The end of the beginning

When I quit drinking in March 2016, I had no idea what the next few days, Ā Let alone the next few months would bring. I was very inward focussing and very solitary. My only outlet really was the internet; a long running thread on Mumsnet which was a huge source of support , and the few private posts I made early on in this blog. I told no one what I was doing (except ExP)

i don’t know what propelled me to really decide that enough was enough. Sure I was drunk on Friday 11th March, but then I was drunk most Friday nights (since January 2016 I had been restricting my drinking to Fridays only … ) Sure, I fell over at home, but I’d done that before… there was no clear external trigger that made me decide ENOUGH,Ā on that specific day, but somehow I knew it had to be this way.

Im a bit of an all or nothing creature. I have referred to this countless times earlier in the blog, I allow ‘things’ to continue, be it unhealthy relationships, drinking, mess ,whatever, to a point beyond what most people tolerate – but when I snap and decide ‘enough’ I mean it. Not a drop of alcohol has passed my lips since March 11th 2016. That’s 276 completed days. I’m proud of that. Not complacent, but proud.

A LOT has happened, which, when I reflect upon it, stems from my sobriety. I used to hate it when i read words like “in recovery” , and “sobriety” -it was like dull, no fun, miserable, party pooper… and I told myself for many many years that such things did not apply to me …with my responsible professional job, my mortgage paid on time and my children clean and attending school. I rejected this lifestyle whilst passing comment on my ex husband’s cannabis habit and alcoholism (pity our poor children inheriting those genes) …

but now, 9 months into MY recovery, looking at MY sobriety; it all feels quite different. For the first time in many years I feel that the choices I am making are RIGHT . I have no cognitive dissonance. Life is tough sometimes, and those of you reading will be forgiven for thinking my life is one long miserable slog, given how much I have moaned here ….but, at long last I can see it coming together … I feel optimistic.

This weekend I am going to go out with mums from son #3’s school. I am going to go to our works Christmas party. I am going to write one email every week to someone I haven’t seen for ages and see if I can reconnect… I’m meeting a new ‘virtual’ sober friend next week…

i am in control of my life. My finances (which oddly look a lot less awful now ExP is not here!) My home. My future.

The end of the beginning is how it feels. I think the period of extreme self reflection is necessary, even essential, but I feel ready to go out a bit more, look out a bit more and start creating what I want for the future,

thats a good place to be

(oh and the puppy is largely house trained now, which is definitely contributing to my sense of wellbeing !!! )


6 comments

  1. Wow lily you have done so well and you sound so confident now in everything you say and do you should be extremely proud of yourself I know I keep saying it but you are an inspiration to all of us followers Thankyou for sharing with us you’ll never know how you have helped me Big Hug

    Liked by 2 people

  2. What a wonderful post to read. I’m so proud of you, and so happy to see how far you’ve come.
    I love what you said about cognitive dissonance. I love that term/concept generally but actually, I didn’t realise I feel that too. My words are truer, my actions are truer.
    Like you with the all or nothing. And reading about people’s recovery. I guess I never thought I’d get this far. I already had moderation plans for the next year. So at Christmas I can drink 5 nights in Jan, only 2 nights a week.. Oh dear… What a life of mental slavery.
    Oooh I’m doing a bike challenge this year too!! Need to start training. Eeek! Xx

    Like


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