humdrum. I rather like that word, and it describes my life pretty well at the moment. There are no big highs, but also no long, deep lows. My stress levels are undoubtedly lower than before.
My home life is humdrum, being mum to three boys (and two dogs) sorting out their needs, homework, the shopping, cleaning, washing, ironing.. all day today I have minded the puppy, house training him, cleaned up the endless muddy paw prints from repeated trips to the garden, done my accounts, cleaned, washed, walked Lola twice, taken the car to be serviced and MOT’d.
I think about ExP quite often. Not in a yearning way, but in a ‘rationalising way’, trying to make sense of the whole thing. I bit quite cross doing my accounts when I realised just how much money I had ‘given him’ in the last financial year. From my perspective now I cannot understand how I allowed such an obviously ridiculous and financially abusive situation to continue for so long.
The anger is less violent, less consuming and lasts less long ,than it did at the beginning, but it can still take me over with moments of hot impulsive fury. During those momentS, I would like to scream at HIM. But I know it won’t help, won’t change anything and the moment passes in an hour or so.
Im grateful for the reduction in intensity of emotion. I can cope better, feel less raw. It’s exactly like how I felt a couple of months after I stopped drinking , as though my sobriety had brought some balance to my emotional state. I’m still a bit up and down, but I could never have done this if I’d still been drinking.
I think a humdrum life suits me quite well right now . I worry a bit about what will happen when I feel the need to look for some excitement again, but maybe I won’t. Maybe I’m cured of wanting / craving excitement in my life. Maybe I’m going to enjoy some longer term stability with pleasure in little things ….