Warning – this is a bit of a winge / let out of negative thoughts / frustration dump. Please CLOSE this page if a) you are feeling a bit crap yourself b) you are bored of my whining c) you are someone who never feels rubbish…
My friend Tori captured it EXACTLY in this post Cloudy …..
Me too. Day 294 today. I don’t know what I expected but not this. This restless agitation, frustration, anger, loneliness; Back to poor sleep (the last 4 nights have been shocking); headaches (why ??); sweating at night – probably the menopause but miserable; mood swings, (yesterday I SCREAMED at the kids for not removing their huge muddy boots and treading mud all over the house, then I cried and cried because I felt bad for screaming and frustrated beyond belief that two kids of 18 and 14 cannot remember, or don’t care enough, to remember to take their bloody shoes OFF at the door; then I cleaned and hoovered AGAIN, because they had stomped out to meet their dad)
THIS is no better than day 14
Yuk, yuk, yuk.
So I know the classic self soothing, motivational stuff. I know to focus on the positive, I know to give myself time. … I just CAN’T right now. I don’t know where to put myself, what to do, how to feel better. I feel anxious ALL the time; anxious about mess, dirt, illness & death, finances, the kids futures, my future; the only respite is, ironically, being at work where its so busy I have no time to be anxious. (and I guess the focus is on other peoples problems) As well as anxious I feel ANGRY again. Angry with myself, angry with life, angry with ExP. I gave SO much and tried SO hard, and for what ? for him to be in the same position , only with a load of expensive equipment that he gets to keep; and for me to be staring at the wreckage of another relationship; my eldest sons adolescence gone, and a pile of debt to repay. I know its pointless: he didn’t rob me. I know I should have wised up earlier. But this ongoing legacy is bothering me a LOT at the moment…And there is no way to resolve those feelings other than to feel them, sit with them and wait for them to pass. Eventually they will and I won’t be angry any more. I just wish I could hurry the process on a bit
I’m trying to repeat the “mantra” above… I just don’t believe it right now.
Is this PAWS? previous post on PAWS
Is the the menopause? ( menoPAWS ha ha)
Just Christmas Blues ? New year anxiety?
Maybe it’s part of a realisation that my children are growing up and away. Last time I looked (It seems) they were all dependent and ‘here’ for the foreseeable future. Now they are all in secondary school or working, pretty independent and I barely see them.
Somebody send me a magic wand please. Make it all go away.