So in the end I had a nice birthday. The boys had bought me thoughtful gifts and cards, Son#3 and I went to puppy socialisation class in the morning, and in the afternoon my mother took us all for afternoon tea at a local smart establishment. It was very nice, interesting conversation and comfortable. That’s all I wanted.

ExP hand delivered a bunch of lovely flowers. I was out at the time, so they were there when I got home. Not at all sure about this. In one way it’s nice, in another it’s telling me that he doesn’t believe me when I say it’s over. Rather ridiculously that makes me doubt myself. My brother referred to thinking of ExP with contempt; and it struck me that this would be a more normal feeling to have about someone who has behaved as he has.

I imagine I will get there…

its 269 days sober now, and on Saturday 3rd I smoked the last cigarette I ever intend to smoke. Enough. I’ve been an on off smoker for the last 5 years having previously stopped for > 12 years. Bonkers. So that’s it, enough. I have an inhalator for something to do with my hands and the nicotine capsules if needed… this is nowhere near as hard as stopping drinking,  but it’s the first time I really feel like denying myself something ‘else’ – until now I’ve been afraid that more denial would just be too hard…

so, 52 , here I come … sober, non smoking and single …. 🌷