Yesterday I was discussing with my therapist last weekends meeting with ExP. In particular the part where I agreed to go for a “drink” with him and watch rugby. Why I did that, what I was hoping to gain? What the feelings I had at the time and afterwards were about – actually what feelings I HAD. After we had chatted for a bit, and I had tried to put the complex feelings I have into words, Angela said ” you are still bargaining”.
And that’s it. That’s the crux.
If you take the Kubler-Ross model of the grief ‘experience’ ; (and after all the loss of a significant relationship is a kind of loss that induces grief) then ‘bargaining’ is one of the stages that many people go through. I’ve certainly done ‘angry’ ! The bargaining is a kind of desperate attempt NOT to face reality (that the relationship has failed) and for me is bordering on denial that this can actually have happened.
To me its SO obvious that my deal-breakers are ‘reasonable’ and normal that I literally CANNOT understand how this man, who says he ‘loves me so much’ can’t get it
- That I cannot be 100% financially responsible for an able-bodied adult who cannot make any money in his chosen sphere and will not work in any other, whilst I get deeper and deeper into debt through supporting him.
- That an adult who is rude, bullying and unkind to my child cannot live with him. And that the child comes first to its mother.
and I just don’t understand why he cannot see this. and my bargaining comes almost with myself
- If only I had tried harder…if I give him one more chance he WILL see these things
- If only we had got support from a couples counsellor…, someone who could make him understand
- If only I had tried to talk to him earlier / differently…If I could have made him understand
And why can’t I accept that he does not see it, and will not see it because he doesn’t want to?
Because I think, I had so much invested in this relationship. And despite all I know, he still ‘looks good’ to me. I have to trust the process of building my self esteem and confidence so that He (who is not good for me) will eventually not LOOK good to me either…
And in the meantime? I would be best advised to keep away from this person, accept that I was mistaken in my past assessment of him; accept that I cannot change HIM only my reaction to him; accept that in time I won’t want him at all, and plough on with in own furrow.