I’ve had a rough weekend
not physically very well, courtesy of son #3. Couldn’t cycle (training), couldn’t swim and couldn’t run ( bad knee – still) Managed two long walks with the dog
My lovely friend J is not well, and this hurts me and worry’s me. I did some cooking for them on Saturday as a small thing I CAN do to hep their family at this difficult time.
Full of RAGE yesterday at ExP ; out of nowhere. Feel like he has swanned off ( yes, I know I told him to go) leaving me with a mountain of debt I start to think I will never clear. Furiously fucking angry, between coughing and sneezing – so no peace. And couldn’t face yoga with that much anger buzzing round me.
Son#2. for reason best known to himself, has decided that it is UNNECESSARY for me to be sober. That I could moderate my drinking. Really. Like I haven’t tried that darling, since before you were born. Son #2 is 14 and believes he has ALL the answers at the moment. Without expressly saying “your mother is a drunk who does unwise / dangerous / stupid things when she drinks and has no control AT ALL over her drinking” I wasn’t sure how to convince him that I KNOW sobriety is best for me…I tried….
The Hamster is lost. Her cage was being cleaned and Hollie escaped from the holding pen. We cannot find her ANYWHERE. I do not believe Lola has eaten her because Lola does not come upstairs. I think shes hidden herself under the floorboards of our Victorian house and will never be seen again.
the business is not in good financial shape. I’m not sure if this is just cash flow issues or underlying bigger problems. My business partners deal with the financial side. All I know is my expected income this month is down by a 1/3. Our accountant is on holiday. Clarity will follow. But it probably didn’t help the RAGE.The joys of self employment.
I had a drinking dream last night. A very real, frightening drinking dream involving a bottle of Merlot. which, since I rarely drank red wine, is weird. I was in company of ‘famous people’ – cant remember who, and before knew it I was necking the red wine, Then I remembered that ‘I don’t drink’ but it was too late. There is probably meaning in there somewhere…
This morning I saw a long standing patient of mine. I have no wish to break confidentiality in any way so I will keep this vague. She is in late middle age but looks at least 20 years older. She used to work in a prestigious job that involved a lot of travel. To ‘keep going’ she drank. As she got older, and others were replaced with younger staff, she continued; commuting, travelling and drinking. We talked about it a lot. She spent a lot of money on useless ‘private detoxes’ and charlatans who gave her tranquilizers and disappeared. She went to see a private doctor who she did not tell about us, and she did not tell us she was seeing him – to obtain extra medicines. Her health deteriorated but she clung onto her job and great cost to her well being. Eventually she retired and after a severe illness and hospital stay, she quit drinking. The change was dramatic. She looked well. She had energy, she started walking and occasionally going out. Her health parameters improved. And then she relapsed. maybe after 18 months or so, I’m not completely sure. Last year she almost killed herself in a house fire because she fell asleep drunk with the stove on. Today she looked very unwell. disheveled, unkempt, tremulous. Her memory is poor, probably alcohol related dementia. Her physical and mental health is declining, swiftly and dramatically. We discussed briefly – until her eyes filled with tears, she asked me to stop as she just didn’t feel well enough to talk about it.
That’s what happens when you cant stop drinking
I don’t judge. That could be me. It could still be me if I cant stick to sobriety. Its a scary , sad, depressing outcome for this nice lady.
one day at a time right now , one day at a time