Please skip this post if you are bored of my inability to ‘let go’ .. ( no hard feelings, I’m bored of it myself)
A couple of weeks ago in my therapy session we looked more deeply at why I was/am struggling to let go of my ExP. To be clear, I know he is “bad” for me, I know he was very bad for my family, I don’t miss HIM, I don’t miss the anxiety and stress he brought. I don’t miss the constant trying to ‘square the circle’ and trying to make him understand why I was upset. I don’t miss anything about him really. He wasn’t a support in the day to day running of the house, he wasn’t a support with the kids, his inertia and inability to organise himself to get stuff done was really frustrating…
I know that I need to cut all contact. I know this is the only way I will be able to heal, to move on with my life.
My therapist commented that this break up was probably not the worst thing I had been through in my life – but I disagreed, I feel like it is, (even if It should not be) Even allowing for the drama of the here-and-now, this separation is more deeply painful that I remember my marriage breakdown being.
It took me a few moments to work out why.
It’s definitely partially because my children have been affected – The years of my eldest sons life between 15 and 17 were blighted by ExP’s attitude to him. Son#1 and I were not as close as we should have been, and I didn’t support him as well as I could have done. I can’t have that time back and there have been things done and said that will have a lasting effect. Its very hard for me to look at this straight on, accept it and try to forgive myself for this.
But more than that I feel like there is nowhere to hide from the mistakes I made. In the past I have been able to ‘blur the edges’ of my own willful, selfish and impulsive decision making. Kind of brushed off the consequences as they have primarily not fallen on others – only I have been hurt. This time I can’t do that because a) others are most definitely hurt, b) things have been damaged that cannot be repaired and c) I am very very sober and looking at things through a very different lens. I’m comparing my behaviour with what it ought to have been (quote Marianne Dashwood, who was impulsive, emotional and
I think one reason why I’m struggling to move on, is that closing the door and cutting all contact means there will be no redemption. This whole sorry relationship will stay, like a stain, without resolution. The scars will remain and I will never be able to say (or think) well it was really difficult but it was ‘worth it in the end’.
Because it wasn’t. And if I had been more circumspect, more cautious, MORE GROWN UP, I would never have got involved in the first place and never hurt those I love. Never have allowed him to damage my children, never have allowed my attention to be diverted from my role as a mother.
I think maybe it’s so hard to finally let go because that means Facing my own culpability, with no excuses and no apology. Accepting that I was just WRONG.And that I have to live with that. Live with the uncomfortable feelings that brings up. Live knowing I could and should have done better. That I was weak and foolish and allowed him to bully son #1 when I should have stood up for my child.
And there is no way around that.