This morning was one of the most difficult I can remember for sometime.
i took Lola out early, and walked her for a good 2 hours, through our local beautiful park. Usually the exercise, connection to the natural environment and sheer joy of the dog in running, sniffing and chasing the ball is grounding for me. Not so today. Today I felt almost agoraphobic, anxious, agitated and uncomfortable. I was plagued by recurring thoughts about ExP, and spent much of the walk fighting back tears – had the park been less crowded I think I would have howled, perhaps literally in an attempt to expel my discomfort.
When I arrived home, I found the boys up, making pancakes with all the ingredients scattered over the kitchen; puppy wee on the floor, muddy paw prints, foot prints and dog hair everywhere.
I actually thought about walking out.
instead I gathered the kids, explained that I was overwhelmed by what needed to be done to make the place manageable for me, so that I could relax and cope with my return to work. And then I phoned my mother and asked her to come and help.
And I don’t often ask for help. I asked her to supervise the children cleaning their den, to enable me to get on with steam cleaning the kitchen floor, the halls, and hoovering everywhere. So she did.
And I cleaned, and they did their bit, and my agitation settled as my environment improved. I worked very very hard, but my home is clean tonight, my garden is free of dog poo, and all the washing is done. Homework is up to date, everyone is fed and settled.
Tomorrow is ExP’s birthday. I’m sure that why he was in ny head. I don’t have a card, but I have sent him a message, wishing him the best for the upcoming year. I’m satisfied that I have acknowledged the day, but not “opened the door” for further communication.
The way I felt this morning was horrid, and I barely knew where to put myself. In the past I would have drunk, today I had to sit with it and wait for it to pass. And pass it did. I’m quite calm now and not upset at all.