i am developing an issue with food. Or “not food” to be honest. Not eating.
weight, body image, appearance.
Here we go again.
like a lot of young women, I had a variety of eating “issues” in the past. My height, 158 cm, means that I show extra pounds easily, and both of my parents were /are overweight. From the age of 18 I have been ‘dieting’ pretty much continuously. At times I have been anorexic, not seriously, but enough to drop my BMI well below ideal: much more often I was bulimic. I have taken all kinds of slimming pills, laxatives (although never appetite suppressants as I’m afraid of them) .
in the last 10 years my weight has bounced between 8 stone and 11 stone. The former makes me look like a lollipop and the latter like a weeble. My relationship with food and eating/ fuel/ weight is entirely screwed up.
like most people ,(well women anyway) who stop drinking, I calculated how many calories were in my daily bottle of Sauvignon, and assumed that the 700 calories a day I would no longer be imbibing would result in a steady measurable weight loss. It didn’t. At the beginning I actually didn’t care. I was far too busy focussing on not drinking , and I took heart from sobermummy’s experience that her weight loss, started at about 100 days. I didn’t have too many issues with carb stuffing, but my weight stayed stubbornly static at about 10 stone 7. That’s 147 lbs and a BMI of about 26.
Then, of course, as my sobriety lengthened, the clarity of thought that slowly developed , made the way I was living, the stress of my financial situation and the relationship between ExP and my children, the main focus of my thoughts. And being “out of control” of those things turned me back to one thing I could control – my eating. The starving / binging cycle started again. Very secretive, very stealthily I found myself binging, and then compensatory starving. Then the starving started to feel good ….
i can eat ‘normally’ , around other people, but not for long. I’ve lost weight, and that feels good. To an extent it is good, I’ve lost a stone -15lbs to be exact , and look better for it. All my clothes fit and I feel more confident BUT …
Since I split from ExP , since I have been doing counselling and since there are so many uncomfortable, painful feelings around my head … it’s become a different kind of addiction. Feeling hungry, or not (and very often it’s not) has become another way of punishing myself? Or controlling something that feels out of my control.
Im concerned about this – but I don’t seem ready to do anything about it. At the moment I’m almost enjoying the denial, I don’t know why.
My weight is a very good barometer of my emotional well being. When I hover at 10 stone, it tells me that my emotional state is ok. Prior to my “breakdown” in 2014 my weight plummeted to just over 8 stone and then I fell apart. It’s a kind of early warning sign. I AM noticing this – I can’t and don’t want to get back to that state of extreme anxiety and depression. I don’t think that I will.
but I’m marking my place here. I’m being honest that all is not well. And I need to address it.