The demon of Anger

I’m starting at the top. The biggest one. The most gut twisting, impossible to ignore one…I am ANGRY with ExP because he

  • Lived off me for > 5 years
  • refused to discuss this with me – any attempt on my part to initiate discussions led to a massive tantrum on his part, shouting and throwing things (not AT me)
  • I am in debt. I am unlikely now to be able to retire at 60 as I had hoped.
  • He on the other hand gets to keep all the nice things he had
  • He bullied my kids
  • he alienated and belittled my eldest son
  •  he was monstrously hypocritical
  • he undermined me and constantly told me I was stupid and ‘blinkered’ if I disagreed with him
  • His stuff is still in my house. He has NO intention of moving it
  • he refused to discuss anything of importance with me.
  • He made it very very clear that I, and particularly not my children were NOT his family
  • so I had all the downsides of being a ‘wife’ and nothing positive
  • he used me
  • every fucking day he laid in bed whist I got up, got the kids ready, showered, and made their lunches etc and got out to work. Whilst he did fuck all
  •  he gas-lighted me. Often
  • he refused to let the kids into the front room to watch the TV regarding it as HIS space.
  • when it was clear to him, last Christmas, the extent of the financial hole I was in, he STILL refused to get work and carried on with the fantasy that ‘one day’ he will make money form what is effectively a hobby
  • he called me horrible names in front of my kids. Not often. But he did
  • we lived an almost entirely celibate life for several years. He refused to discuss this also. No cuddles, no intimacy

Yes I am really really FUCKING angry with him. Sometimes I feel like I HATE him. But I don’t want that, I want to be indifferent to him.

I am angry with myself too for putting up with this shit, but I want to be kind to myself. To recognise that I was vulnerable when I met him, that I am kind and giving and that he took advantage of that.

The anger is physically bad foR me, my jaw feels like it’s always clenched and is tense and sore. The inward turning of the anger is perpetuating my eating issues, self denial, self flagellation. But in there somewhere is also  childish part of me that is screaming for somone to take care of ME …. that this is too much, I can’t bear it, it’s too hard.

 

 

 


12 comments

  1. Get it out! One day you’ll realize the anger is gone. You’re on your way. Is there any way you can get his stuff out of your house? Pack it up and ship it out- sell it- you can put the money towards what he owes you or donate it all to charity and have the charity send him a thank you note for his generous contribution! It might help if you’re not looking at his stuff on a daily basis.

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  2. Really hard to feel/live through I know but this righteous indignation and anger is so good and healthy for you. It’s incising and draining an abscess on your soul…and the whole sober blogosphere is out here to help with the dressing.
    Virtual hugs (and pats for the doggies)

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  3. Let the anger burn itself out. You don’t need to hold on to it…it will only hurt you.
    One good thing about AA is their writing on resentment and anger. You might like to read the big book.
    I’m not a big AA we, but the 12 steps are a recipe for living at peace with life…
    It’s worth a look.

    Hug. You are amazing.
    Anne

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  4. I think it is good to get your emotions out, write things down. The ruminating is not good in the long run but I am sure you already know that. Some women live all their lives in abusive relationships, too scared to do anything. You were brave enough to walk away after five years. That action will speaks volumes to your children as they venture out in to their own adult lives. I am pretty sure that they will look back and see just how brave their mother was and how proud they are of you.

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  5. anger hurts, and I am so sorry that ExP used you and your kind, generous heart like that. But I think you are doing well by yourself to let this anger out, to express it and feel it and listen to what it is telling you. Anger can be quite productive, for a while. There is a lot of good that can come from letting yourself get it all out. And once it’s gone, you’ll be able to see everything much more clearly. I can see you’re well on your way to a better, more beautiful life for you and your children. Best to you ❤️

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  6. I’m just starting to really dive in to some therapy with regard to my first marriage. I can see how it affects my current one and I want to be free of some things. Decided to tackle this and my exercise regime alcohol free. It’s been great to read about your journey, thank you for continuing to post! Big hug.

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