Letting go

on the front page of this blog, I outlined my wish/ aim .. to not WANT to drink alcohol.

i would add to that now, I want to Not fret about my relationship breakdown. It’s been almost seven weeks. In one way I can’t believe I’ve actually done it;  I’ve split from the man I adored, he is my ExP. in another way I can’t actually believe that he has allowed this to happen. That the way ‘back’ was , at least initially, really simple. And he didn’t do it. I spent some time ( and still do occasionally)  raging that this man who supposedly ‘loved me so much ‘ couldn’t even book ( not pay for, Just book) one session of couples counselling  … couldn’t even make that tiny effort to try and maintain our relationship.

What was I really worth to him ? Nothing, nothing at all is what it feels like, and all that money I spent, trying to support him.  Just wasted, that’s all he wanted. Money, and I’m left tens if thousands of pound in debt, whilst he waltzes off to catch the next insecure vulnerable woman and spin her the same shit ….

All the heartache, the mental breakdown I endured, the stress and hurt and anguish over his relationship with my kids… he was NEVER EVER going to even try and see it my way, because what I feel is irrelevant to him. Whether I am / Was happy, literally didn’t matter.at . All.

this is a big realisation for me, and it’s hugely painful. But it takes me further down the road, that I have to let go of this relationship –  not just him, but the hopes and dreams I once had for our future. And I have to believe that not just ‘doing with out’ is the answer. The Answer is, like alcohol, I need to not want him anymore. I need to not want the future we had planned … I need to genuinely believe this man was BAD for me, BAD for my children and was not going to deliver on a happy future for me.

im worth more than that.

 

 


10 comments

  1. I had a therapist tell me once, that I am worthy of love and respect. Granted, I think we all are, but sometimes we miss that little item in our relationships.

    Keep strong, I follow your posts and I can see the strength you have. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can feel how angry you are at the moment – I wonder how long you’ve felt angry with exP, and how much the alcohol smothered that? (You don’t have to answer that!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Annie, you can ask – and I will tell you – a LONG LONg time. I even knew I was angry with him, but I had no idea how to deal with it. Not heard when I raised it, ( not heard now either) shouted down, ignored and I couldn’t face dumping him… the answer is now obviously crystal clear ! Lily 🌷

      Like


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s