The bit in between …

So Christmas is over for another year. It’s been a quiet one for us, an easy one for me. No cooking, no hosting, no juggling, very few house decorations, minimal stress. And no alcohol. We went to my brothers home for Christmas Day, a lovely calm, homey day with my extended family. No hassle (for me) and no ‘just have one’ with regard to alcohol. My brother even managed to take the piss out of my not drinking … 🙃🙃

I loved it. Sober in the morning, sober all day, remember everything I said and did, didn’t; a) fall over b) cry c) overshare d) embarrass my self and e) was able to drive home at 8.30 pm with complete confidence … honestly what’s not to like !

Have had a couple of days at home now, trying to get on top of tidying up… walked the dogs, saw my friend K today, all very civilised and just nice. Proper relaxing, not that awful hungover, alcoholic excess that The festive period has been for so long..

I’ve been doing a fair amount of thinking too, it’s that time – when a New Year is on the horizon- that encourages reflection and a review of what the last year has brought. For me, when I look at this time last year, I cannot believe how much has changed. Literally I am changed, quite fundamentally, and that’s something one can’t say about most years…

So when I look forward, as I think this ‘middle bit’, between Christmas and New Year, is meant for, I can’t really see what’s ahead. I only know I’m on some kind of journey, that I can’t turn back:  I don’t know where or how it will pan out, I don’t know when it will end, I don’t even really know what I’m looking for… but what I do know is that I’m going forward with a feeling in my heart that this is a ‘good thing’ .. I’ve lost the cognitive dissonance that has plagued me for so long, and thus I have also lost a ton of anxiety  and worry. 

Speaking of cognitive dissonance, being on the radio show started to bother me, that I’m exposing myself to potential censure, and given my professional position, potential significant harm. I do not believe my practice has ever been compromised by alcohol consumption, but my regulator might take a different view – or at least might well feel I should be subject to an investigation. After a couple of sleepless nights and consultation with others, I have withdrawn from the radio show. I’m disappointed, but it feels like the sensible , and the right thing to do at this time. In 5 years, with sustained sobriety under my belt, I will be in a better position should I want to publicise anything, right now it feels too risky. I’m following my gut instinct here, and I’m loath to go against it. My apologies to you all,who have been so supportive about the idea. 

So, the middle bit: this year has no answers,no clear resolutions, no definitive plans … perhaps more of the same; sobriety,  reflection, following my gut instinct, singledom, supporting my children … and see where I am in 12 months time …


14 comments

  1. Lily your Christmas sounds perfect. I am so glad. Re the radio appearance I am a strong believer in going with my gut. You had a niggling concern about the potential repercussions – why risk it. You’ve got plenty of time for radio stardom !! You are helping so many people through your writing here. Personally I am not ready to go quite so potentially public. I do not want my employer to know about my alcoholism (yet) but in time although I don’t think I will ever come “out” at work, I hope that over time I will no longer feel that I have to keep the fact that I am an alcoholic secret.

    Anyway what I am trying to say is I am pleased you have made a decision which feels right. Well done you. Xx

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thanks Tori. I agree, when I started to consider the implications: my partners and work colleagues knowing, my patients, (potentially) I started feeling a bit anxious. It only takes one malevolent person, or even person who has concerns and tips off the regulator … different if any drinking was years ago,.. xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You are so honest and strong- much admiration! I’m still following but not been as successful as you – I’ve been better but not good!
    I will keep trying 😫

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I totally understand your reservations about doing the show. I couldn’t do it either for fear of being exposed and losing my professional credibility. You are right 2 years down the line, it’s a different story. xxx

    Like

  4. It’s always good to listen to our gut. Sometimes opportunities seem right, but just don’t pan out. There will always be another one of it was meant to be.
    Hug. I’m glad you are feeling more “you”.
    Anne

    Like

  5. The radio show isn’t going anywhere. There will always be other venues and opportunities to share your wonderful story. I couldn’t help but imagine what you’d be writing if you were still with your ex this holiday. Cheers to no regrets!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I think you did the right thing. I was concerned about you going public so early in the journey (although you are so far ahead and almost at the 12 month point) and with the risk of potential damage to your career. I think in another year or so you will be in a much better position to speak openly and honestly.

    Liked by 1 person


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s