The hardest day

Funny how life turns.

My upbeat post from this morning looks hollow and like so much fluff tonight.

ExP contacted me today, wanting to collect some stuff. I asked son #1 to be home at the appointed time. He arrived. Is he in the slightest bit grateful that I have stored his stuff for free for the last 4 months? What do you think ?  No ,he’s moaning because this and that is missing (he thinks) – bearing in mind the sheer volume of the stuff I fail to see how he can KNOW this after 1/2 hour packing clothes. He is vituperative and accuses son #1 of being a thief and the cause of all the problems. I argue that he has no proof of such and that son #1 is worked g, paying rent and generally doing much better

It becomes apparent that he is living somewhere else. Given that he has no income, this means he has found another woman to live off.

he takes the things he has collected, two suitcases worth and a few jackets / suits. He leaves.

I am devastated.

Devastated.

I knew this day would come and mentally I have been trying to prepare for it. I knew it would hurt, and it does. I am in extreme emotional distress. I know this is illogical. I ended the relationship. I am clearly happier without him. My children are happier without him.  But I once loved him so much, and had such trust and belief in the future. It’s bloody painful to have been replaced so quickly. Inevitable, but bloody painful.

Instinctively, my poor addled hurt soul starts thinking about what I can ‘take’ to get through this pain. And of course there is nothing. I have to face this without alcohol, or any other mind altering substance. I have to live through it, process it  and recover from it. Just to be safe, I have bailed out of a planned trip to the pub to see friends – I don’t trust myself in a pub tonight. This is the closet I have felt to “fuck sobriety, I need alcohol” since I quit.

I am also really really really fucking angry again. I feel like I have been completely and utterly used. I am using that anger to get him OUT. I have told him I will start to get his stuff out on January 1st. And I will. I will eBay anything that potentially has value and the rest – to the dump.

And I am sad, tearful and heartbroken.

but I WILL NOT DRINK, I will not let him break me.

 

 

 


12 comments

  1. Today is hard and shitty. That sucks, but just remember….the first cut is the deepest, and you’re surviving and thriving in sobriety. Don’t knock yourself down for feelings today, because it’s normal and healthy to feel these feelings today. The bandage has been given a fresh rip, and it’s going to hurt. But you not only CAN do this, you ARE doing it! Hang in there, give yourself a treat!!

    Like

  2. The few awful things he said to your son are chilling. And he was only there briefly, It says everything about him that ever needs to be said.
    I know you are heartbroken, but I am so happy for you. And you’re right … Don’t drink! He isn’t worth it, is he?
    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Even when we try to prepare for a situation it is not always easy to deal with. I am reading a book recommended by Hurrah For Coffee. It is by a woman called Byron Katie. She uses a formula she calls “The Work” to get people to recognize that it is their thoughts that are causing the pain and to turn those thoughts around. So the first question to you would be “Is it true that you are hurt by Ex P being in another relationship?” then the second question “Is it REALLY true that you are hurt by Ex P being in another relationship?” Then the third, “how would you feel without having that thought in your life”‘ then the ‘turnaround’ where you turn that statement “I am hurt that Ex P is in another relationship” around. So you might say ” Ex P is hurt because I am in another relationship…….a relationship of self love, building a new relationship with my children, being a better me”. And slowly you work on that initial thought that upsets you so much and learn to see it in a more positive way. Right now it sounds as though you are hurt because you feel he has rejected you but inside you know that you chose to end the relationship. He has moved on but in reality he will do exactly the same to the new woman as he did to you. You had a lucky escape in so many ways. It is the thought “I am hurt because Ex P has found someone new” that is causing you pain right now. That is the thought you need to work with. I am sorry if this sounds confusing. I am new to the book and only just starting to understand but already for me it is helping with my negative thoughts and I am finding a real blessing learning to think in better ways!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting. Such a good call not to go to the pub! VERY good!!! This might seem like a platitude but I just want to say that you deserve better. I know that might be cold comfort at this point where all the emotions are very raw but you deserve love that nurtures and is energetically equal. You can try Byron Katie, but I will say wait until you are calm and ready. Be gentle with it. Also she might not be for everyone. Her method has helped me through some really tough times.
    xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Stay strong Lily. He is really not worth the time or energy. I know you are heartbroken – of course you are. This is all part of the process. It hurts like hell right now but in time, over time the pain will subside. You are such a strong woman Lily. You are doing so well. Look at those boys and what a great job you are doing. Look how #1 is growing into a confident self sufficient young man working and paying rent – that’s a really wonderful thing. Make sure you are giving yourself lots of TLC. Sending Hugs. Tori xxx

    Liked by 1 person


Comments are closed.