is calmer, less arguing and more kindness. Its not perfect yet – probably never will be; but its better.
I am still in debt, and in reality I will be for a long time. But at least its now falling, and its under MY control.
I’m still sober. and I have greater clarity, I feel present although there are times i LONG for oblivion and abdication of all my responsibilities.
I could not have imagined THIS life 29 weeks ago. But when I review it – I think its better.