Empathy

Yesterday I had a series of email exchanges with my exP.

This was unwise really, as it reiterated my gut feeling that I am still very vulnerable to him, his words, his opinion, and to the bond we had.

it started innocently enough with a question about the location of some gadget or other, but soon developed in to an exchange of painful opinions about the demise of our relationship. Of course, it hit my empathy points. My caring side, the part that loves him. Of course I feel bad that he has no income, no home, no stability. Of course I care.

But then I come back to what my therapist, and my loved ones are trying to help me believe, that these things are not my fault. Not my responsibility. He is a fully able adult who made choices , including not listening when I said I was unhappy , including taking huge advantage of my financial generosity….

i look at my boys, and I see that they are happier. There is less tension, less shouting, they fight between themselves less. I have space and time to support them better, and to involve them in decisions that affect their futures.

last night, we all sat in one room, swathed in blankets, hot water bottles, and the dog for warmth (boiler not working) and watched a movie together. Simple. But so nice.

Our puppy will arrive in 3 weeks time – we are all very excited ! He represents a joint project between me and the boys – and we will all need to do our part. I have a puppy sitter for 4 hours a day when I am at work, so he will not be alone for any length of time for the first 2  months he’s home. After he’s immunised, he will he able to be taken out with Lola …

this is a hard path I’m travelling. I’m lonely sometimes, and afraid of the future. I feel like a failure at times, other times I know I just have to keep going and better things will come for all of us. I know I have love and support from friends and family, and that helps a lot !

Im sorry I’m not ‘giving’ a lot into the sober community at the moment – I’m struggling (tho not with sobriety) – but I do think of you all xxx

lily 🌷Xx

 

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10 comments

  1. This rings with me, because I am the ex of some one like you. There were things I could have done better, but the ego wouldn’t let me…. I still haven’t changed a bit and probably will never. Yet the yearning is there of what if’s and what could have been’s

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    • If you really want it to change, then you need to listen. Talk yes, But listen more. And compromise, and more your mindset from what’s best you you, to what’s right for all the family… therapy would be a good start. I still ‘love’ my ExP, but I can’t live as he expected me to. And he can’t / won’t talk (or listen) so stalemate …

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  2. Every day you don’t drink, regardless of the stress and confusion (and joy) that you are going through, you are giving to the online community. It makes me think, “If she can do it, maybe I can as well.”

    I wish I could be your puppy sitter. ; )

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