It’s been a stressful couple of days. The fallout from ExP’s new circumstances and visit to collect his stuff is still reverberating . I feel like my carefully created composure has been rocked, and the insecure foundations of my new life are being tested. I have not drunk alcohol or smoked, I have not done anything foolish, but I did allow myself to get drawn into a fierce angry exchange with ExP yesterday.
It troubles me how quickly I get sucked in, how passionately angry I become and how much time I waste exchanging pointless emails trying to ExP, to see my point of view. I know that he does not understand – or doesn’t want to – why I have ended our relationship. Whatever I say or do he will never ever get it. I know this, but I still keep trying. It’s like I cannot believe this person, in whom I invested so much love and trust, is so far from the person I believed him to be.
This IS happening less and less often – prior to this weekend we had not exchanged anything more than the odd practical mail since December 1st. Initially it was almost every day. Once he has got his stuff out of my house, I can block all contact. I need to. I don’t know why He still provokes such strong emotion in me, and I am very aware that the opposite of love isn’t hate, but indifference: and that the very power of my rage and frustration with him indicates how very much I still care.
I don’t know why I care, I know and believe intellectually that he was bad for me; self centered, entirely focussed on what he wanted, critical, bullying and unkind. But I still react with fury when I get a message from him, telling me that I was loved and cared for, telling me that he tried his hardest. Some hurt part of me cannot resist flying at him verbally (or in writing) listing all the reason and ways I felt unloved, unappreciated, not listened to, not valued. It’s as if I want him to say,”yes, you are right to feel those things and I was wrong to treat you this way” , but I know he never will. I have to remind myself to judge him, as I would others, by his actions, and not his words.
The only way to indifference is through no contact. There are no short cuts and no way to make the process quicker or easier. I need to have faith that life the other side of this relationship will be better, calmer and more fulfilling.
It’s a bit like quitting drinking. I loved drinking, I loved the feeling of confidence it gave me, the release from anxiety, the escape from insoluble problems. Giving it up was unthinkable. But, I knew it was bad for me, causing me more problems than it solved and stopping me from being properly happy. It was a leap of faith to quit, but on that has rewarded me a thousand fold. I just have to have faith that cutting ExP out of my life completely, and forever, will be similarly beneficial. I’ve gone to far to do anything else, and my sons would neither forgive nor ever trust me again if I were to renege on my decision.
Its hard, that’s all. It’s hard to admit, fully admit, and believe, that my future is not with him. The person I adored and loved. So so much.
The fact that I even feel that tells me my self esteem still needs working on.