Sorry to be a bit gloomy.

The recent deaths of George Michel ( 53 FFS) and Carrie Fisher (60 – not THAT far away) have been something of a shock to me. I know there are suggestions that George Michael was using a lot of drugs (including  heroin) and Carrie Fisher documented publicly her struggles with substance misuse (in the past) but 53 ?? and 60?  Added to my friend J being terminally ill in his mid 50’s Im starting to be very aware of my own mortality.

And all of a sudden it frightens me. 

I may be 52, but I don’t feel it. I feel about 30. I hope that there is so much left for me to experience in my life, there is certainly a lot I want to do – a lot of places I want to visit, a lot of things I want to learn about. I’m not ready for the end of my life yet, and I don’t suppose George or Carrie were either. I have three kids, who practically have only me to take care of them. They have a father, but with the best will in the world he’s absolutely not able to be a FT parent and provide what they need, if anything should happen to me. Son no3 is only 11 years old … 

then I try to think rationally. I come from a family of reasonably long lived women. My grandmother was 86 when she died, and was a lifelong smoker. My mum is in pretty good health at 78. I heard on the radio this morning that 4/5 uk residents in their “middle years” ( they mean 50-60) are overweight, drink too much and don’t take enough exercise. So I’m in the 20% that are not overweight, don’t drink too much and do take exercise … should be a good thing, right ? 

I can’t seem to shake the uncomfortable feeling that it’s downhill from here on in. That I will become frail, unwell, dependent … that I might die in my sleep (like George) or have an unexpected heart attack (like Carrie) … or get some fucking evil disease like J. I might get Alzheimer’s, or motor neurone disease, or any one of a variety of horrible life limiting illnesses hat get commoner and commoner as one ages … 

I don’t want this. I don’t want these thoughts. 

I think I have stumbled on my first NY resolution… prioritise my health. 


  1. Sounds like you are on the right path now.
    Not drinking, not overweight and exercising.
    My suggestion is add something for stress relief. Meditation, yoga. Bowling? Knitting? Whatever you like!
    Yoga has changed my life completely.

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  2. In the last couple of years of drinking I felt like a ticking time bomb. I was certain that it was only a matter of time before I was diagnosed with a terminal condition or died suddenly. I knew drinking was affecting my health but I just blocked it out. When I was sent for some routine blood tests to do with my epilepsy I simply “forgot” to go because I was scared what the results would show. The worse thing was that I knew that whatever was wrong with me would be entirely my own fault and my selfishness would have meant my daughter’s lost their Mum and Mr So was widowed. I even thought about what my replacement would be like !

    I think that you should focus on how much your risk of various conditions had reduced as a direct consequence of stopping drinking. On top of that you are slim and don’t smoke so you are doing everything right. Of course none of us know what might happen but there is no reason to think that you will become ill or die any time soon. And as your sobriety lengthens and you continue to focus on your health, you will grow stronger and fitter. I don’t think your boys are going to lose their wonderful mother. Give it a few more years and I reckon you will find you are an awesome grandmother too. Xxx


    • Thanks Tori. I sort of agree with you, but I seem to be trapped in a very negative thinking spiral right now … post Christmas Blues? I don’t know but I hate it.xx


  3. I’m a similar age to you and my DH is ten years older than me and I have been having much the same thoughts. I don’t drink (any more) don’t smoke but I am still overweight. Lost a lot of weight in the last couple of years and working on losing the rest still. My plan is to up the exercise levels and do even more de stressing. I find Headspace is wonderful for that. Hugs xxx

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