Today is my 259th day of consecutive sobriety, and it is 14 weeks today that my relationship ended. In a way that seems so recent, and in another, it’s like another age.
Yesterday a former colleague came to see me, and her partner fitted the new latch and side gate that ExP made. I was so grateful. We messaged ExP to ask where the keep for the lock was. He offered to come over today to show me – but I have declined.
i don’t want to see him.
I DON’T WANT TO SEE HIM.
i don’t want his undermining snidely comments about the puppy, about the job that Has been done on the side gate, about me, the house and everything. that is what he would do: criticise me and everything about me. I just can’t take it and I don’t want to.
He would ask solicitously about sons 2 & 3 – and probably about my extended family, and studiously ignore the existence of son # 1.
Ive had a tough week. Being off work, looking after Jasper has not been a break. It’s been one long round of cleaning up , mopping, feeding, basic training and trying to get small things done. I’m stressed, anxious, anorexic (in the medical sense – meaning not eating) agitated and disheartened. My life is boring.
BUT… and this is a big BUT …
- i do not think I am in love with ExP ANY longer
- i can see how he undermines me and I don’t want it
- i don’t want to see him
- Both sons #2 and #3 have had good school reports this week
- i am sober
- i am growing emotionally and psychologically, I can almost feel it. It hurts , it’s difficult,awkward and very painful …
- i have a space, where I can go, every week and explore these things in a non judgemental, non emotionally charged environment; with someone who reads what I say, and feel and helps me with interpret it. I feel safe and contained with my therapist,but able to be very honest.
I expect this this is my first day of the “acceptance” part of the loss. He is not the answer. He has been a big part of the problem.i don’t expect (sadly) that this feeling will stay – I expect regression, but I do expect it to return, and return more often. I expect it to take root slowly, and as long as I continue to nourish it; by remaining sober, but not seeing or communicating with ExP, by plodding on, I expect it to flourish in time.
Until now, I have known I cannot continue with the relationship for my children, because of the financial drain. Today I don’t want to continue with it for ME. Me, Lily, the woman, who can suddenly see the undermining, lack of care for my feelings or needs, criticism, unkindness – as damaging TO ME. And I feel that I matter
marking my place.
a very happy thanksgiving to my friends across the pond.
Lily 🌷 xxx