Sorry to be a bit gloomy.
The recent deaths of George Michel ( 53 FFS) and Carrie Fisher (60 – not THAT far away) have been something of a shock to me. I know there are suggestions that George Michael was using a lot of drugs (including heroin) and Carrie Fisher documented publicly her struggles with substance misuse (in the past) but 53 ?? and 60? Added to my friend J being terminally ill in his mid 50’s Im starting to be very aware of my own mortality.
And all of a sudden it frightens me.
I may be 52, but I don’t feel it. I feel about 30. I hope that there is so much left for me to experience in my life, there is certainly a lot I want to do – a lot of places I want to visit, a lot of things I want to learn about. I’m not ready for the end of my life yet, and I don’t suppose George or Carrie were either. I have three kids, who practically have only me to take care of them. They have a father, but with the best will in the world he’s absolutely not able to be a FT parent and provide what they need, if anything should happen to me. Son no3 is only 11 years old …
then I try to think rationally. I come from a family of reasonably long lived women. My grandmother was 86 when she died, and was a lifelong smoker. My mum is in pretty good health at 78. I heard on the radio this morning that 4/5 uk residents in their “middle years” ( they mean 50-60) are overweight, drink too much and don’t take enough exercise. So I’m in the 20% that are not overweight, don’t drink too much and do take exercise … should be a good thing, right ?
I can’t seem to shake the uncomfortable feeling that it’s downhill from here on in. That I will become frail, unwell, dependent … that I might die in my sleep (like George) or have an unexpected heart attack (like Carrie) … or get some fucking evil disease like J. I might get Alzheimer’s, or motor neurone disease, or any one of a variety of horrible life limiting illnesses hat get commoner and commoner as one ages …
I don’t want this. I don’t want these thoughts.
I think I have stumbled on my first NY resolution… prioritise my health.