I’m starting at the top. The biggest one. The most gut twisting, impossible to ignore one…I am ANGRY with ExP because he
- Lived off me for > 5 years
- refused to discuss this with me – any attempt on my part to initiate discussions led to a massive tantrum on his part, shouting and throwing things (not AT me)
- I am in debt. I am unlikely now to be able to retire at 60 as I had hoped.
- He on the other hand gets to keep all the nice things he had
- He bullied my kids
- he alienated and belittled my eldest son
- he was monstrously hypocritical
- he undermined me and constantly told me I was stupid and ‘blinkered’ if I disagreed with him
- His stuff is still in my house. He has NO intention of moving it
- he refused to discuss anything of importance with me.
- He made it very very clear that I, and particularly not my children were NOT his family
- so I had all the downsides of being a ‘wife’ and nothing positive
- he used me
- every fucking day he laid in bed whist I got up, got the kids ready, showered, and made their lunches etc and got out to work. Whilst he did fuck all
- he gas-lighted me. Often
- he refused to let the kids into the front room to watch the TV regarding it as HIS space.
- when it was clear to him, last Christmas, the extent of the financial hole I was in, he STILL refused to get work and carried on with the fantasy that ‘one day’ he will make money form what is effectively a hobby
- he called me horrible names in front of my kids. Not often. But he did
- we lived an almost entirely celibate life for several years. He refused to discuss this also. No cuddles, no intimacy
Yes I am really really FUCKING angry with him. Sometimes I feel like I HATE him. But I don’t want that, I want to be indifferent to him.
I am angry with myself too for putting up with this shit, but I want to be kind to myself. To recognise that I was vulnerable when I met him, that I am kind and giving and that he took advantage of that.
The anger is physically bad foR me, my jaw feels like it’s always clenched and is tense and sore. The inward turning of the anger is perpetuating my eating issues, self denial, self flagellation. But in there somewhere is also childish part of me that is screaming for somone to take care of ME …. that this is too much, I can’t bear it, it’s too hard.