FFS

I need this like a hole in the head

I have a breast lump

A 2 cm firm lump in my left breast. Its not been there long – I know because I check regularly. Its mobile, and there are no really sinister features. But It’s there: I’m a woman and 1/9 women get breast cancer at some point in their lives. why NOT me.  I was a heavy drinker which increases ones risk, and I have had enough stress in the last 3 years to increase my risk of ‘illness’. I really believe that emotional stress and  anxiety take their toll on physical robustness.

So I have been to see my GP, I’m trying not to read too much into the fact that she did NOT say “Oh that feels fine, I am not worried at all, but just to be safe we will refer you …” But rather ” Ok, I’m going to refer you to the 2 week wait clinic -(for suspected cancer)” ; I’m resisting the urge to poke the wretched thing every 5 minutes to see if its gone ( it hasn’t); and I’m reasonably sanguine about the whole thing right now. I have had a couple of 3 am wobbles, in which my overactive brain jumps from worst case scenario to the grave in the space of 2 minutes… but in general I think remaining optimistic that its a) nothing to worry about or b) early, small and easily dealt with is probably more helpful

I have told my poor friend Kate, who with a poorly mother and a very sick husband surely doesn’t need more ( but she reads my blog so I cant keep it from her ) and my brother … When I get a clinic appt I will tell my mum. Do not intend to burden my kids with this, until and unless I must… ie hopefully never.

for the first time I miss ExP quite fiercely, as a hug and a reassuring arm would be pretty nice right now..

I have posted a picture of my gorgeous puppy, now named Jasper, at the top of the page, to remind me there are loads of things to look forward to and lots of things to be grateful for.

 


18 comments

  1. Been there through the lump, further scans and biopsy. So natural to worry but so much better to just say you won’t worry until you have to. (hard to follow that advice sometimes though) Big hug. I understand how you might miss ExP’s arms right now. Very natural to grieve that too but just grab that adorable puppy instead!!!

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  2. I’ve been there too. Ended up getting a biopsy but it turned out fine. I hope you’ll be saying the same too! I wonder if the boozing (I’m a fellow alcoholic) ends up giving us more fibrous tissues. Maybe

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  3. Oh Lily, I just saw this. Stay positive. It’s all we can do sometimes (my darling Dad passed away last week and I am adrift also). Keep on keeping on and all that xx.
    PS. Serious. Dog. Envy.

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