So Christmas is over for another year. It’s been a quiet one for us, an easy one for me. No cooking, no hosting, no juggling, very few house decorations, minimal stress. And no alcohol. We went to my brothers home for Christmas Day, a lovely calm, homey day with my extended family. No hassle (for me) and no ‘just have one’ with regard to alcohol. My brother even managed to take the piss out of my not drinking … 🙃🙃
I loved it. Sober in the morning, sober all day, remember everything I said and did, didn’t; a) fall over b) cry c) overshare d) embarrass my self and e) was able to drive home at 8.30 pm with complete confidence … honestly what’s not to like !
Have had a couple of days at home now, trying to get on top of tidying up… walked the dogs, saw my friend K today, all very civilised and just nice. Proper relaxing, not that awful hungover, alcoholic excess that The festive period has been for so long..
I’ve been doing a fair amount of thinking too, it’s that time – when a New Year is on the horizon- that encourages reflection and a review of what the last year has brought. For me, when I look at this time last year, I cannot believe how much has changed. Literally I am changed, quite fundamentally, and that’s something one can’t say about most years…
So when I look forward, as I think this ‘middle bit’, between Christmas and New Year, is meant for, I can’t really see what’s ahead. I only know I’m on some kind of journey, that I can’t turn back: I don’t know where or how it will pan out, I don’t know when it will end, I don’t even really know what I’m looking for… but what I do know is that I’m going forward with a feeling in my heart that this is a ‘good thing’ .. I’ve lost the cognitive dissonance that has plagued me for so long, and thus I have also lost a ton of anxiety and worry.
Speaking of cognitive dissonance, being on the radio show started to bother me, that I’m exposing myself to potential censure, and given my professional position, potential significant harm. I do not believe my practice has ever been compromised by alcohol consumption, but my regulator might take a different view – or at least might well feel I should be subject to an investigation. After a couple of sleepless nights and consultation with others, I have withdrawn from the radio show. I’m disappointed, but it feels like the sensible , and the right thing to do at this time. In 5 years, with sustained sobriety under my belt, I will be in a better position should I want to publicise anything, right now it feels too risky. I’m following my gut instinct here, and I’m loath to go against it. My apologies to you all,who have been so supportive about the idea.
So, the middle bit: this year has no answers,no clear resolutions, no definitive plans … perhaps more of the same; sobriety, reflection, following my gut instinct, singledom, supporting my children … and see where I am in 12 months time …