Mixed feelings

It’s been a stressful couple of days. The fallout from ExP’s new circumstances and visit to collect his stuff is still reverberating . I feel like my carefully created composure has been rocked, and the insecure foundations of my new life are being tested. I have not drunk alcohol or smoked, I have not done anything foolish, but I did allow myself to get drawn into a fierce angry exchange with ExP yesterday.

It troubles me how quickly I get sucked in, how passionately angry I become and how much time I waste exchanging pointless emails trying to ExP, to see my point of view. I know that he does not understand – or doesn’t want to – why I have ended our relationship. Whatever I say or do he will never ever get it. I know this, but I still keep trying. It’s like I cannot believe this person, in whom I invested so much love and trust, is so far from the person I believed him to be.

This IS happening Ā less and less often – prior to this weekend we had not exchanged anything more than the odd practical mail since December 1st. Initially it was almost every day. Once he has got his stuff out of my house, I can block all contact. I need to. I don’t know why He still provokes such strong emotion in me, and I am very aware that the opposite of love isn’t hate, but indifference: and that the very power of my rage and frustration with him indicates how very much I still care.

I don’t know why I care, I know and believe intellectually that he was bad for me; self centered, entirely focussed on what he wanted, critical, bullying and unkind. But I still react with fury when I get a message from him, telling me that I was loved and cared for, telling me that he tried his hardest. Some hurt part of me cannot resist flying at him verbally (or in writing) listing all the reason and ways I felt unloved, unappreciated, not listened to, Ā not valued. It’s as if I want him to say,”yes, you are right to feel those things and I was wrong to treat you this way” , but I know he never will. I have to remind Ā myself to judge him, as I would others, by his actions, and not his words.

The only way to indifference is through no contact. There are no short cuts and no way to make the process quicker or easier. I need to have faith that life the other side of this relationship will be better, calmer and more fulfilling.

It’s Ā a bit like quitting drinking. I loved drinking, I loved the feeling of confidence it gave me, the release from anxiety, the escape from insoluble problems. Giving it up was unthinkable. But, I knew it was bad for me, causing me more problems than it solved and stopping me from being properly happy. It was a leap of faith to quit, but on that has rewarded me a thousand fold. I just have to have faith that cutting ExP out of my life completely, and forever, will be similarly beneficial. I’ve gone to far to do anything else, and my sons would neither forgive nor ever trust me again if I were to renege on my decision.

Its hard, that’s all. It’s hard to admit, fully admit, and believe, that my future is not with him. The person I adored and loved. So so much.

The fact that I even feel that tells me my self esteem still needs working on.


4 comments

  1. This is very hard. I can imagine your deep anger and frustration. But also I can hear your knowledge that you are in the right path.

    Can you pack up all his stuff and send it somewhere? Cut all ties?

    Keep taking care of yourself. You are the vital part of all this. Your happiness. Your joy.

    Hugs and love

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lily I would echo what Anne says. Can you speed up the process of getting his stuff out of your home ? Having it there is prolonging the process. I know it’s difficult especially at this time of year but it there anywhere it could go or anyone who could take it for you and store it until he can collect it. Could you tell him you need it moved before Christmas ? It’s hard I know and it’s easy for me to say but I really think you need rid of his stuff as soon as possible. With giving up drinking we all know that self care is fundamental. The same applies to moving on from your relationship with ExP. In this scenario getting his stuff out of the house is self care. Love and Hugs xxx

    Like

  3. You are right Lily. Only when you completely break contact with him will he stand a chance at reflecting on himself and you will stand the best chance at gaining closure. You will regain your composure and come back stronger for it. Part of the recovery program in AA is cutting out all the dead wood in your life. ExP sounds like a very heavy amount of dead wood!! You’re doing so well in your journey, you’re making all the right decisions. Have a lovely Christmas with your family (and little pup!) xxxxx

    Like

  4. Thank you all. I cannot see any way of placing the ‘stuff’ anywhere. There is a LOT, and it would take me two days I reckon to pack it all up, get it out of the eaves and the basement. I dont want him in the house to do that, and I don’t really want to do it myself. There is nowhere I know that I could put it. I have told him that I will start ebaying anything of value on January 1st. This did produce the response that he would hire a van for January 21st and collect the stuff. Apparently it is impossible for him to do this any sooner….

    Like


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s