Be kind to yourself ….

Warning – this is  a bit of a winge / let out of negative thoughts / frustration dump. Please CLOSE this page if a) you are feeling a bit crap yourself b) you are bored of my whining c) you are someone who never feels rubbish…

My friend Tori captured it EXACTLY in this post Cloudy …..

Me too. Day 294 today. I don’t know what I expected but not this. This restless agitation, frustration, anger, loneliness; Back to poor sleep (the last 4 nights have been shocking); headaches (why ??); sweating at night – probably the menopause but miserable; mood swings, (yesterday I SCREAMED at the kids for not removing their huge muddy boots and treading mud all over the house, then I cried and cried because I felt bad for screaming and frustrated beyond belief that two kids of 18 and 14 cannot remember, or don’t care enough, to remember to take their bloody shoes OFF at the door; then I cleaned and hoovered AGAIN, because they had stomped out to meet their dad)

THIS is no better than day 14

Yuk, yuk, yuk.

So I know the classic self soothing, motivational stuff. I know to focus on the positive, I know to give myself time. … I just CAN’T right now. I don’t know where to put myself, what to do, how to feel better. I feel anxious ALL the time; anxious about mess, dirt, illness & death, finances, the kids futures, my future; the only respite is, ironically, being at work where its so busy I have no time to be anxious. (and I guess the focus is on other peoples problems) As well as anxious I feel ANGRY again. Angry with myself, angry with life, angry with ExP. I gave SO much and tried SO hard, and for what ? for him to be in the same position , only with a load of expensive equipment that he gets to keep; and for me to be staring at the wreckage of another relationship; my eldest sons adolescence gone, and a pile of debt to repay. I know its pointless: he didn’t rob me. I know I should have wised up earlier. But this ongoing legacy is bothering me a LOT at the moment…And there is no way to resolve those feelings other than to feel them, sit with them and wait for them to pass. Eventually they will and I won’t be angry any more. I just wish I could hurry the process on a bit

I’m trying to repeat the “mantra” above… I just don’t believe it right now.

Is this PAWS? previous post on PAWS

Is the the menopause? ( menoPAWS ha ha)

Just Christmas Blues ? New year anxiety?

Maybe it’s part of a realisation that my children are growing up and away. Last time I looked (It seems) they were all dependent and ‘here’ for the foreseeable future. Now they are all in secondary school or working, pretty independent and I barely see them.

Somebody send me a magic wand please. Make it all go away.

 

 


12 comments

  1. I’ve felt this exact same way for 3 days now. I’m on day 11. Regardless though, it’s aggravating to feel this aggravated. As if restless sleep isn’t bad enough, night sweats are thrown into the mix. I love your take on MenoPAWS. That did make me laugh out loud. Best to you. I hope it doesn’t stay around. Maybe today will be a better day and the poop cloud that’s hanging around will clear.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Yes yes yes – I am so with you on this. My children and my husband leave a trail of mess behind them. Random items scattered in odd places – I am the only one who ever puts anything away. My husband also has an infuriating habit of going half a job and them moving onto something else, Putting stuff on top of the dishwasher but not loading it FFS !!

    I think this is a tricky time. I too am conscious that my daughters are now women and are starting to leave me behind. I have perimenoPAWS symptoms and am generally a miserable grumpy cow a lot of the time !!!

    Hugs xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love it! MenoPAWS! I think the fact that you can still find some humor is fantastic! And vital! I get what you’re saying! My SO cannot seem to understand that either a used or a clean utinsel has a designated space-which is not the clean countertop! I don’t know how much of the pent up and then released anger is a symptom of PAW or hormonal imbalances or past alcohol/substance abuse or if it’s just part of being a woman! I had a mega clean today-after a horrible night of being awake and was really calm and focused for several hours. Then, after lunch I couldn’t get all the f…ing plasticware in my cupboard right and I just blew up! Of course I’m fine now having had 3 dark chocolate covered caramels!
    Have a Happy New Year!
    Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It sounds like you’ve had a lot of new and drastic changes happen in your life this year. You’ve gotten sober, ended a long-term relationship, seen your sons grow (and one into adulthood, as well). This is a lot. And for what it’s worth, you’ve done an incredible job enduring it all – the good, the bad, the really bad, the boring, the scary, the mundane, the lovely. That being said, the fact that you’re feeling anxious and upset and uncertain is not unusual at all. Those feelings can be really hard to sit with, and I think you’ve done something really good by seeing a therapist who can help you work through those things. But from what I can see, you’re doing quite well, despite how it might feel. It’s easy to get down on ourselves, but I do hope that you can take a moment to acknowledge all that you’ve done this year – for yourself, for your sons, and for others in your life. This too shall pass ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I think sometimes with sobriety comes the expectation that everything will be ok now, that we have overcome this immense issue in our lives so everything else will be easy. Truth is, we’re still man and still have to deal with the shit that happens. We still get sad and angry and depressed and all the rest of it. The difference, for me, anyway, is in my reactions. I don’t bury the feelings, I experience them. And by experiencing they get dealt with and dissipate. We may need to work a little harder at giving ourselves a break. I think there’s something in the alcoholic mind that causes us to be harder on ourselves than other people. Maybe that’s why we drank to begin with? Anyway, I hope you keep being kind to you. Compassion has to start with yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I understand the frustrations. I really do! I’ve had successes and I’ve had failures. Like Reena said, “we need to give ourselves a break”. It really does help to get outside of the house. Meet new positive people. Get a dog and go for walks/hikes. Drink more water. Get more exercise. Get good sleep. Write down what you are grateful for. (I do this when the mood strikes or when I am feeling especially down.) These are things I do. Be well and all the best in the new year. Koko 🙂

    Liked by 1 person


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