on the front page of this blog, I outlined my wish/ aim .. to not WANT to drink alcohol.
i would add to that now, I want to Not fret about my relationship breakdown. It’s been almost seven weeks. In one way I can’t believe I’ve actually done it; I’ve split from the man I adored, he is my ExP. in another way I can’t actually believe that he has allowed this to happen. That the way ‘back’ was , at least initially, really simple. And he didn’t do it. I spent some time ( and still do occasionally) raging that this man who supposedly ‘loved me so much ‘ couldn’t even book ( not pay for, Just book) one session of couples counselling … couldn’t even make that tiny effort to try and maintain our relationship.
What was I really worth to him ? Nothing, nothing at all is what it feels like, and all that money I spent, trying to support him. Just wasted, that’s all he wanted. Money, and I’m left tens if thousands of pound in debt, whilst he waltzes off to catch the next insecure vulnerable woman and spin her the same shit ….
All the heartache, the mental breakdown I endured, the stress and hurt and anguish over his relationship with my kids… he was NEVER EVER going to even try and see it my way, because what I feel is irrelevant to him. Whether I am / Was happy, literally didn’t matter.at . All.
this is a big realisation for me, and it’s hugely painful. But it takes me further down the road, that I have to let go of this relationship – not just him, but the hopes and dreams I once had for our future. And I have to believe that not just ‘doing with out’ is the answer. The Answer is, like alcohol, I need to not want him anymore. I need to not want the future we had planned … I need to genuinely believe this man was BAD for me, BAD for my children and was not going to deliver on a happy future for me.
im worth more than that.